early 20-something angst

Marco?

2007-03-12T01:18:00.000+11:00

more than anything else, this post is mainly because a friend of mine said he was keeping tabs on my blog, and I want to see if he'll notice that I've written this, or not.

I'm intrigued now you see...

Marco?

Saw two theatre shows this weekend - one good and one very bad.

The good one had some very good elements in it, and some very bad ones - the very bad one had only very very bad moments in it.

Not much of a review, I know - but I'm brewing something up... who knows if I'll get around to writing it really.

I had my first 'real' audition today. The first time I've had to "prepare two contrasting monologues" etc etc. Fingers crossed I get in (to the course the audition was for). There's something else on Wed that I'm going to go for as well (with the same people - but different course). And I'm supposed to be going to a reading of Hamlet tomorrow, but I think it's going to suck anus, so I'm going to try to get out of it.
The director wants me to read for 'Gertrude' - which is the MUM. Can anyone who knows me see me playing a MOTHER????? I don't think so Joe... maybe in like, 10 years or something, but at the moment I have, what some in the industry might call a baby face so I don't know what she was thinking when the director thought it was a good idea, but remind me never to smoke whatever it is she's got in her pipe, cos I think it might be dangerous stuff...

'Ri..' I mean 'Marco?!'

I'm still alive

2007-01-27T21:08:00.000+11:00

and I'm around.

This is just going to be a quick post.

I'm at an internet cafe.

I no longer have a laptop - it was stolen.
My house was broken into - TWICE.

Joy of joys.

I'm at home alone today, because my cunt of a 'friend' cancelled on our plants to go out and dance tonight. I'm not entirely sure why. If it's because of what I think it is, then it's absolutely fucked. I think he's not talking to me because I teased him about somthing innane. I'm sure that if my other friend had done the exact same thing, it would all be smiles and roses and "oh you..." but because it was me, and this particuar 'friend' has always had a bit of a bee in his bonnet about me, he's cracked it, and yeah.
I'm just grateful that I didn't pay him for the tickets beforehand... otherwise I'd be out of pocket. But now he is, and it's all because he's a big baby.

Anyway - I'm starting a new kickarse diet tomorrow... yay! It's scary, but I should loose a fair bit. I'll take before and after photos to impress everyone with.

:)

Other than that?

I'm a bit lonely at the moment.
I thought I'd end up getting ok with my own company... it's not so much that I don't like it, but I just don't have as much fun... so yeah.
I want more friends... or something.

I keep getting this feeling that I'm pissing everyone off, but I don't know what I'm doing.

Maybe I'm just paranoid.

Anyhoo... I'm going to go now.

Thanks for your time... :P

I'm venting again

2006-11-12T11:37:00.000+11:00

but it's not too bad at the moment.

The show is coming along well - I'm excited for it to be going on this week - but I wish we had maybe another week or two to polish things up. The first couple of performances are going to be a bit rusty me-thinks. But still heaps of fun.

I'm feeling a bit oddly about boys and stuff at the moment. I'm still occasionally seeing Kim - and it's really funny, because he's really pulled his socks up recently and I'm liking him alot more than I ever did before. (I mean, he's still unemployed and not really 'going anywhere' in life, but that's not the be all and end all of being a good person.) Even Jess mentioned the other day about how the stories I've been telling her about him recently have become alot more impressive, and she's approving a little more of me hanging out with him (not that I need approval, I'm just saying - she's noticed a difference too). I gave him a haircut the other night and I gotta say - he's looking DAMN FINE at the moment!!! phwoah

but it hasn't made any other part of my love life any better. I still don't want to only be with him, and it's bad because I don't think he is interested in an 'open relationship'.

I've just gotten myself a book that was recomended to me by a friend: "The Ethical Slut" and it talks about polyamorous relationships and open relationships etc and how they work and what a good way to go about getting what you want is etc.
I've found it very inspiring but the main question that keeps coming up for me is - 'how do you find like minded people?'

I'm also finding myself asking the question - 'why don't the guys who I actually like (and have crushes on or whatever) ever like me back?' The only guys who I end up with are the ones that just fall into conveniance. The ones that I spend alot of energy thinking about and lusting after are the ones that aren't interested back. I find myself getting a little depressed, because it feels like they're the ones that are 'too good for me' and that's not a nice feeling. Especially when people keep telling me "oh, you can do better than him, why are you wasting your time?" I then have to turn around and say - "actually no, apparently I can't do better than him..."

blah

anyway, I actually am generally happy at the moment - I just have had to live through a couple of bouts of unrequited love recently and it's becoming irritating (like a itch in the middle of your back that you can't reach - and you can't do anything about).

If anyone has any solutions for said itch, let me know.

Kiss Me Where You Punch Me

2006-10-31T18:49:00.000+11:00

*or, 'the best name in show business'

two flyers for you peeps. Read them carefully.

One is an invitation to a party next week, at Glitch Bar. Yes, it costs to get in - but that's how GOOD the party is going to be.

The other is a flyer for the show Kiss Me Where You Punch Me that in case you didn't hear it the first time I screamed it from the roof-tops - I have the lead in! We start sooner than even I realised - so get ur tix and come and see the awesome-goodness that is the play.

(there's a booking no. you can ring this time to make sure you get tickets - yes, the last show we did there - we had to TURN PEOPLE AWAY because we were SO popular!)

testing testing 1, 2, 3...

2006-10-09T01:23:00.000+10:00

well howdy

thought I might do an actual post (instead of just plugging the latest project) for a change. How's things? Is everybody well?

My life is trundling along nicely. Well, sometimes it's been nice, and other times not so much - but you know... you ride the roller coaster of life, right?
And it's supposed to be fun, right?

I'm entering a new stage of single-dom, although it's not quite going to plan. See, I finally bit the bullet and stopped calling Kim my 'psuedo-non-boyfriend' and started calling him my actual 'boyfriend' - even though every time I did so I almost choked on the word. But then I realised that if the word was making me choke to such the degree, then the whole thing probably wasn't for the best - and last weekend I finally managed to muster the courage and call the whole thing off. There were tears and tender moments, and it was hard but it was all for the best. Let's just not mention the fact that I'm now writing this on his computer... because even though I saw him yesterday as 'just friends' and was quite good about it, my resolve crumbled today, and we were back in bed together. This doesn't mean that we're 'back to gether' but just for tonight, I'm going to stay over and we're going to have a good ol' romp in the bedroom.

Yes, I know, I'm weak, but a good ol' romp is a good ol' romp... and I know that's how I got myself into this sticky situation in the first place, but....well.... I'm weak. (and yes, I know, I already said that... but I feel that if I seem self aware, people will think that I know what I'm doing... )

It's been just over a year now since Dan and I broke up. It's strange - I keep bringing it up with people that I really shouldn't (I mean, guys that you're fucking don't really want to know about your ex's) but I always think about it. I thought I would have gotten over it by now, but I guess not. I still have a small amount of baggage that I'm not sure I'll ever really be rid of.

I was taking stock of my life, and how much it's changed in the last year. It's been insane! I feel like a very new person, even though I'm still not quite who I want to be. I think I'm getting closer though.

Obviously, I'm doing a lot of performing - and it's been FANTASTIC! I had forgotten what a difference it makes when I have a project, and not only a project but something I feel passionate about, in my life. I enjoy it soooo much, and while I know that's not a good enough reason to do something (necessarily), I also feel like it's worthwhile. I'm pushing myself more, and I seem to be getting a good response from people. My plan is to just throw myself into as many productions as I possibly can to get more experience and practice - to get better! I'm still thinking of going and studying it in some shape or form next year, but for now, like I said - my plan is just to do as much of it as I can. And the more I'm in, the more people are asking me to be in other stuff, so it's all going swimmingly.

I'm feeling a little scattered at the moment, so I'm not sure that this is going to be a coherent post really, but I guess I'll read over it tomorrow in the harsh light of day and fix any major continuity errors. I can't think of anything worthwhile to speak about that won't get me into trouble in some shape or form...

Dangerous and Dead

2006-10-03T11:03:00.000+10:00

THEATRE IN BARS is holding a showing called 'Dangerous and Dead' this Thursday, 5 Oct at RMIT from 7pm to 8pm.

This event starts with a viewing by dancer and choreographer, Meredith Lewis, of a spanking-good snippet from her Fringe show 'Dangerous Relations' (which starts on Oct 10 and goes until Oct 15). The dance piece will get you moist for about 10 minutes; you are then invited to provide some feedback to Meredith to help her add the finishing touches before the sexy debut of her entire show the following week.

After this, there will be some readings from 'kiss me where you punch me', a comically dark play that Michelle has written. It's about a dysfunctional family stuck together for eternity in hell... desperate for peace, reliving their death each day, consumed with guilt and resentment, with only robots and zombies to keep them company. Sounds fun! I'll also be after some feedback as the play will be performed at Glitch bar in November.

I know you might be busy with Fringe...but our little event is FREE!!! and we provide nibbles and wine. The location is RMIT, 360 Swanston Street, Building, Meeting Rooms C & D (near the Union shop and Student Union, look for the signs we'll put up).

Penny Machinations

2006-09-26T16:40:00.000+10:00

Roll up, roll up beautiful people, Penny Machinations is back and bigger than ever!

Opening this Friday on the stage of the Fringe Club in the Main Hall of the North Melbourne Town Hall, PennyMachinations offers the finest array of performance experiments this side of yesterday.

Shared between our five beautiful private-viewing tents, and changing between Fridays and Saturdays, are over 30 pieces to see and enjoy. Everything from comedy to movement to kitchen-sink drama is on offer and our crew of gorgeous performers are champing at the bit to provide you with an experience to remember. Mix and match your night with whatever pieces takeyour fancy. Try them all, try them twice!

The 2006 crew are... drum roll please...: Bron Batten,Vanessa Bennett, Belle Bortone, Angus Grant, RichardHiggins, Margaret Locke, Lucy Nelson, Sharni Page,Michael Parry, Emma Porteus, Joel Radcliffe, Wes Snelling, Mark Tregonning and Alia Vryens.

With all this lovely talent on offer for just $2 apop, how can you say no??

Grab your gold coins and hop on down to the Club everyFriday and Saturday of the Fringe (29th sep - 14oct) between 8 and 10pm (the early birds avoid the queues).

Roll up, roll up.

I'm performing on the 29th Sep, 30th Sep (filling in for Margie in the 'Bearded Margie' tent), and the 6th and 13th of Oct!

this is what I've been doing all this time:

2006-08-20T22:01:00.000+10:00

Sexual Peversity in Chicago (in Melbourne):

"You're trying to understand women and I'm confusing you with information."

SEXUAL PEVERSITY IN CHICAGO
A DAVID MAMET play directed by Michele Lee

RMIT Union Arts ollective THEATRE IN BARS will present its first major production, Sexual Peversity in Chicago by the Pulitzer Prize winning writer David Mamet.

In this 1970s period piece, the interwined lives of four twenty-something Chicago urbanites exposes a battlefield of caustic sexual warfare and repression. Written in a prolific era of social change, Mamet's play explores what it means to be a modern man relating with the modern woman.

In this Melbournian production, four sitcom-like characters become four misfits, who flirt pathetically with each other in attempts to fornicate and figure each other out. It's part retro Secret Life of Us *but with ugliness, drag kings, and handcuffs.

SEASON: August 25, 26, 30 &31 and September 1 & 2
TIME: All shows start at 7pm
VENUE: Glitch Bar 318 St Georges Rd North Fitzroy
TICKETS: All tickets $10 | RMIT students (show ID) $5 | People in 1970s gear $5 | RMIT Union Arts members, Free

Presented by THEATRE IN BARS, and RMIT Union Arts collective

freakin' hell

2006-06-19T13:03:00.000+10:00

I'm getting really freakin' tired of a certain housemates attitude at the moment. We got the new one in, and I though "*sigh* finally the return of the golden age has arrived - this is going to be sharehouse bliss..."
WRONG PEOPLE
This one tiny little man is more moody than the rest of us three girls combined - even if we all had a periods at the same time... seriously. I've never seen anyone quite so rude and sour for no apparent reason.
And heaven forbid I confront him about it - cos then you just get the SCOWL FROM HELL directed at you... and no apologies, even though I've very politely pointed out that I in no way meant to lock him out of the house by letting the latch fall down ACCIDENTALLY and that I didn't appreciate him not speaking to me when I opened the door and apologised, nor did I appreciate him slamming his bedroom door in my face...
I mean, he's supposed to be an adult - and he acts like he's a moody 16 year old or something.
Apparently a little while ago he told one of my others housemates that he feels like he's living in a backpackers - cos he never knows if there's going to be people lying on the couch when he gets home etc - I mean - LIVE BY YOURSELF if you want to have that attitude... I'm sorry that we all have friends who want to see us and come round to our house - I'm sorry that I have a small trickle of men who come over and have sex in my bed, in the room next to yours... I'm sorry that you're not quite as lucky with the ladies, or with me... (oooh, that last bit was a bit harsh I think).
The most recent episode: Mel's mother came down from Mansfield today - and she was feeling very tired and sick and was going to have a nap, and THIS CERTAIN HOUSEMATE had his music up very loudly, so Mel went and knocked on his door, and politely asked if he could please turn it down a little, after explaining the situation. What she got was a whole lot of expletives directed at her, saying how he's been sleeping all morning and we didn't have the same curtosy for him... blah blah - we never know if he's home or not is my first response, my second being if there's a problem, come and tell us to turn it down as well - but the issue with that is that no one was being particularly noisy this morning, nor was there any music played, as far as I could tell anyway.
I'm sick of his freakin' attitude to everything. NO the world is not out to get you, NO we don't conspire to lock you out of the house on purpose, NO we don't play music at 11.30 in the morning just to shit you and wake you up on purpose - the door to your room is always closed, how are we supposed to tell if you're in or not? - I don't think that we should be quiet ALL DAY just because you stayed up till 4am watching DVD's and now you want to sleep. NO I don't try to rub the fact that I'm getting 'action' and you're not in your face - I would just like you to be civil and have a conversation with these people who are my friends is that so much to ask?
Freakin' Hell

those three little words

2006-06-17T14:24:00.000+10:00

are the walls getting closer or is it just me?
he said them
those words
those threeeee words....
eeek

I don't really know what to do. I'm pretty sure I should stop seeing him, cos it's getting all a little confusing - but seeing as I have absolutely no self-controll whatsoever, I don't think that's going to happen.
I will have to tread very carefully though.

But the sex! it's just too damn good! I can't give that stuff up!!!!

----
there are more auditions this coming Tuesday at 6pm at Kaleide theatre if anyone's intereseted - we didn't get a great turnout last time (the turnout being me and one other guy). On the other hand, that means I'm more likely to get a part!
:)
----
Have been sick with tummy bug - haven't been able to keep food down for the last couple of days. Or, it stays down, but it comes back out pretty quickly... oh that doesn't make any sense - basically, I've got the shits people... for real.
----
Am singing a bit more (still just in my bedroom) - I like my voice a little bit again, and I'm going to try and do stuff with a friend of mine named Tim. He's very small and very funny and very talented (or I think so anyway). Fingers crossed.
----

wish me luck

2006-06-12T19:25:00.000+10:00

tomorrow at 6pm at Kaleide theatre, there are auditions for the play 'Sexual Peversion in Chicago' by David Mammet, which Theatre in Bars - the RMIT collective will be staging in the first two weeks of August.
Even though it was my idea to do the show, and I helped pick the script - apparently I'm not gauranteed of getting a role, and if I don't get a role, it doesn't look like I'm gauranteed of being asked to do much else either.
I hate it when you don't know what someone thinks of you - the director is a really lovely chick, and I know she lkes me as a person, but it's hard to tell what she thinks about me regarding theatre stuff... I hate that... if she doesn't think any of the parts will suit me, I wish she would say instead of this whole "oooohhh you know, you might not get one of the parts..... sorry.... it's weird though isn't it? It will be weird if you don't..?" like - what am I supposed to do? not auditon at all? am I supposed to read her mind and be able to tell that she doesn't want me? HUH?
ehch....
anyhoo - I hope that I do ok tomorrow, and I hope I get one of the parts - and if there are any aspiring actors out there, y'all encouraged to come along!!!!

ps. things with Kim are good - it's settled into a nice little arangement now. I might have to have an 'update talk' with him soon - just to make sure everythings still all good on both sides. i"m more comfortable around him... I'm still not sure what his 'deal' is but.... I'm happy to ignore all that stuff for a while and go with the flow...

girl meets boy, girl goes crazy...

2006-06-07T01:08:00.000+10:00

come on... resist... I dare you...

general not-sureness

2006-06-05T18:50:00.000+10:00

sooooooooooo
updates
on things:

Theatre Collective (theatre in bars) is really moving along - we've decided to put on a play in August, so Pinky and I are reading some scripts and will decide what we want to do in the next few days - and then audition next week... yes - next week! I'd really really like to do 'Closer' but it's been so done recently - with the movie and there have been a couple of productions of it done as well.... but it's the best script out of what I've read so far. It will probably end up being 'Sexual Peversion in Chicago' (which, surprisingly wasn't my idea) but I'm not sure there would be a part in that one for me, which sucks balls (well, there's not really a part for me in Closer either) and it's not as good. Mainly just stupid guys talking about tits and arse... yay.

I still don't know what I'm doing for fringe - if anything. I'm going to talk to Matt about it, cos I don't really know how to go about developing something... and I keep going up and down in confidence about my writing ability... so it scares me. It would be better if I already had something that I'd written, but as it is, I have a couple of snippets of something that aren't really anything and I don't know what to do. If anyone has something they'd like to pass along for a performance to be done at Fringe, it would be cool... y'know - all you writers out there in blog-land...

Still been seeing Kim (well only on the weekend). I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing there... at all really. I really like the sex - but he's really not going well for my self-esteem, so a part of me thinks I should fuck him off, but another part of me says I'm strong enough not to let his shit affect me. I don't know how it's going really. I still like to think that I appreciate his honesty - but I wish he'd never said some of the stuff he's said.
Like on friday we went out for work drinks, and people were joking about starting rumours about him and me (without knowing that anythings been going on) and I told them what he had told me - that he likes girls to be skinnier than me etc etc etc, and all the guys were telling me how cool and interesting I was - and I said what I had said to Kim - that you can't fuck a personality.. and they were saying stuff like I 'have more personality than anyone else, more intellect than anyone else, and more body than anyone else!' and stuff like that. Then one guy was asking me how much more weight I'd like to loose - which was 20kgs (please don't gasp or anything - according to my weight and height that would get me to about what I should be) and Kim said "if she was 20gks lighter I'd ask her to marry me".
I don't like this feeling that I'm some sort of experiment in him seeing what it's like to be with a big chick or about him overcoming his stigmas...
on the other hand, I like the way I feel when we have sex - cos it's good... I like the way he makes me feel... what's the word? Safe? not quite... but he often puts his hand on my head as he's hugging me, and puts his arm around my shoulders when I'm coughing or something... it's comforting or something like that - so I'm finding it hard to be clear about what I want.

I also caught him looking me in that kind of way a couple of times... maybe it was nothing, but it looked like that look you get when you feel something more than casualness for someone... which is a little disconcerting! I don't want him to get the wrong impression about whats going on - and as I've recently discovered with Si, just cos you say one thing at the start, doesn't mean that's what they mean. It's what I mean... I'm always honest with everyone - more than honest! Brutally honest if you ask me... I couldn't be clearer about what I want... but I guess it's hard not to let it get complicated...

I think people at work might have figured out whats going on now. We left together on Friday for one thing, and then on Sunday he got a lift from a dude who just quit/got fired only a few days back, and he had another girl from work in the car with him who he's been seeing - so it's not half obvious when they come to my house (which Luke's been to before) to get Kim... and of course he gave me a quick kiss before he left... so it's going to be interesting to see what happens tomorrow at work!

something to aim for

2006-06-03T00:57:00.000+10:00

not an option

2006-06-02T00:52:00.001+10:00

apparenlty it costs over $3500 to do a year long part-time course as the VCA in acting... ba humbug....
so much for THAT idea!

however - the theatre collective is coming along very nicely, and we've got some really good ideas for stuff we want to do. I'm extremely excited!!! Looks like we're going to do a full-scale production of a play in August - Pinky and I are meeting on sunday to swap some scripts that we like... I'm thinking 'Closer' and 'The Floating World' (two vastly different plays, and I'm leaning toward the 'Closer' side of things) and she's going to give me some David Mammot (Mammoth? Mammet?) and Pintor (Pinta? Pinter?) <- I'm soooo not up on the who's who of playwrites... Hopefully I will get to act in it, and I think Pinky will be directing... or maybe we'll get someone else to direct, cos I think she was keen to act as well.

There might be another improv night - and maybe something in the 3Dfest that's happening I think July? AND we're doing something for Fringe, and apparently (according to the last email) I'm mentioned as possibly going to be devising something for that to go with another script thats being done... which makes me want to shit my pants cos I've never 'devised' anything before - I have an idea... but how on earth do I turn that into a fully fledged thing??????
And then there's going to be 'Paris Hilton hates Cate Blanchett' - a night of Theatre Trash vs Highbrow...
so of course I'll keep this blog informed - and I expect to see your tiny little pixelated faces at all of the events.

that was a very 'blah' entry wasn't it?

one less 'to do'

2006-05-29T18:25:00.000+10:00

*sigh of relief*
I FINALLY did Reb's jewellery... or at least some of it. I can't be bothered doing any more - I did what I could, the rest is a little hard... she'll have to live with it - and considering that I'm not going to ask her for any money... I hope she doesn't complain too much.
The story you ask?
well...
about 2 years ago (maybe more) a friend of mine asked me to fix some jewellery for her. She's one of those pushy type friends who it's hard to say no to, so I agreed. Fast forward to about 2 months ago (adding in the bit where everytime she saw me she would remind me/make me feel guilty about it) and she started calling with peeved tones asking for it back, even if it wasn't finished etc etc. I was about to just give it all back (I've had a slight falling out with her since all of this - she's one of the party's involved with the whole Dan-Breakup thing, and she's also done other things to really piss me and some other friends off) but I had a fit of guilt at the last minuite and asked if she could give me another two weeks. "Two weeks?" she asked? "Yes! Two weeks is all I will need!"
ha.
Now it's two months later and she's started calling me again (quite rightly so) and after putting her off and putting her off - I've FINALLY gone and done the bloody stuff, to give back to her on Wednesday...
*another sigh of relief*
It's so great when you get to tick one of those fuckers that's been around the back of your head for ages...

Now, I could write about my sexy weekend, but, really, I suppose it's all getting a bit samey talking about who I fucked and how 'it was awesome' all the time, so I won't.

I was also going to do a big rant about Si and how much of a dick he is, and how I'm not going to see him any more - and I will be friends with him, but I need a bit of a cooling off period, but I think that might end up being a bit boring as well.
Sufficed to say, he got drunk and wanted to hang out - embarrased me in front of alot of friends by heckling them on stage and generally being a dick, told me I was a bitch when I tried to wake him up after the gig was over (he fell asleep...) and shoved me in the chest a few times when I tried to get him outside to the taxi.
Calling me a bitch is bad enough - but no one, and I mean NO ONE shoves me and gets to be with me.
So I took him home (I wanted to make sure he was ok - even tho Gun's advice was to leave him asleep at the pub) but told him to sleep on the couch. He got very upset, and I said we weren't going to see each other any more, and he got even more upset - and angry.

"I could have slept at 3 other girls houses tonight"
fine, go there then
"I can't believe you're doing this to me"
I'm not doing it, you are
"I've been getting texts from a girl at work all night"
I've been fucking other people, text all you want.

He said he knew I was probably sleeping with other people, and that it had hurt him, even though he knew what the arrangement was. He basically admitted to having serious feelings about me, and said that he's fucked up one of the best things in his life.
I wanted to tell him that he never really had me because I didn't want anything serious with him, but I didn't.
Sometimes I thought I could be with him, but most of the time I knew he wasn't really for me.
I feel a little bad about doing this whole thing with him when I didn't want anything serious, but then I think that he's a grown-up too, and I talked about our relationship heaps, and gave him numerous opportunities to voice how he felt, and he lied about it... so I tend to expect him to take responsibility for taking care of himself and his feelings.

I'm nothing if not upfront with the guys that I see. If I thought there could be something between me and one of them I would act differently, but as it is, I tell them and have the conversation pre-sex about what I'm doing with my life and my intentions and what the go is.
This probably sounds heartless.... but what more can I do? I'm not going to stop seeing someone just because I think there's a chance they're not being honest with me... it's up to them to define their own lines...

that's pretty heartless....
oh dear...

Sporting Fun

2006-05-25T00:23:00.000+10:00

Theatre Sports tonight.
I DIDN'T suck.
SHOCK
In fact, afterwards I heard many things, including
"WOW! You were fantastic!"
"where the hell did you come from?"
"that was GREAT!"
"you guys should have won!" <-we came second (country: 'Canberra', sport: '100m running the country'), which I'm happy about, considering the team who came first were AWESOME, and that statement was said by the mum of one of the guys in my team - hardly unbiased.
Good night, anyway.
I want to be an actor when I grow up - it's official!

Another Sordid Story

2006-05-22T12:55:00.000+10:00

I've got another one!

it's weird writing about it after every weekend... I wonder if people are judging me or if they don't care. All I know is that recently I've gotten the most amount of comments I've gotten in a while, so whatever it is that people are thinking of me - it's generating a response.

I have to say, also, that possibly contrary to popular belief - I don't just sleep with anyone... I want that cleared up. I know it might sound like it a little - and sure, in all honestly I'll probably kiss just about anyone (at least once) but the whole sex thing is a different thing. I've never slept with anyone that I regretted (well... that's not true at all actually, but there was a different circumstance there).

So, having prefaced this post with that little disclaimer - I'll get right into the dirty stuff! ;)

Friday night was AWESOME. I actually was good on stage, which was.... weird. I got heaps of great feedback from everyone - and from people who I never would have expected it from as well... Like Richard! Had this 5 min conversation (which, when it's all just stroking your ego, is a long time) about how impressed he was with my performance, and how he thought I kept getting better and better, and how I held it together well on stage - which was an absolutely phenominal conversation for me. Richard is one of those people who I admire immensly... and after living with him for a while and the nastyness that we've had for a while, it was nice to finally be back to real friends with him. Like I said - I got heaps of great feedback from lots of others as well, which was really really really really nice, and it gives me much more confidence! (although, having said that - I don't recommend anyone coming to the Theatre Games... I think it's going to be SHIT).
Jess, Cindy, Simon and Kim (all from my work) came, which was really cool as well. Tom (my housie) came as well, but he left right after my little bit - more important places to be. Simon also left halfway through the night - which was ok, but I'm sorry for him cos I think he would have absolutely LOVED the last piece... just his kind of thing - thoughroughly fucked up and uber offensive. (He's really a nice guy tho!) :) Jess and Cindy left and didn't stay for drinks - but somewhat surprisingly Kim stayed around and nabbed as many free wines as we could, before we all headed over the road to the Order of Melbourne and started what turned out to be a very big night.
It was weird - I was just talking to Kim for a while, and it didn't seem like much time had passed, but after a while I looked up and half the group had gone and there was only a few of us left - and no one had said goodbye! bastards! It was a very deep conversation about all sorts of stuff. I always laugh at Kim at work, because he always has these rants - and I expect at least one rant a day, on any number of subjects - usually politics. Anyhoo, I'd gotten some pills for Rich, and after a small group discussion we decided we would all have a little. I asked Kim if he wanted some, which sparked a conversation about how my tactic with my friends is just to drug them up and 'get with them' (I wasn't being serious, but I was joking about how I don't really need the E to be uninhibbited, but it's a good excuse if everyone around you is on it as well...) To which he said something along the lines of - 'can I tell you something?', to which I said something to the tune of 'I don't know, is it going to sting?' - because of the whole conversation we had at the pub two weeks ago about how if Jess had my personality he would be a dibbling mess around her... blah blah blah - there was alot, that I can't be bothered going into. And he said (something very romantic) "I'd really like to give you one", and I promptly replied "I thought you only fucked skinny girls!"

This sparked this very long conversation - half of which still made me want to stick my fingers down my throat and vomit untill I was thin, and the other half of which made me want to fuck him even more (for numerous reasons i should add... NOT just that he'd hurt my fragile ego - although that was one of them). He said he really likes me (likes my personality), I told him that he can't fuck my personality - and he apparently dissagrees. None of this made me feel particularly sexy, but I did end up sitting on his lap and pashing. This is the point in the evening that everyone else left, leaving just the two of us still talking about all this stuff. I have to say, aside from everything else, I admire his honesty. Even if it is a little pathetic - at least he actually says 'I like you but I don't like your body. I'm ashamed at myself for that, but it's how I feel' (I paraphrased), unlike other people which do the whole "noooooooo, you're beauuuuutifuuuuuul......." and it's so fake you could punch them.

I ended up going back to his place though, which was new for me - and we had the most intense sex I've ever had. I didn't really feel like my usual sex-goddess self, for a couple of reasons - one being that I didn't know how to work his 'equipment'. He's the most different to any of the other guys I've been with, and I couldn't get a feel for it. I think this had something to do with the fact that he has his penis pierced with a very very very large thick bar - something I've certainly never encountered before and didn't really know what to do with. He had a very very very large thick penis too... (just thought I'd add that in).
But it was all amazing - we just fucked and slept all through Saturday, and finally got out of bed at like 6 or 7pm or something and ordered pizza... hung out for a while, then he came back to my house!
Sun morn he drove me into the city and this is how we left it: casually meaningful - which I'm not entirely sure of the meaning of... but we'll see. He knows about Si (who I got literally 20 missed calls from on Friday night!) and he knows about fuckapalooza - but I think I'll have to be careful - even if just for the fact that we work together-together - he's in the warehouse with me. I think he's worried that I'm going to fall in love with him (which is more than a little presumptuous - and it's not ever going to happen, I know) and he said something about falling in love easily himself - so maybe that might be one to be careful of.

He did tell me I was beautiful.

I found it a little uncomfortable to sit down yesterday.....

see my snatch

2006-05-16T18:52:00.000+10:00

I used to do Drama to get out of PE at school, but...

2006-05-16T18:48:00.000+10:00

warning: tantie ahead!

2006-05-15T15:18:00.000+10:00

I was going to write this whole post about how much I'm pissed off with Si at the moment.
I can't really be bothered now.
Just, to cut a long story short - I don't care how casual a relationship is, it's still a friendship, and you don't fuck your friends around the way he fucked me around yesterday.
It's NOT ok to call someone at 2pm and organise to hang out and then after not ringing back or txting anything for 3 hours, then saying 'yes I'll be there soon' and then another 3 hours and then 'oh, I'm going home'.
I waited around my house for a whole day, because he said he was coming over. I'm not saying that I cancelled any great plans, but I could have had something - he didn't know...
I feel shit that he thinks that it's ok for him to pick me up whenever he wants and drop me off just as casually.
Like I said - this isn't even about sex or relationships or whatever - this is about friendship, and I would never do that to a friend.
I have come to expect this kind of behaviour from some other people recently... now I've got another name to add to my list of "people not to trust".
I don't care if that's harsh...
how dare he.

Friday night:

2006-05-09T19:17:00.000+10:00

:was an absolute blast!!

I had soooo much fun!

went for work drinks with work people (wow, who woulda guessed?) because a couple of the guys here are leaving.

Got EXTREMELY drunk, and ended up having a pill again (which was actually passed to me via kiss from one of my work buddies). (hehehehe).

I kissed:
Skye
Luke
Cindy
Kim (male)
Si

hehehehe
legitimate kisses btw - not any spin-the-bottle-shit or anything.

Skye:
she and i were dancing, and I was pilling, and we just kind of grabbed each other and pashed. Repeatedly.

Luke:
he and I were flirting alot all night, and we were being cheeky, and at one point he leaned in for the kiss but I leaned back - cheeky again. Then at another stage he asked me if I wanted I pill... I kind of ummed and ahhed about it - basically I didn't want to pay the money... hehehe... then later we were sitting and talking with some other people, and he grabbed me and kissed me and passed me the pill in his mouth - and then we pashed again also...

Cindy:
I'm sitting there drunk as a skunk, pilling still and this exchange happened;
ME: have you ever kissed a girl before?
CINDY: no
ME: would you like to?
CINDY: ok
*pashpashpashpashpashpashpash*
hehehehe

Kim:
having very strange conversations about how he likes skinny women because they "make you feel like more of a man" and how he has a big dick... and how I'm very talented in the sack (hey, I was drunk - and tooting my own horn) - him talking about having threesomes and how I obviously want one with two males (duh) and him looking at Simon sitting next to me... and me saying no... and him saying that I'm scared - and me saying "no! but I have to work with you on tuesday!!". Then him saying goodbye, and me trying to get a kiss on the cheek, then turning my head at the last minuite to get a kiss on the lips (sooo sleazy - but i get away with it cos I'm so cute) and then PASHING, breaking away and then PASHING AGAIN.

Si:
well, he came home with me. And he watched all the other shenanigans as well... hehehe
how's that for casual????

Me:
feeling like a slut, and loving it.

(can we think of a better word than slut? is there some way not to make it sound like a put-down?)

what do you want?

2006-05-03T13:58:00.000+10:00

I’m Confused
(well… that’s hardly a surprise… but bear with me)

I don’t get boys
(stay with me for one moment)

I’m confused about boys.
(just one more sec please)

Last night, I got an out of the blue txt from Phone Sex Boy (aka PSB). PSB is the boy that a few months ago I had a rather intense/fun/sexy phone conversation with (I can’t remember if I wrote about this or not…), who a day later promptly freaked out and said that he felt like he had cheated on his girlfriend (I don’t know if I agree with him or not… I guess I wouldn’t like any boyfriend of mine having the conversation that PSB and I had with other girls). Anyway, he’s the one who freaked out. I took the ‘whatever’ attitude – as I knew that it was nothing serious, and although I would have really liked to do everything that we talked about in real life, I knew he had a girlfriend – so there was no real option.
But like I said, last night I got an out of the blue txt. Well, almost out of the blue. The extended version of the story goes like this:
A couple of weeks ago he txted me asking if I was angry at him – as whenever he got online and said hello to me, I apparently logged off. I told him that I hadn’t been using the internet much, and it must have been my housemates on my computer. I had, though, decided after the ‘episode’ however far back, that I would give him a lot of space, and I hadn’t bothered trying to make contact.
On Friday night, he txted me again, asking about a dress-up party and suggestions. A small converstation ensued – most of which is unimportant, aside from me reminding him that we always meant to catch up for drinks, and never had. He said that we would – in 3 weeks in the City. -> 3 weeks… I know – obscure, but hey, whatever.
THEN:
Last night I got a txt. “Saturday night was mad! U woulda loved it. I was such a slut. How come u r never on msn anymore? Drinks 2 weeks in the city!”
Totally random, in my opinion – as we have never ever ever ever had a random conversation through txt that wasn’t started online (we don’t ever see each other really, and have really only had sexy conversations). Also – “I was such a slut” – I know probably just means that he looked all transvestited-up, but I could read so many things into that one little sentence it’s not funny.
I replied: “U? A slut?! NEVER! ;) I don’t really have the net anymore – it’s dans account so that’s why… Plus my supply of phone sex [I meant to say cyber sex, but was distracted] dried up so I’ve had to venture out into the world and get some for real!”
PSB: “Oops sorry bout the phone sex. I need a cap plan. I have a video phone now tho. Tell me who u been getting it on with?”
-> wtf? “I need a cap plan”? I don’t get that either – does that mean he wants more conversations with me??? Does that mean anything at all??? I have no idea…
----I’m probably over-analysing right?----
so – we had a very long textual conversation – me saying that I’d started fuckapalooza, and asking him how he was and what was going on with him. This was my very very gentle way of asking him if he was still with his girlfriend (he probably is, they’re long-term), to which he never made a reply. He told me nothing about his life and what was going on (another reason why he’s probably still with her).
I (perhaps somewhat foolishly) decided to send him a very kinky pic (not of myself I’ll have you know) that someone had once sent me of a couple of girls together to christen his phone for him.
Then for the rest of the night he sent me porn pics on my phone of girls sucking, fucking, getting fucked, and getting ‘shot in the face’ so to speak… I’ll admit – I was responding pretty positively to this, I’ve always liked a kinky conversation. But the thing that shits me is that he’ll never do anything about it – so, in my opinion, is the biggest cunt-tease ever.
At one point I said: “so much for not crossing the line hey?” – as this was something that he’d said to me after the phone conversation. He sent back something to the tune of “oops, I am just really horny I spose”.
At another point I said: “SO looking forward to that catch-up drink ey! That’s going to be interesting!” meaning it would be uncomfortable-making. I also said: “You are just SO all talk and fluff. U need to get out into the real world and play with the rest of us” (I was getting a little tired of it all by this stage)
His reply: “That is truly true. Unfortunately I don’t know if I could handle u out in the real world! But you do make a very good point.” And then to something else I said: “Never say never! But in all honesty, not when we have drinks. Unless u force me… which wouldn’t be all bad.”

OH I almost forgot to mention (this is one of the punchlines) - the very last pic he sent me was one of his erect penis, saying something like 'this is where you can sit' or something like that...

WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE?!?!??!??!

What the hell does all of that mean exactly? Does he, or doesn’t he want to get together? Or did he just need some chick to talk to while he wanked?? I don’t fucking understand what exactly went on. “Unless you force me”?????? like I’m some predator or something…

BUT I’ll go for drinks, if indeed he was actually serious about that bit… and see what the hell is going on. In fact, I’m going to ask him. I was content and excited by the initial stuff, but since then – I’ve been out and getting it for real* and I seriously don’t need his meek little attempt at sexiness…

If anyone would like to help me decipher this obviously confused boy…. It would be muchly appreciated. I need to know whether to bother pretty-ing myself up for our catch-up when/if it happens. I want to know what his intentions are.

In hindsite - that would have been a very good question to ask...

*during this whole fiasco - I actually also got a txt from Theo... a very nice sexy txt. I didn't say I wasn't in demand! ;)

walk the line

2006-05-02T10:19:00.000+10:00

Ever get the feeling that your life is stretching out in front of you in one long thin gray line?

I do.

6 things I hate about myself

2006-04-26T12:48:00.000+10:00

so, Richard Watts has tagged me! Lets all get angsty on the count of 3!
1, 2, GO!

1. I hate that I have a really big ego and low self esteem. I don’t know how it works, and it’s confusing – both for myself and others. Especially myself. I mean, do I think I’m the ducks nuts*, or not??? Make up my mind dammit!

2. I hate that I’m really ‘primary school’ when I have crushes on people that I don’t want to know that I like them. Like, I mean, I do the grown-up equivalent of pulling pig-tails and stuff. I always put them down, and make fun of things about them – to their face – that I actually really like and admire. I don’t know if I do it to try and stop myself from liking them more (and therefore protect myself from future rejection) or to make sure they will never feel the same about me (because of course, I don’t deserved to be liked – see above point re ‘low self esteem’) or to just hide my true feelings under a layer of sarcasm and facetious comments because my crush isn’t appropriate as they’re usually either gay or in a relationship (that always seems to be going fine, and NOT on the verge of breaking up… dammit) OR all of the above. I’ve been doing this a lot recently, and I hate that I do, because I usually do it all in a light-hearted joking way but I think all the jokes have actually gotten to some of them and I didn’t really mean for that to happen. Now I just want to be friends with them cos I like them so much that I just want to be around them, (admittedly it’s hard not to think about having hot-hot sex with them all the time, but hey, I can live with that) but I think I’ve scared/fucked them off… so there goes that idea.
I hate that.

3. I hate that I feel the need to boast about my sexual exploits**. For some reason I seem to think that if I tell people about it, I’ll seem cool – even though as soon as I say it out loud, I just feel trashy and self centered. I hate that I need constant validation. Sorry, I know that’s technically two. So sue me.

4. I hate my stretch-marks. They’re big and some of them are red, and they’re ugly. Some of them are starting to go away as I loose weight, but there is always going to be scars. I’ll never have a truly sexy stomach, no matter how small I get.

5. I hate how fickle I can be about people/friends. Put me in front of Person A and I’ll be as nice and friendly as I can possibly be. Put me in front of Person B who dislikes Person A, and I’ll bitch about them till the cows come home. Problem is – I mean it each time. I’m not faking it with either person. I just change my mind really easily. Or, I have the ability to have two conflicting ideas about the one person at the same time. I did this a lot with my parents when I was younger, and I created a lot of situations that could have been avoided if I’d just made my damn mind up.

6. I hate that I’m not more interesting. These were all so cliché.

And now I tag Jumpin’, Damian (aka Super D), Gun Street Girl, Idahorn, People in Glass Houses and Angry As Bastard (even though he probably will refuse to do this, cos he’s far better than us and above this shit). Youse guys have to say 6 things that you hate about yourself as well, and then tag 6 others blah blah… you know the drill.

*why are the ‘ducks nuts’ supposed to be good? I’ve never understood that…
** like, for example, the fact that I had the best sex of my life on Sat night... hehehe. With 'date-boy' (Theo) - we didn't need to go on the awkward date after all, caught up with people we both knew (so had comfortable-making buffers) and he of course came back to mine for a night of good times. My God. We both agreed that we were respectively the best people we'd ever slept with ever...

Odd Spot #326

2006-04-20T14:25:00.000+10:00

"The oyster is usually ambisexual. It begins life as a male and becomes a female. It may go back and forth many times."

lusty poem

2006-04-19T09:18:00.000+10:00

an orgasmic sigh
is what I'll cry
if you come by
come by next time
I'll suck you dry
again, no lie
a night with I
cum by
cum Si

buckle in OR: this is a long one

2006-04-11T11:39:00.000+10:00

Drum roll please:

I have a DATE for tomorrow night.
And I’m not referring to the often dried fruit that many enjoy as a healthy snack.
I mean a proper, going out, DATE
With a PERSON
A BOY to be precise.
(Another one, for those who are keeping count. Keeping count? I’m not…)

Ok, so I’ll start at the beginning:

Saturday was Willz’s 21st party, to which Si and I were both going. I dressed up in my corset – I thought it was a good excuse to bring it out again, and I was excited to show Si, as I’d told him a lot about it, and I wanted to have hot-hot corset sex… of course – who wouldn’t? I got there early with the girls though, and Si didn’t turn up till much later – in the mean time, I was left to talk to a huge group of people that I don’t know, being as it were, Will’s party and not my own.
I was introduced to a couple of other ‘floaters’ as I called us – people who didn’t know many other people, and this one guy in particular was very nice. At one point I was talking to Mel and her cousins, and I looked and saw him sitting on the couch all on his lonesome – now, I’m normally a pretty shy person, contrary to popular belief, and if I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again – I’m a bit of a social retard, so talking to new people without a buffer is the kind of thing that makes me shit my proverbial pants. BUT I mustered up all my courage – admittedly a lot easier wearing my armor-of-the-corset which is like an instant confidence booster – and went over and sat and started talking with him. Like a normal person (Shock!). Turns out he does student theatre at La Trobe, and has done musical theatre and all that stuff – and I was talking to him about a new collective that’s starting at RMIT and an improv night that’s going to get started soon.
->sorry, I’m rambling aren’t I? I’m going to try to stick to the important information<-
He had recently been broken up with by his long term girlfriend, and so (of course) I had to tell him about fuck-a-palooza, (really, I probably would have mentioned it anyway, it tends to come up in conversation with me quite a bit recently) and the benefits it has for getting over a sore break-up. He was intrigued (of course). Because of this break-up, his friends were throwing him a bit of a party that night, to celebrate his recent ‘singleness’ and so he had to leave the party early – so at the end, I said I should get his no. to let him know about theatre stuff (What balls! What brass! I’ve never been this kind of person before… just asking for phone numbers – oh how times are changing!), and he agreed.
I went to put him in my phone, and the following conversation took place:

ME: When I put someone new in my phone I usually put a word next to their name so I can remember who they are, so what would you like your word to be?
T: call me
ME: hahaha [slightly uncomfortable but very excited] that won’t help me remember
T: oh, there are so many of us are there?
ME: how about ‘21st’? Or… ‘theatre’?
T: call me
ME: I’m actually pretty shy, so the chances of me calling are actually pretty slim… [shuffle]
T: then text me or something
ME: [grinning like an idiot – trying to make it look more sexy and not quite so idiotic… not sure if that was successful]

SO Sunday I txted him, asking how his bachelor party went, and if he’d kicked off fuck-a-palooza yet or not, to which he replied “not yet, I was thinking there was some merit in starting where the idea came from”. To which I said that was a very very good idea – and after a whole lot of back-ing and forth-ing we set up a date for tomorrow night.
àsorry, that took a really long time to get to the point/punch-line didn’t it?ß

Now, my next question (or, is this the first question?) – what the HELL do people do on dates?!?!?!?! I’ve never been on one, let along a fuck-a-palooza date – which is pretty much just killing time until one of us goes back to the others house, right? I have no idea… and it’s more than a little nervous making.

On another topic (well, we’re still talking about boys, which is really my only topic of late) I was really annoyed with Si that night. He did eventually come, already more than a little tipsy. He did have the sense to tell me I looked hot (actually, he’s particularly good like that – he really knows how to give a compliment) but then he went straight to the (free) bar and proceeded to get massively, messily, fucked-upily drunk. He was literally just sculling glasses of champagne and generally acting like a bit of a dick. I was getting really miffed with him at the party and eventually he had sufficiently killed my mood that I just wanted to go home, and so had to pretty much drag/carry him all the way down Brunswick st to get him back to my place. SO many times during that journey I was ready to walk off on him and just leave him wandering down the middle of the road (standing in front of cars cos he thought it was funny…) but at the same time, he really is a good friend (if nothing else) and I wanted to make sure he was ok. I can’t even begin to describe how annoyed I was with him though… at one point we were walking past the council housing flats and I asked if we could please keep moving cos I was a little freaked out by that area and didn’t want to hang around, so I started walking down the street, and he was walking behind me calling out “HEROIN! HEROIN! ALIA! HEROIN!” “DEATH! DEEEAAATH!” He doesn’t remember much about getting home, surprisingly. He then passed out on my bed (when I finally got him there) halfway through rolling a joint, with a little ball of pot and the filter lying on his chest.
So much for the hot-hot corset sex!
It was really sad, cos it really spoiled a really nice day that we’d had together hanging out on Bruns St (although there’s another story that goes with that one – but I think I’ll save it for another time, I can almost hear the water glazing over your eyes from the already lengthy post). I was totally over it, and I was even thinking of saying ‘thanks but no thanks anymore’ but I do really like him when he’s not like that… so I think I’ll just be taking a big step back – I mean, we’ve been seeing a SERIOUSLY large amount of each other, especially for people that are supposed to be ‘casual’… He did come over last night to do a bit more training (he’s teaching me Jujitsu… it’s really really cool) but he didn’t stay over and if it weren’t for the training, I wouldn’t have wanted to catch up. We did have a really good conversation last night though, and I’ve come to the very big conclusion that he’s going to be a really really close mate, no matter what else happens. I think he’s a really cool guy, except for the alcoholism, and while I don’t think he’s ‘boyfriend material’ – even though I don’t really know what that is anyway – I think maybe a LONG time in the future after he’s sorted out all his shit, and I’ve sorted out all my shit, we could have something real between us. But, we’re talking a LONG time in the future…
I also cleared up the ‘casual’ thing with him finally. It’s now been said out-loud, and said definitely that we’re both allowed to see other people if we want – and that it really is definitely, most positively casual – even though it’s been extremely ‘frequently casual’ so far. He said that I could have just gone out with other people and not told him – but I said I didn’t want to feel like I was doing it behind his back, and I needed to make sure that it was all ok. I didn’t want to feel like I was cheating on someone (again) cos it’s not a nice feeling at all. I haven’t told him about the date though. Now that I know it’s all out in the open, I really don’t think he needs to know the particular details…

THERE
SHEESH
That was one hell of a textual dump.

It’s ok – I’ll stop now (that is if anyone’s still reading anyway – don’t worry, I won’t blame you if you gave up after the first couple of paragraphs… but then you’ll never know that if you didn’t read down this far… will you?)

For anyone that’s interested, this post was 1,551 words long, which is about the length of a small art-history essay. I hope you learnt a lot. I’ll include footnotes and bibliography later.

PARTY PICS

2006-04-07T17:32:00.000+10:00

due to popular request (ok, so one person mentioned it in passing) here are a few selected pics, and these are the ones that I didn't look QUITE as bad in... so you can imagine the atrocities that were omitted...

I'm not sure at what point of the evening this was taken... I'm looking a tad fucked tho is all I can say...

there was some m&m dancing in my lounge - good times

hamish... ah lovely hamish...

Super D and Jess - she was alot happier than that if you were actually there in person

me under boys tee hee

not sure: don't even ask

pretty much sums up my entire relationship with Him I think

me and michael - aww

even later, looking even more fucked which I didn't think was possible... but there you go. It wouldn't be such a bad photo, but for the eyes. Man, what was I ON that night? oh, that's right...

cats out of the bag

2006-04-07T10:54:00.000+10:00

*belated sigh of relief*

for about 3 weeks now I’ve kind of been seeing someone in a very casual/not-so-casual manner.

There I said it.

I’ve been holding on for soooo long now – I wasn’t allowed to say for a while – I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone, cos it’s a big secret.

But now, finally, the last person who was of concern has been told – and it’s all out in the open. Well, actually not out in the open at all – still majorly big secrets from anyone here at work who’s not part of my ‘click’. (No pun intended D)

Problem is, I’ve been holding on to it for so long, and not let myself blog about it for so long, that now I think I’ve lost the impetus… weird huh? All the first rush/flush stuff seems like ages ago, so it’s not really that exciting to talk about again… and the more recent stuff is just kinda boring, and I’m a little bit over it all….
Maybe I’m just in a flat mood today – but yeah.

My ‘Casual Fling’ always seems to come across as much more serious than that, which is not what I want at all – and, no offence to the lovely guy that he is – he’s just not what I would want in a long-term partner. Mind you, I can’t really think of anyone who fit’s that description at the moment – because I can’t fathom the idea of being with someone like that at the moment. At all.
Plus, my CF has major issues with a lot of things – and the good thing is that he’s starting to change his behavior a little recently (not drinking as much, but still a lot, not smoking as much weed) – but the bad thing is that I think he’s doing it for me, more than himself – which is a lot of responsibility on my part. Or, rephrase that – I think he does want to do it for himself, but he’s not able to unless he’s got someone (me) there to distract him from all of it, and help him remember to not ‘fall off the wagon’ so to speak. Good on him, I say, but I don’t really care if my CF gets high all the time – I do care when they drink too much, and then can’t ‘perform’ in bed, which has happened more than once now, but don’t not drink like you’re doing me a favour! I’ve managed to get him over his sex hang-ups though, which I’m proud of. Or, most of them anyway. So I’m proud of that. I like to think of myself as a service to the community really… hehehe

He gets along well with all my friends though. And he’s fun to hang around when he’s not completely pissed… although the conversation doesn’t always come easily with us when we’re on our own. No matter what I want him in my circle of friends for good – he’s such a nice guy.

What am I even talking about? I don’t even know… I think I’m just expressing random thoughts that are passing through my head at the minute.

He’s fucking hot though. Such amazing blue eyes… and a sexy sexy body. I think he’s got my ideal body really (not that I don’t like all manner of shapes and sizes) – wonderful arms and shoulders and hips and stomach and and and and and phew… he’s just hot.
And such a sweetie.

But I’m fucked so this is all I can be bothered writing at the moment.

story of my...

2006-04-05T12:39:00.000+10:00

SCENE:

A room full of a sea of papers
camera zooms in
the papers can be seen to be encryption jobs
camera zooms back out
a small movement in the middle of the pile can be seen
the shuffling gets bigger until finally a face emerges - wild eyed and panicked

GASP OF BREATH

"HELP!"

one hand fights through to raise above the sea of jobs, bloodied by paper cuts
there is a struggle below the surface
finally a cessation of movement
the face sinks back down, eyes searching for any sign of hope
the hand still raised begins to sink also
soon there is no evidence left of any disturbance

the room is once again silent

:END SCENE

I feel pretty

2006-03-29T10:27:00.000+11:00

Soooo
*stretch*
anyone else have a REALLY BIG weekend???
I sure did.
*yawn*
I’m still recovering you see…
From my BIG WEEKEND
Or, big BIRTHDAY weekend, you could say
Because that’s what it was…
OR big-birthday-bestest-bash ever weekend…
OH MY GOD
It was SUCH a good party. It was the BEST party I think I’ve ever been to… and it was at my OWN HOUSE.
I got massively trashed on numerous substances, and the night is admittedly a bit hazy – although I’m pretty sure I remember most of it – just not the order everything happened in. Like, I remember everyone leaving, but I can’t remember at what stage they left, and what they saw before they left…
All my wishes came true: there was fun, frivolity, debauchery, drinking, good times. That’s what I asked for right? (I think I also wanted spin-the-bottle, which didn't happen... but near enough is good enough for me!)
I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite so attractive as I do at the moment.
I had the happiest night of my life.
Everyone liked my room, and a lot of action happened in there that night. I mean, action AND action… if you know what I mean *wink wink*
At one stage I was lying on my bed, with Hamish (friend from Primary School – hadn’t seen him in exactly a year and a day – he was at my 21st last year!) in one arm, with his hand on my boob, and Simon (and sometimes Michael) in the other arm with their respective hands on my other boob… (well, actually, Michael was more interested in Hamish… but I still had fun watching) and some other miscellaneous boy lying across my feet – I was in absolute heaven.
At another stage I was rubbing myself and various parts of my body, including my lips up against Telia’s body, also on my bed, and she was doing the same back.
At one stage I was sitting on Hamish's lap while he had his face buried in my chest...
I danced with everyone (I think). I was so happy that people came, and I was so happy that the people who came were the people who came. Does that make any sense? No? Well, you’ll just have to take my word for it…
I just feel like gushing and gushing and gushing. I better stop now because otherwise I’ll be here forever.
But it was a fucking good party… like you wouldn’t believe.
Nuts to all those who missed out!
And love and kisses to all those that came! You rock my pretty little world.

all my blog dreams come true

2006-03-24T09:30:00.000+11:00

so, like I said: I'm not cool enough to get the joke - and seeing as I'm the kind of person I am, I'm going to answer each and every one of Angry's questions... if you have a problem with that - he's the one you need to have words with.

-Do you believe in god?
nope, but I believe in something - I'm just not entirely sure what that is
-How old were you when you lost your viginity?
18
-Have you ever been in love?
yes
-What do you hate about yourself?
I don't think I'm very cool - and I tend not to 'get' things...
-Are you afraid of dying?
sometimes - but not always
-When did you last cry?
last thursday
-Are you lonely?
not at the moment
-How often do you masturbate?
usually at least once a day
-Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?
not a real proper one - but it was a minor concern once
-Have you ever cheated on someone?
yes
-Marriage and kids, could you ever see it for yourself?
I don't believe in marriage, but I would like to have a kid (one) one day
-Have you ever cut yourself?
no
-Are you able to have sex without any emotional hang ups?
I'm not positive - but I'm testing the theory that I am able, as we speak (well, not as we speak but you know what I mean). So far so good.
-Do you like Johnny Cash or do you think he's just been appropriated by a horde of posers and his talent is meagre at best?
Don't really like him - I watched the movie and it didn't do much for me
-'Man Who Sold the World', Bowie or Nirvana version better?
well, I've only heard the Nirvana version (much to my dissapointment)... I LOVE that song - mostly because it was linked to a really great moment of a stage play that I saw
-Has someone ever hit you in the face?
yes
-What is your biggest regret?
fucking Dan over
-Would you sleep with Surlyboy if you had the opportunity?
In a millisecond
-Have you ever been seriously ill/injured?
No
-Have you ever made the deliberate choice to hurt someone?
hrm. Emotionally - yes in a revenge type way. Physically - yes in a playful way
-Do you believe in ghost, spirits, etc.?
sometimes
-Are confident about the way you look?
at the moment - yes, but ask me last week - no
-Do you see nobility or desperation in poverty?
I see nobility in how some people deal with poverty... I see desperation in myself when povo
-What do you find attractive in the opposite sex?
sooooo many things its not funny. There are soooo many things that makes a person attractive... I could be here ALL DAY if I tried to list them
-Have you ever been imitate with someone of your own sex?
yes
-Are you vocal during the act of sex?
yes
-What's your earliest memory?
watching a really colourful lightening storm out the window of this cottage that we used to live in
-Do you think people are naturally selfless or self serving?
self serving for sure (well I am anyway)
-Do you believe certain people derserve to die?
not really
-Is you life heading where you wanted it too at the end of High School?
very very very slowly, yes - I wish it would move faster
-Do you perform fellatio?
shit yeah
-If so do you swallow the ejactulate?
depends
-What are you most proud of in your life?
I've accomplished alot and done alot of things, I'm proud of the whole pack of them
-What is the most affecting artwork/movie/book etc you have encountered?
that's a really hard one. The Matrix changed my life/me in year 9 (10?), so I'll just pick that one for the moment
-Do you have a tattoo?
no but I want one
-Do you like you parents as people?
I like my Mum, Dad's a shit
-Did you have a happy childhood?
relatively
-What do you enjoy about blogging?
talking about stuff like what's in these questions
-What do you want for your birthday?
people to be at my party - that's enough! (other than that - maybe a mixed cd?)

phew. Thanks - that was fun. Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Huzzah!

2006-03-23T12:54:00.000+11:00

It's my Birthday tomorrow
Huzzah
It's my Birthday Party on Sat
Huzzah

You've got to love a good party... you even like bad parties usually (or is that just me?)

I hope I don't get my period untill after my party...
Murphy's law is probably going to say otherwise.

I can't wait to see all my friends.
I can't wait for all my friends to see my house!
I can't wait for all my friends to meet my housemates!
(My housemates can't wait to meet all my friends!)

I hope the weather is good.
I hope I get the backyard done up nicely in time (It's a jungle out there people).

I'm hoping to get to play 'spin the bottle'. I don't know why, but for some reason it's sticking in my head and I have the urge...

I'm going to get drugs sorted - and depending how generous I feel, will dispense them to the people I like - which is everyone, seeing as I invited them.
I'm sorry that I keep mentioning when I get drugs and stuff - I don't know why I do it so often... maybe I think it makes me sound cool?? That's really sad...

I'm not actually that excited about my actual birthday - it's just a good excuse to have a party, if you ask me.
I'm only turning 22 - it's not really a milestone - but it is decidedly 'early twenties'. Don't ask me what that makes '21'. I don't have an answer.

here we go:

2006-03-22T15:54:00.000+11:00

for those of you out there that are at all interested...
THIS is what I do all day at work.

"ooh, eftpos encryption - sounds exciting"
BA-BOW
nuh
take another guess

the highlight of my day was getting these images up here...

woo hoo

retraction

2006-03-20T15:49:00.000+11:00

I hereby officioally retract the last statement/blog entry.
There is a 90% chance I'll be getting lucky at my birthday party.
I already got lucky on Sat night - and the boy in question said he was really looking forward to my birthday party.
hehehehe
that's right...
ooooh yeah baby...
no more 'ifs' and 'buts' about it
FUCKAPALOOZA
uh-huh
for real
and it was good
hehehe

I haven't stopped grinning....
tee hee

oh yeah - ps: he was that one guy that I happened to mention... the one I didn't think I had a chance in hell with - yeah

NOT going to happen

2006-03-16T15:45:00.000+11:00

last night Willz said to me:
"you better get lucky at your birthday party - I want to see some action in this room!"

I subsequently went through my party invite list - and all bar ONE of the guys I've invited/likely to come are GAY or in a RELATIONSHIP!

ppffffftt

so there goes THAT idea...

huh

A weekend of nice-ness

2006-03-14T12:12:00.000+11:00

Well, to start at the beginning (a very good place to start) on Thursday I got home from work to find my TRIPOD DVD had arrived in the mail, and after me only having to wait for one day… how cool is that?!?!?! I promptly popped it into the player, and sat down to watch a very very VERY funny recording of their Pod August nights from last year. It’s really good and really funny (did I say that already?) , and I laughed myself silly – and now my housemates think I’m a freak (yep, I think this time I pushed them over the edge). At least Tom laughed with me (or at me… I’m not sure which).

Then I went and had a drink with Jane which was nice as well – although she really didn’t want to sit and listen to any of my stories, but I was a willing audience so she unloaded all her stuff on me (not for the first time, and I’m sure not for the last)… Sometimes it really bugs me and other times it doesn’t, and this was an ‘other’ time, so it was all good – except for that my beer tasted really weird (I think maybe the Pinnacle hasn’t cleaned it’s taps in a while or something) and it was annoying because when I went back and handed it back and said it was weird, the bar staff gave me crap, and basically said that I didn’t know what I was talking about, and made me feel stupid. They gave me $1 off my next drink. How generous.

THEN on Friday morning, Tom and I were up and getting ready and stuff – to go to Port Fairy! (Folk Festival that is). He had a spare ticket so I got to go and hang with him and his muso friends, and watch a copious amount of FOLK (hurrah) – some of which was good (aka Sophie and Gorgeous) and some of which was crap-ola (aka I have no idea what the band names were cos they were so crap I walked past them very fast and tried to block it all out). It was sunny and I got brown/burnt in places (although my legs are still as white as ever – I think they have sun-retardent qualities). Got to see some very funny buskers/street performers (kinda my favorite bit about these things) – some funny cos they were funny and some funny cos they were pretty bad… I ate lots of yummy things (I’ve put on like 1 or 2kg’s this weekend, not that I care/am counting of course). Didn’t go swimming or anything, didn’t really want to. Slept in a very very small tent with Tom (“101 Ways To Get To Know Your New Housemate” by Alia out in stores very soon). Got very inspired to do my own music – coming to terms with the fact that I may have to make more folk-ey type music (because that’s what my voice is more suited to I think), and that that might just be ok after all.

Got home last night very very tired and now I want another weekend to recover. Not that it was all craziness or anything – I mean, it was FOLK for fucks sake… but you know.

I’ve sent out the ‘official text invite’ for my birthday party now. It’s definitely on the 25th March, 9pm at my house. Email sekhmetlion@hotmail.com if you want to come and I’ll give you my address… cos that would be really nice if you did (come that is). It’s in Fitzroy btw, so it’s not out in the middle of but-fuck-idaho or anything. Hopefully there will be a steady flow of alcohol (brought by your good-selves of course) and laughter, dancing – general good times.

I better get back to work.

appetite

2006-03-09T14:50:00.000+11:00

I’m sick of the stupid people I work with

I’m tired of my boring and predictable reactions

I’m peck-ish for new books

I’m hungry for new friends

I’m ravenous for new music

tafmo can bite my arse

2006-03-08T09:13:00.000+11:00

which I'm guessing won't mean much to any of you, but then, you're not stuck in a warehouse encrypting eftpos machines. Huh.

I feel like rambling a bit today (as opposed to all the other stuff that I write here... HA!)
I'm neither happy nor sad.
I'm neither excited or subdued.
I still can't spell... but that doesn't make me any less intelligent (does it??)

Mel sent me this on the weekend:

1. BoobiesexualTongue-in-cheek term used to refer to women who identify
primarily as straight but who enjoy touching and fondling women's breasts with
no particular interest in genital sexual contact. The fondling may or may not be
sexual in nature, depending on the individual. The term was coined by blogger
and podcaster minx in a 2005 blog entry at cunningminx.livejournal.com and first
appeared in print in the February 2006 Penthouse Forum article by Rachel Kramer
Bussel entitled, "XXX Podcasts: the Future of Porn?"She's not bisexual, just
boobiesexual.

I think that sums me up pretty well.
Although - I went to the Nova on Monday to see a movie with Matt, and there was the most stunning girl behind the ticket booth... she was really sexy - and I wasn't even looking at her boobs. So I don't know what that means - not that I particularly care what that means. (Don't even get me started on my rant of 'why do people feel the need to pick a side so badly? Why can't we just float around the middle somewhere?!' cos that could last for ages).

Yeah - went to the Nova with Matt - saw 'Walk the Line'. I just found out today that Reese Whitherspoon or whatever her name is one best acress for that?? It really wasn't that good... surely there was someone more deserving? All she did was look like she hadn't eaten in a couple of months and bounce around stage. Sure - she sang a bit, but it was hardly the bestest thing I've ever seen. She was just kinda bouncy. She got an oscar for bouncing.... sheesh.... I mean - I can bounce... anyone can bounce... do we all deserve oscars???

I predict today to be a strange day.

I must say - I'm a tad dissapointed - I don't think anyone out there in the vastness of blog-land is VOTING for my work on noise.net.au - look, I don't even care if you don't think my work is the best or not. It's certainly better than the 'birth of barbie' - and if you weren't voting anyway, then it won't make a difference if you vote for me. At least get me back into the top 10 - then there's more chance other people will see it... ok? OK?!

I've been listening to FourPlay this morning. I got this cd from Port Fairy Folk Fest however many years ago - and it helped me through some tough angsty-teen times. It's cool that I'm going back there this year (to the fest, not to FourPlay or angsty-teen times)... I'm pretty excited about it. Even if I don't have any of the neccesary items for camping. Sorry Tom. I'll get snacks - right?

I'm turning 22 soon(ish). Y'all invited to my Birthday Party y'hear? I'll let you know details if you let me know you're interested - it's going to be on the 25th March (sat night) at my house. How fun. There'll be music and drinking and dancing (don't let that put you off... you won't be forced to shimmy on the dance floor - I promise).

If anyone feels like buying me a new corset for my birthday, that would be great. (hey - it's only $400 odd... that's not so bad is it?)

I'm going to have to go back to TAFMO now... how fun.

internet-less

2006-03-06T21:01:00.000+11:00

I STILL don't have a phone line, so I'm sitting at an internet cafe.
I just went to Lucrezia and De Sade (I have NO idea how you spell that for real) - but it wasn't open. I was hoping to buy... well... you know... that thing that gals like to have when they have to 'do it for themselves'. I don't know why I'm trying to be coy with you people. Whatever. I'm bloody horny. Fucking hell.
No one needed to know that... but I felt the need to express it anyways.
sorry

------------------------------
I found out that a guy who I trained at work (and subsequently quit/got fired) was stabbed on the weekend. He's the first person I know who's died since I was 2. I wasn't close or anything - but I know a couple of people at work who were close to him. It's really strange and surreal. Things like this only happen to miscelanious people on the news... not people I KNOW.

-----------------------------
on yet another totally unrelated and random topic - looks like I'm going to Port Fairy Fest this weekend! My new housemate TOM (who hasn't actually moved in yet*) apparently got his hands on a spare ticket - so off I go! I'm pretty excited - it's a good chance to go and rub shoulders with music types... and maybe find that hot boy in the black trench coat that I met there all those years ago, that said he would come back to that same spot the next year, but never showed up... oorrrr maybe not...

*Tom came over on the weekend and hung out with me and the gals again. God we're excited that he's moving in - we really think that this is the missing piece to our house-puzzle. (yes I know you're reading this tom) but seriously... we're so excited.

----------------------------
this was more of an obligatory post rather than a real one - I felt like i should do this, seeing as I came to the internet cafe and all.. but there you go.
I hope it was more interesting reading than it was writing... most likely not I'm afraid...

...

2006-03-03T09:26:00.000+11:00

let me know if she's coming
so
I can mentally prepare
myself
and fix that smile on
my
face

PLEASE

2006-03-01T11:38:00.000+11:00

please please please go and vote for me at
http://www.noise.net/vote_for_art.asp
or
www.noise.net.au/alia

its a new month, and a new tally. You can vote once a day, and I can win stuff... which is cool.
I'm currently at no. 4 of the new tally board... check me out, and HELP me out.

it takes like 5 seconds (I counted)

----------------------
EDIT:
I'm now no. 2! Admittedly, this is not likely to last, as I need to stay there for a month... BUT I'm not afraid to "pimp myself to my friends" as someone so eloquently put it on the site...
GET GOING PEOPLE

----------------------
EDIT:
ok, so now I'm no. 8 - you're not voting hard enough! :P ALSO - my other art has been published now as well - so I have three different works up there (as in, 3 different series) so check them out as well, but lets concentrate on voting for the rings... ok? OK?

ducky bbq

2006-02-27T16:02:00.000+11:00

I've had an extremely pleasant weekend.
The Duckdive BBQ was very fun.
There was Beer
And Ginger Beer
And Cider
I really liked the Cider

and Ben (hopefully a new friend? what a nice chap) was taking lots of photos.
He takes a very nice photo I think.

I have nothing angsty to report.
Except that I have $10 to last me till this Thursday. (well, actually, I think I'll be able to scrape something together... I think I'll be ok. And I have a credit card - so at least I'll be able to eat)
I didn't make any jewellery today, even though I told myself I would. I even went to my studio and everything, but I couldn't 'get in the zone' unfortunately. I don't know if this whole 'putting stuff in the shop thing' is going to happen... I'm going to have to call the woman... But I did finally fix Matt's ring for him. I'm going to give it to him tonight - I hope it fits now...

He's a funny man. He makes me laugh.

help please

2006-02-24T14:25:00.000+11:00

I need some help:
please read the post before this one first (be sure to use a really high pitched voice when reading it - it adds to the 'sense' of the piece), then please give me a hand.
I got an email, asking me to answer these questions, and I will do it myself, but I'd really like to know what you would write (either for yourselves or for me) :)

ARTIST QUESTIONS
1. Tell us something about where you come from.
2. List 5 words that describe you.
3. Who are some people in your life you admire and why?
4. If you could be anybody else, who would you be and why?
5. Where do you get your inspiration?
6. How would you describe your work?
7. List your 3 favourite things.
8. What do you do for fun?
9. What do you consider to be essential in your creative process?
10. What has been the biggest challenge for you so far?
11. Do you have a life/creative highlight?
12. How do you imagine yourself in ten years time and what challenges do you imagine you’ll face along the way?
13. Is there an idea or subject that you feel obsessed by or curious about at the moment?
14. What’s the next thing on the cards for you and your art? Any big plans? Exhibitions, gigs, collaborations, exciting things?
15. (Finish the sentence) Noise is...

I can't think of any way to answer them without sounding like a complete wanker (cos that's what I become when I put the 'artist hat' on... an art-wanker.)

HELP

OH MY GOD

2006-02-24T11:42:00.000+11:00

everyone go here:

www.noise.net.au/alia

I GOT PUBLISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I gave up all hope - and LOOK LOOK LOOK
MY STUFF'S UP THERE!

now: your mission - VOTE VOTE VOTE for me, I can get MONEY
(I promise to shout y'all a drink if I win this month, or any other month)

oh my GOD I'm excited!

finally

2006-02-22T10:39:00.000+11:00

I finally did this tagging thang

1. First blog you ever read?
Drawing It Out

2. What inspired you to start your own?
The idea that I could ramble, talk, complain, vent and expose my darkest fantasies and fears (?!) to people who knew me, and if they got bored they could stop reading... so I feel less guilty about it. I have this deep desire to have people understand me... so blogging is one way to let people into a corner of my brain (even if it is biased and sensationalized...)

3. The best and worst about blogging?
Best: it's a release. I get to practice writing (HA as if I ever really construct a cohesive structure…). I get to make geeky-internet friends... they entertain me. Worst: I never feel as witty as my geeky-internet friends... I want to talk about everything that goes on in my life - and that's gotten me into some serious trouble a couple of times, but I can't seem to help myself.

4. Who was the first person to comment on your blog? Troll your archives and find out.
Gun Street Girl... duh

5. What has been your most popular blog entry?
I have no idea - and I'm sure as shit not going through 100 entries to find the one with the most comments (and if there's a way to do that easily, I'm sorry, I must be totally stupid...) I think I put this one to everyone else... Comments don't necessarily equal popularity - what was YOUR favorite entry of mine??? HA I got ya now don't I?!
ah... ahem...

6. If I re-named my blog I would call it...
I can't rename it - it took me massive amounts of brain power to come up with this lame one... don't make me go through that again....

7. If my blog had a theme song it would be...
'Bliss' by Muse. No one does angst quite like them... and that songs about (in my interpretation anyway) wanting desperately to be like someone else... pure angst. (oh, and once again, for the record, Matt Belamy is my God, and I'm going to have his immensely talented, virtuoso, genius children)

8. If my blog was a room it would look like...
It would look like my ideal bedroom: dark red walls, fairy lights hanging over pictures and around the window and door. Kinky/Kitch posters and some of my art (which, actually, at the moment involves nude screen prints of myself… nooooo I’m not self-centered! How dare you accuse me of such a thing!) Lots of dark wood, semi-gothic, very exotic, very sexy. Everything I'm not really...

9. Five bloggers I would like to have over for dinner.
Gun Street Girl, Idahorn (both of these have been over for dinner numerous times already - but, at least I know that we'll have a good time), Surlyboy, Millwood (cos those two bastards are funny when they get together) and Damien Jacks On, cos he's hilarious as well, and I really want to see what he's like when he gets drunk (cos, you know, dinner = lots of wine/gin)

10. Two bloggers you would like to set up on a blind date.
Surlyboy and Jessie - mainly cos they're really the only single bloggers out there? (sorry it's not more original)

11. Somebody I wish had a blog?
My Mum - I'd really like to see what she thinks about at odd moments...

12. If you were only allowed to read one blog ever again, which blog would it be?
Don't make me choose!
oh, if I HAVE to pick on, I guess Drawing It Out - cos it's one of the only reasons (cos I'm a lazy fuck) I have any kind of relationship with a good/old friend... and I value that....

13. Is there a fellow blogger you would like to snog / shag / do rude things to? Feel free to name names if you're game.
There's more than one, and no, I'm not game... sorry...
I can't stand rejection

14. Discover a blog. Link to a blog that you have recently found, or a blog you have been reading for a while and haven't blogrolled.
Surlyboy used to have this linked to his page… http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/ now he’s gotten rid of it, I’ll have to link it myself, cos I love it! It’s like indulging in a big piece of chocolate – you know it’s wrong, and it doesn’t make you feel great about yourself, but you love it anyway…

15. Tag five bloggers to complete this meme.
I don't know who's been tagged or not, so I won't pick 5, sorry.
I nominate Damien Jacks On and Jessie

sob

2006-02-21T11:30:00.000+11:00

finally saw Brokeback Mountain (the movie-of-the-moment from EVERYONE I know...) last night...

GUH

FA

BAH

why is life so unfair???

to have such a desperate yearning for someone...

"sometimes I miss you so much, I can't stand it"

....

....

....

so unfair...

I'm now a bonified jeweller... cool

2006-02-20T16:34:00.000+11:00

WELL, how excited AM I????

Last week, I was walking down brunswick st when Willow and I saw a shop/boutique that's looking for some consignment jewellery - so I went in and gave the woman my name and phone no. (after Wilz pushed me in there... I was going to come back 'another time') They actually called me back, and I organised a meeting with her for the next day, to show her my things, to see if she liked them and thought they would fit with the shop (apparently they got alot of 'hippie beaded stuff' coming in) and SHE LIKES IT! SO I told her I would come back TODAY and give her stuff to put in... but I didn't make anything all week (tired... no wire... blah blah) and I've been making stuff today, but I'm not going to get it done on time....
but the point is: I'M GOING TO HAVE MY STUFF IN A SHOP! (finally)

((I'm at the old house - Dan was kind enough to let me use his computer/internet - we STILL don't have a phone line...))

I bought the new Muse DVD today (yes, I'm a tad obsessed) and I love it. I think they are the most amazing thing ever to rock my world... I just don't ever get sick of them (although, I can see how others might).

I was singing last night - and I actually didn't mind how I was sounding too much... which is a step in the right direction. I was just plucking on the guitar with some Tabs that I got, and yeah - it was all good... that is, untill I tried to put some of the words I've written to a melody - and guess what??? I SUCK at melody's... (well, I suck at trying to write chords, and then put something over it... I think I would be ok with a melody... oh I'm rambling) no - I SUCK at writing music.

I had a CRAZY night on Sat... lots of dancing and bumping and grinding... and I think I almost kissed Aniko - or she almost kissed me or something... anyway - dan was shat. I did kiss Matt, and he had his hand down my top at one stage... which was lots of fun of course - but there was this mix-up with another guy, and Jane thinking I was totally into him, when I was just having a conversation with him... etc etc and she got all 'high school' and went and talked to him and stuff... very embarrasing. I'm not looking forward to seeing him at the next party, cos he's going to think I'm a freak now - and it's not even my fault. blah.

STILL haven't rectified the housemate situation. We've now promised ourselves that it will 'definitely be tonight' for like, 4 nights running, but then we chicken out, or he's not home... or whatever. The girls are really excited about our potential housemate (as am I of course) so we've gotta get things rolling!!!!!!!!! We're also looking forward to having a housewarming, finally, after all this time, so as soon as things are worked out - I can start planning (and of course, I'll let y'all know!)

Had a couple of good nights with this new potential housemate (oh, fuck it - TOM) last week - drinking and the like. Went to the Pinnacle and met up with some other friends of mine, and dragged him and Wilz along. We did some 'pre-housemate bonding'. got far too drunk and late for a 'school night' - but I GOT ASKED FOR MY PHONE NUMBER! (and I got theirs) hehehehehe for the first time ever. Yes, I'm truely hot stuff at the moment (so it's hardly surprising of course) but yeah.. I'm all very excited about it. He was cute and funky, and funny... I wouldn't say I'm in love, I wouldn't even say I've got a crush... but..... it's all fun and games right? I txted him yesterday - and still no reply - so, it's probably not going to happen... but I'm not crushed, and I'm still very excited that the first bit happened at all!

I do have a crush though - which is always fun. It's not someone that anyone out there in blog-land is going to know, but I'm going to keep it my dirty little secret for the time being... tee hee. Of course, they have a girlfriend and are totally unavailable.. but then EVERY guy I like at the moment has a girlfriend... so there you go. What is it with that? All the ones I pick are either gay or have girlfriends???? Typical hey?

this is such a jumble of a post... I'm just rambling. i'm not happy with the last entry either - what a waste of a 100th-post occasion... ah well.

I better get back to my pieces that are currently sitting in the acid bath....

HA

2006-02-17T09:52:00.000+11:00

my workmate (god love her) just said the funniest thing to me:

"isn't Belgrave near the beach?"

tee hee

yeah... that's why we've all got such great tans...

HAPPY 100th BLOG!

2006-02-14T16:55:00.000+11:00

yes, that's right sports-fans... this is the 100th angsty post... how exciting.

I'm still working on my answers to the more recent tagging, it's hard to do it cos I STILL don't have a phone line at home, and thus - no internet. Which, is, getting... harder... to bear....

As soon as that all gets up and running though, I will no longer have to sneak on for 30 secs at a time at work, and will be able to concentrate on a suitable reply...

Don't have TOO much to add to recent events.... still havn't gotten rid of the stupid american... unfortunatley. We're going to have to do something about that REALLY soon... My housemates met our new potential housemate last night - and they loved him... so we're really going to have to get on-top of all that stuff..... cos... yeah

I better get back to it... (I'm really into '...' at the moment it seems...)

...

a quickie

2006-02-09T13:51:00.000+11:00

just a quickie - I'm sneaking on at work

not having the internet is KILLING ME.... stupid phone people.

hopefully that will sort itself out by tonight though.

what WON'T sort itself out though, is that we've just got a new housemate, and he's not working out... and we're wondering if a) we can, and b) we have the guts to, kick him out after a week. He's just not fitting in, and not only that but he hasn't given us money yet... not any money... so we're pretty fucked off. He's lived with us for a week for free now, and said something about not having the funds, but he's willing to work for it (he's done some gardening - which we didn't ask him to, nor did we discuss that that was an acceptable substitute for paying rent...)

I'm not good at confrontations, but this isn't working.

He's AMERICAN. I should have known, shouldn't I?
(ooooh, she's being racist now...)

hum

2006-02-06T14:43:00.000+11:00

I got home from holidays to find our phone has been disconected - erroniously. They didn't send us a bill, and within a month they cut us off - seems a bit fast to me, but they're all fuck-heads, so it doesn't really surprise me.

I'm at mums. Typing this. I can't update at home - obviously because of the phone line being non-existant.

Alot has happened while I was away, I got home to find. Alot of Dan shit (where will it end?) I can't be bothered talking/writing about it now, and the problem is, for half of it, I've been sworn to secrecy anyway, so there's no way for me to get if off my chest anyway. So Ill sit and brood some more....

But Mum's is good, as always, if a tad overbearring. I know she means well. :)

k

I'll leave it at that.

At least I POSTED SOMETHING

going home

2006-01-31T09:24:00.000+11:00

ok, back in singapore now, wasting time on the internet, waiting for our next flight which is in about 3 or 4 hours (I think it may have been delayed a touch?). The holiday is over... it's sad, but I'm glad to be going home as well.... back to normal toilets, and an absense of truely gross people.
I've had SO much fun though - it's been an absolute blast. It's been hard to write on here properly, and I've missed alot of the good stuff, but I've kept a diary so I'll fill you in on the details (I"ll try not to publish a novel on here....)
but my time's almost up, so this is all I can type.

there better be lots of hugs waiting for me when I get back.

:)

THE CRUISE FROM HELL

2006-01-21T23:01:00.000+11:00

AH the last couple of days have been pretty SHITE actually - but it's all good now. We're finally back on track, this is what happened:

Origional plans were to travel by tain from Xi'an to Chengdu (where we are now) and do a heap of stuff around here for a week, but when we talked to the nice guy running the hostel we were staying at, he sugested we go on this 'cruise' down the Yangze river instead (I don't think I spelled that right) because, I don't know if you know, but it's all going to be destroyed by 2009, because China are building the biggest damn in the world (and destroying the 3rd largest river in the world in the process, and uprooting 1000's of peopel - entire towns....). He convinced us to go 1st class, which cost more, but he said it would be the experience of a life time... and boy was it.

first we had to take a 16 or so hour train ride (what it would have taken to get to Chengdu in the first place) to Yicheng (the ride wasn't so bad - we managed to score some 'soft sleep' tickets, which were pretty comfortable, and I managed to make a friend on the way, who sat in our compartment and talked with us all night!!!! I'm going to send him an email tonight... he was very cute - but I think he's gay... so when I say 'cute', i mean 'squoochy-woochy cute, not 'hot'), and from there we were supposed to get on the boat. But when we got there, the people who were picking us up from the station said because our train was late we'd missed the boat, and that it would be waiting for us at anohter town, even though we got in at like 9am, and we were told the boat wasn't leaving till at least 4pm or later. But they drove us to the next town, and told us to go wait in the building/harbour whatever it was. They promised us it would be comfy and warm in there, and left us, but it was cold and uncomfortable, and the boat ended up being 2hrs late.... Now, alarm bells started ringing in my head as soon as we walked into the place, becuase it was full of what seemed to be migrant workers who were waiting with us. At the risk of sounding completely bourgeois (that's not how you spell that either) we weren't looking forward to spending a boat ride with this lot - all they did was stare at us.. and I mean STARE in a very peculiar way.... All of a sudden our '1st class cruise' - which I forgot to mention we payed alot of money for - was starting to look less cruisey.

so the boat came, and we all cramed on fast - with little heads sticking out the windows oggling us again. It was very disconcerting. And we soooon realised that this wasn't a cruise ship at all, but a workers transport ship..... we got to our rooms and there were people sleeping on the floor at the end of hall - the hall stank of stale urine, and the rooms smelled even worse of it. The air was thick with the stench. The 'bathrooms' were only one of the hole-in-the-floor toilets (that I'm becoming very used to here) that was stained a splotchy brown, and the 'showers' that we were promised were right above said holes, and ther ewas no hot water. The carpets are beyond description. They weren't just stained - they were encrussed with god knows what, and we were afraid to put bare feet on it. The linen was stained as well..... I slept in all my clothes.

THEN after finally trying to (unsuccesfuly) air out our rooms, we finally got down to sleep - oh, this was after calling the guy who set all this up for us and compaining. He is actually quite a nice guy, and he ended up getting us an offer for 4000 yuan refund - a little over 2/3s... we siad we'd sleep on the offer. I locked the door, but we forgot to lock the window - I didn't think there would be any problem - there was no deck outside, we were on the 4th floor of the boat...
At about 2am (I checked my phone) someone tried to open our door - it was just me and Carl (a guy we're traveling with)... and he was really deeply asleep, so he didn't notice. But this person outside kept trying to get in, and I could hear scrabbling that I thought was someone trying to jimmy the lock - and I checked in the morning and the wood on the door was all chipped and scraped. they kept going away and coming back, and I could see shadows of feet under our door. I was pretty scared - obviously they were tying to comein to rob us - but becuase they kept leaving and coming back I didn't know if I should do anyting about it (like wake carl) becuase I didn't know if it was necessary. Finally, I coughed really loudly to let them know I was awake - and they finally left and didn't come back. So it tooke me agest ot get to sleep again, cos I kept hearing noises that I got paranoid about... but finally I did.
But then at about 4, 4.30am I woke up again, in time to see our window open, Carls backpack on the ledge under the window (not where it was supposed to be) and I sat up to see someone climbing up outside our window to the ledge above. I grabbed the bag and my phone which was sitting there as well, and lay back down, and it took me ages to summon enough courage to sit back up and close the window. It was pretty scary - but nothing was taken in the end. I was sleeping with my money belt on anyway - and I'm glad I did.

We talked to the staff in the morning, andn they said the couldn't do anything about it, but they must have told some police who were on board, cos one came to talk to me (and cindy, of course - i can't speak the language!) and we told himw hat happened. He said he would sleep on our level that night to keep an extra eye out - and we made sure we locked the window, and we made an elaborate trap at the door to let us now if anyone was trying to get in.... so I slept a little better last night, but i also slept with my money belt on, my camera bag around my legs and my wallet and phone in my pockets.
The boat ride was terrible - all the 'sights' that we were supposed to see we passed at night time so we COULDN'T see... and we were only on there for 2 nights and 1 day (it was supposed to be 2 and 2) but in the end we were SO GLAD to get off the 'hell boat' as we call it now, that we didn't mind. But then we had to travel 5 hrs on a bus to get here to Chengdu today, so we're finally abck on track, but now we're going to miss out doing things here, because we wasted time. We did however, ring back the dude who was organising things and told him everytghing that happend... and we ended up getting a full refund, so that was better... still not great... but.... at least we're all ok and now washed and happy. (I didn't change my clothes for 4 days - ew).

so it's happy again now. We're travelling to see the 'great budda' tomorrow, and from there we're going to visit a little town, almost on the boarder of tibet, so it's basically a little tibetan town, and stay there for a night or two. Then we're coming back here for a couple of days, then going to Baotou to see Cindy's family.

The hostel that we're at at the moment is really cute and I love it here - I wish we had more time to spend here... As we walked up there were all these people singing along to a piano accordian at a cafe out the front, and there's a dog and it's just all round really cute here. I've taken photos.

I'm still going to try and post some as soon as I can get that worked out...

Xi'an

2006-01-18T00:45:00.001+11:00

SO

I feel the need to tell you about my experience of the Great Wall, which happened about a week ago, but it's been too hard to try and get to a computer from then till now...
IT WAS BLOODY FANTASTIC!
We didn't go to the main toursit spot, but another place that Ben and Cindy went to before. It's closed off to the public becuase they're supposed to be doing renovations, but it's pretty much deserted there now, except for some people who run a gift shop and a restaurant there, who were happy to let us sneek in. Now, saying 'sneek in' conjures up images of us just walking through a hidden door and just having a look around, but what really happend was this:
Fist we had to walk along a damn wall, on one side of which was a thinly frozen iced lake, and on the other side was a not frozen lake which was 10m drop down. Then we climbed in through a window of one of the towers, and then had to scale a mountain. I'm tempted to say 'scale a rocky cliff face' but that's a tad dramatic... but it was more than than just walking up - like, there was literally me trying to find hand and foot holes and CLIMBING up... It was actually really scary, and I wasn't looking forward to getting myself back down... Jess was skitsing a little bit, and I think that was the only reason that I didn't... Then we had to scale the steps to the next tower, and they weren't just steps. This bit was almost as bad as the little cliff/mountain bit - they were mostly broken, and quite thin, and VERY steep. OH - and did I mention that all of this was done while THERE WAS SNOW EVERYWHERE????? yes.... this was no ordinary walk in the park ladies and gentlemen...
After that it was much better, and after a bit more exploration, we found a MUCH better way to get down. (actually, we were pretty stupid for going the way we did, it was unnecesarily dangerous... I think the ladies at the bottom of the hill must have thought we were idiots) It was on eof the most beautiful views ever.. and I was just so proud of myself that I got up there... this is not something that I typically do... there were a bit more hard bits that required a bit of coaching from my part to help Jess and Cindy get up bits (apparently, when it comes down to it, I'm actually quite the little rock climber), and a little bit of 'ass-toboganing' which was fun... and of course, I bought the t-shirt that says 'I climbed the great wall' cos, boy - did i ever!

unfortunately that night I got really bad food poisoning or something... vomiting and general nastiness from the bottom end... basically cleared my system out completely... and I didn't feel to good for a while after that...

but
We've now gotten to Xi'an, which is south of Beijing (and I'm feeling perfect) - and is where the Terricotta Warriors are... Been here two nights now, all of which have been pretty bad sleeps... Unfortunately we're now stuck in the same room with a dude (I'm talking about Ben here) who has sleep apnia (or however you spell it). It's fairly violent, and it's bloody noisy.... but I think I'm slowly getting used to it (and the chewing gum in the ears helps - seriously... apparently the Chinese don't know what ear plugs are... or they know but they refuse to use them...)

Our plane got cancelled on Friday night, which is when we were supposed to leave origionally, so we actually had to sleep at the airport in a little hotel all together. 6 of us in the one room, with two single beds and no extra blankets.... it actually wasn't soooo bad.... another story for my travel journal...

BUT: here in Xi'an: We've now gone to the City Wall, the Hot Springs, SomeDude's Tomb, the Terricotter Warriors, the Temple of the Eight Immortals, the Big Goose Pagoda, and the Tang Dynasty Music and Dance Show. All in two days. It hink that's fairly impressive actually...

The City Wall was cool. We were just wandering around and came upon this huge wall, and a ticket booth, and a really scary looking ladder that I first thought were stairs, but no - turned out to be a rickety ladder... and I couldn't make myself climb it... but after some to-ing and fro-ing we finally found a place I could get up, and get up I did. Yes, I know, mere days eariler I was scaling the Great Wall, but a little ladder stopped me in my tracks. ah well. Once we were up there it was nice to look around - it goes around the whole city (duh: hence 'city wall'). We found out that you could hire bikes, so hire bikes we did - and embarked upon the 14km ride!!!!!!! (this is massive for me, I havn't ridden a bike for 8 years or more) (oh, and I'm grossly unfit) It really became more about the bike and less about the wall, but it was still fun. I was proud of myself for making it all the way - and not being the only one complaining of their legs dying. Actually, it was my ass more than anything else - which, after that, the great wall, the fact that we're staying ont he 5th floor of the hotel here, and there's no elevator, and all the other steps and things we've climbed here - should be looking pretty fine once I get back home!!!!!!!!!!!!

The hot Springs were beautiful - and hot. You can still bathe there, and get massages and the like, as well as look around allt he historical buildings and stuff.... but we didn't have time for that. The Tomb of the such-and-such emperor (the dude who commissioned the warriors) was a bit of a let down... there was a massive hill, whith a massive staircase that we walked up, but when we got to the top it was actually about the view, where-as we thought we were going to see a tomb (not that a tomb would necessarily be that exciting... but.... you know... my ass was sore again....) The warriors were cool too - although, after the second big, massive, gargantuan room full of them, they tend to look the same (but, as my mum said: imagine how the sculpors must have felt... hyuck hyuck)

The temple of the eight immortals was great today as well. I'm finding the temples really really interesting. There's such a sense of peace there... I could stroll around for hours and smell the thick insence and listen to the soft chanting in the background..... ah..... soothing. The Big Goose Pagoda was just yet another massive tower that we had to climb (like I said: ass = fantastic), that was all about the view. And maybe for the sense of satisfaction - or something to do with inner enlightenment... it's a Buddist thing... I don't think I get it.
the show tonight... well... it was..... nice.... lets just say that.

I could probably type for ages.... (already have) so I think I'll just stop there. So much to tell, so little time....

ah- living the life of an adventurous traveller.... hehehehe it's so cool!
(and all the guys think I'm hot - I got told I look like a doll, a BARBIE doll this morning - by the hotel owner - a little guy called Jim Beam... seriously that's his name)

oh, and I think I've forgotten to say before now - but for some odd reason, I can update my posts, but I can't look ant anyone's blog, including my own - so I can't reply to any of the comments, nor keep myself abreast of what's going on with everyone else. Hope all is well!

still.... in..... china.....

2006-01-07T15:49:00.000+11:00

knowing that it only cost me about 3 yuan last time (approximately 60 cents or so) to write blogs and emails and stuff, makes it slightly addictive!!!!

but: to business...
I promised to write about THE BEST NEW YEAR KNOWN TO MANKIND... or something to that affect didn't I?

WELL!!!!

Jess, Gareth (her boyfriend we're traveling with), Cindy, Ben (Her boyfriend who happens to be Gareth's brother), Carl (an aussie guy from Brissie who is teaching english here with Ben) and Clancy (yes, that's his name, and he happens to be American, and very annoying - also teaching english here) and me all got an illegal taxi into the city - sitting in the back of a very dirty, rickety old van... gareth bouncing around on the floor.... and met up with a friend of Cindy's in the 'embassy district' which is, you guessed it, a big place for foreigners. We all went to dinner at a 'fast food' restaurant, which really, was only slightly faster than everywhere else we'd been so far! Started drinking beers - you can get a long neck in a place like that for about 4 yuan - and we were off to a good start. 'Mary' - the dude we'd met up with, took us then to a little bar around the corner - which was really really cool. There was much debate about where to go, cos most of the places around there had pretty expensive cover charges and all that cos it was New Years, but where we ended up didn't, and it was especially cool to boot. I convinced everyone to get a round of Ansinth, and that started a trent for everyone to buy a round of drinks for everyone else - we took turns, and that worked out well. 8 Absinthe's only cost about 200 yuan, which is what... $40 or something? THen there was tequila, then beer then I had gin and tonics... and we started playing some drinking games and it was all good. But we were on some couches up the top of this place that had actually been booked by other people, and when they came, we had to leave. The rest of the place was packed, so we had to find somewhere else.
After wandering around the streets for a while, trying to find somewhere suitable, we eventually found a restaurant that had turned itself into a bar for the evening, that wasn't as 'cool' but was still nice. They were playing some western music, so even though it was like '50 cent' and all that... I could at least sing along and all.... hehehehe
Then a friend of Mary's came and met up with us - Peter - and we started playing the EVIL DRINKING GAME, which shall go down in history for ever as the MOST EVIL of DRINKING GAMES... basically you have this small dish and two dice - and you go around the circle and take turns in rolling. If you roll a 7, you have to fill a glass halfway with beer, if you roll an 8 you have to skull half of whatever's in the glass, if you roll a 9 you have to skull a full glass. If you roll doubles, you can choose someone else to skull a full glass. If one or both of the die roll out of the dish, you have to skull a full glass. AND, what makes it particularly evil, is that you have to keep rolling untill you get a number that's not one of those... meaning to say, you can (and I did) have to skull 3 or 4 glasses of beer, if you're unlucky enough, before it passes along to the next person. I lernt to be very afraid of the die after that night. And beer.
But it was alot alot alot of fun.
Upstairs was another little room, and the toilets, so while I was waiting for the toilet, I just started being silly with some of the people up there (dancing and stuff) and it turned out that they were all americans (quite nice ones) and that one of them was called ALIA - no shit! I've never met someone with my name before, and she spelt it the same way and everything. We ended up laughing and hugging alot and getting very excited - and she invited me to come drink champagne with her, but after I went to the loo I ended up just going back downstairs... but it was still very funny. They left soon after that, so I didn't get a chance to take everyone up there to join forces.
Then on another trip up there - I was waiting again, and Peter came out and went to go back down, but I grabbed his head with the intention of giving him a kiss on the cheek, just to be funny... but he ended up pashing me.... PASHING!!!! hehehehehe we spent the next, I don't even know how long, up there making out and doing all sorts of interesting thigns. I think I flashed my boobs to more than one person who came up those steps.... I think it's fairly safe to say that fuckapalooza has finally been started and kicked off in grand style. He wanted to take me back to his house, but I was too scared- being in a strange city that I couldn't even speak the language of and all... and not being able to get hom or anything. Also - from all our little things that we did... I found that he was..... well....... let's say...... very very very little................. which wasn't that big of a turn on. But it was still heaps and heaps of fun - and he seemed quite interested... he kept asking cindy about me apparently, and he took my phone no. and email address - but later another friend of theirs rang Cindy and said apparently I'd given him the wrong one or something.... they thought I'd done it on purpose- but I'd just been really really trashed, so I dont' know what I was doing. Turns out it's for the best though, cos I'm certainly not interested in anyting, and it turns out he's got a girlfriend or something anyway. Which is more than a little bit wrong... apparently they're 'on a break' or some bullshit. I mean - I dn't really care, in fact, it makes it easier to say 'no thank you' but... still.... blah.
But it was all SO much fun!
We ende up squeezing 5 of us into a normal taxi, with Gareth lying across our legs in the back... poor thing. I just sat there and tried not to be sick. Jess was as soon as we fell out of the taxi, and I think Cindy might have been at soem point too. What was scary was that for the whole time I was upstairs with Pete, they'd continued to play the drinkign game!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, I was fucked as it was... and they kept going!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and had thrown popcorn everywhere, and lit bastkets on fire and all that kind of stuf... crazy...)

But yeah - fun fun fun fun.... hehehehehhehehehe fuckapalooza baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hehehehehe

now, I can't be bothered writing about everything else that's happened, but I'll give you the highlights from an email that I just wrote mum:

I am VERY happy! Everything is so much fun here! Yesterday we just went to the supermarket, and I enjoyed that just as much as when we went to one of the touristy places and took photos. Everything's so different - like, this supermarket we went to was over 3 levels high, and all the products were so different! We managed to get a small jar of Dolmio sauce (Jess and Gareth want to make spaghettie) but it was hard to find ordinary pasta. And forget about tinned tomatoes - they don't exist here. The supermarket also had a small section of clothes and bags... and there's ready to eat food stalls and everything. It's crazy! there are also soooo many staff it's not funny - they're everywhere just standing around. You can barely look at anything without having one hang over your shoulder... and the cadbury chocolate bars had magnetic security strips in them... I guess they're an expensive item or something. Most of what we bought from the supermarket was junk - because no one really cooks for themselves in the city. When we go to Cindy's parent's place apparently we'll get plenty of home-cooked meals, but around here, everyone just goes out to the restaurants... and that means FATTY FOOD as well - I think I can forget about loosing weight here... everythings dripping in oil - even just a plate of bok choy and mushrooms... cos it's all about TASTE, of which there is alot... :) Everything has cucumber in it too, which is odd.. but tasty too. I don't think i'd ever had cooked cucumber before I came here, but it's in almost every dish...

I realy really miss my music though - I wish I could have brought my ipod with me after all... I'm going to start going crazy if I don't have something I can have a good sing-along to... after this, I'm going to go to one of the dvd/cd shops around here and try and buy a couple of things... for around 10 yuan (or $2) you can't really go wrong....

Last night was heaps of fun as well - we went to a Public Bath-house, which was awesome. Well... it's a bath house, but also a brothel, or so I'm told - we didn't go for the 'special massage' of course, but we did get to have a nice long shower (which, after the system here at Bed and Cindy's was such a luxury) and sit in the sauna and get a body scrub.... ALL COMPLETELY NAKED - which was very confronting. Actually, we al found that it was more the act of getting naked infront of each other (just the girls by the way, there were seperate places for the girls and boys) than actually just being naked... does that make sense? I mean, once we were and having showers and all that, it was fine... but it was just the taking off of clothes that was hard. But then we got to put on silk pyjamas and we went up to this big room that was full of Chez Lounges (or however you spell it - ROman Sofas?) in which the boys were already reclining like Roman Emperors, smoking cigarets and drinknig beer... it was very funny. We then got foot massages that lasted for 45 minutes while lying there together, and then there was a show that we whatched, and a free buffet (the buffet's quality was questionable.. but it didn't matter). The show was strange to whatch, partly cos there was a whole comedy section that we didn't understand - cos of course it was in CHINESE.. and there was a guy who was doing a show that involved stabbing himself through the arm with a needle and haning a bucket of water from it.... breathing fire through sawdust packed in his mouth.... and SWALLOWING A LIVE SNAKE AND THEN BRINGING IT BACK UP...... it was GROOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSEEEEEEE and a little disturbing. but, 'that's entertainment' I guess....
Then we all got a full body massage - done of course by the ladies of the house, which I'm told are the prostitutes. I managed to score a nice looking boy who turned out to only be 20 years old... Cindy kept telling me that she thought he was interested in me... but if he was 'for hire' as well... of course he's going to flirt. It was very funny though - they kept trying to talk in very very broken english to us.. and asking us questions. One question he asked me was 'how many kilo's are you?'.... ouch. I think he was just being cheeky.... but still.... ouch.

we're going back there before we leave, cos it was so relaxing and nice. I felt so amazingly decadent and everythign.... that was the life, I'll tell yoU!!!!

My market experiences have been crazy and wild, but the boys just don't have enough stamina to keep up with me/us... so I havn't really bought much stuff yet... I think they're going to have to drop us off one day (or at least drop ME off) and let me do a days worth at one place. I am looking forward to going to Chengdu though, cos there's a large Tibetan culture there, and I'm looking forward to being able to shop there too!!!!!!!!!!
oh, one market we went to I saw the MOST AMAZINNGLY beautiful coat - and after talking to them, they said they could custom tailor one for me... and that I could have it in a week. It was going to end up costing only like $150AU (expensive for around here... but not for a really good coat from where I come from!) and it was all good and I payed a deposit and everything, but then Cindy got a call and they said that all the workers have gone home for Chinese New Year, so it won't be done for ages. (they would have known that int h first place, which annoys me) but I think what I'm going to do is get it done anyway, then later, Cindy can post it to me... I think it's worth it!
________________

there.

I'll leave it at that for the moment.
Update again soon....

1st week in China

2006-01-04T19:29:00.000+11:00

so to start... lets just preface everything with the fact that its fucking cold here... most of the time... but indoors it's hot so you can imagine that the body get's a tad confused.... which makes people sick - I've so far been ok, but it's hit all my traveling companions... (touch wood)

NOW!

arrived in China 7 days ago (6?) (I find it hard to count properly - I blame the cold again)
Cindy was waiting for us at the airport and we got in a taxi and went back to her and Ben's house. It was so nice to see her again after all this time (mind you, it's only been like 6 months or so, but still....). Their apartment is TINY... I'll post pics as soon as I can figure out how. You MAY have to wait till I get home....
then the next day we went to Tienamen Square and had a look around, and Mao's Mausolium... standard tourist sites that I have to admit I found a tad bland... I don't know what I was expecting - but..... yeah.....
that afternoon though we went to our first market - which was CRAZY. I tell you, shopping here is quite an experience. Everyone yells at you to come have a look at their stuff - and it's no good expressing interest in ANYTHING unless you have a definite intent to buy it cos the people start haggling with you and shoving it into your hands and grabbing your arm and yelling at you as you walk off down the street. I'm getting a little bit better with the haggling... but I'm still a little scared of it all. Basically, it's best just to pick a low price and stick with it. If it really is a fair price 7 times out of 10 they'll call after you as you walk away and say ok. Like I bought a wallet for 20y, after they offered it to me for 160y... these are the kind of mark ups that you're dealing with... :) or, my friend Jess was buying a fake louis viton bad and some other fake wallet and they were asking for 1600y for them both... she ended up paying 200y, which Cindy said was even pretty pricey really for what they were...

1 yuan basically equalls about 20 cents or so.... so sometimes I feel petty haggling over the difference of like $1 or whatever... but sometimes it's just the principal of the thing - cos they all want to get as much out of the foreigners as they can.

Cindy is just AMAZING to have around... I don't know what we'd be doing if not for her - I just wouldn't know what to do... or where to go... or what to say - or things like how much things should cost and all of that... Jess Gareth and I went into the city for the first time without her yesterday, and we did ok - but then when we wanted to come home we were too tired to deal with the pub trans (3 different trains and a bus) and wanted to get a taxi - so we had to call cindy and handed the phone over to the taxi driver so he'd know where we wanted to go.
I felt kinda sorry for her - cos she wasn't feeling great for a while, but I think she felt like she had to come out and stuff just for us.... I wish I knew a bit more of the language just to spare her the effort some times. It must be hard when you have to order food for a whole table cos they can't read the menu. :)

We went one day to this Taoist temple, which was fascinating and beautiful. I can't wait to share photos of that too. I could have spent ages and ages just wandering around and looking and taking photos.... it was just amazing. It was funny too - as it had all these 'departments' that you could go and worship at, or make wishes or whatever. Some of them were quite funny, like, there was the 'Department of The Hell', 'Department of 15 kinds of Horrible Death', 'Department of the Animals', 'Department of Justafyable Wealth'... I bought a wish, but I didn't make it when I was there, I'm going to bring it home. I figure I can make it when I get home (oh, they're these red talisments that you write your name on the back of and hang in the appropriate place)...

We also explored the Hutongs - which are these little old alleyways in amongst Beijing City... we got on these bike/cab things - basically a little carriage for two people to sit on while a guy pedals the bike in front - and they took us around to look down all these different little streets. It was amazingly beautiful. And odd. I felt stragne - cos I was witnessing such extreme poverty in some places - cos while some of the houses were abandoned, some of them were still being used, and everything was so old and run down.... it should have been sad. But I couldn't stop myself from just thinking about how much character everthing had, and the history to it all, and how long it had been there, and how just plainly beautiful it all was. I felt like a spoiled, superficial westener..... but I guess who am I to judge how people should live their lives? And if they're happy, which most of them seemed to be.... why shouldn't I think of that as beautiful? Or is that just another lame justification.... ??

We went to the Forbidden City yesterday - which was... 'nice'.. It was such a touristy place - even though it was freezign yesterday, there were still hundreds of people there... We got an audio-tour thing which you can listen to as you walk around... which was really good and interesting, and I think without that it would have been much worse. I don't think it was as beautiful as some of the otehr places we've been so far - it was huge and magestic, and I did have fun imagining it filled with people from 500 or more years ago and what it would have looked like and all that, but after a while all my photos started looking the same... The gardens out the back was my favourite... but by then they wanted to clsoe and we didn't get as much time out there as I would have liked.

I just can't wait to get some photos up here!!!!! I want to share the china-love!!!

I'm going to have to go soon - but remind me to tell you all about my AMAZINGLY COOL WONDERFUL BEST NEW YEARS EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER!!!! and share with you the EVIL evil evil drinking game we learnt that night!!!!! or, I'll remind me.... or whatever...

next time I'll bring my diary so I remember more stuff....

keep warm for me!!!

singaporean knock knock joke

2005-12-29T08:39:00.000+11:00

KNOCK KNOCK?
who's there?
ALIA IN SINGAPORE!!!!!!!!

no - I know it's not actually funny... but how cool is this????
RIGHT NOW - I'm standing in the Singaporean Airport... (there's free internet... god bless 'em)
I really don't have anything to add to that - just SHIT YEAH BABY I'M IN A COUNTRY OTHER THAN AUSTRALIA!!!!!!!!!!!

haha

ok

I'll keep everyone updated....

OH YEAH

the past week: a summary

2005-12-21T23:04:00.002+11:00

work drinks
kids show
exstasy
dancing
drinking
boobs
kissing
more kissing
more dancing
I-have-great-boobs
8.am return to bed
alone
sex with ex
1 hour
empress
folk
popular
boys
home-alone
much needed sleep
news
there-will-never-be-sex-with-ex-again
jb hi-fi
christmas party
more drinking
tears
jealousy
taxi
sickness-tonsils
sleep
work
home early
sleep
dan
tears
mucus
drowning in mucus
more mucus
orange juice
vitamin C
no work
hanging with dan
depressing
phone call
confrontations
more tears
more jealousy
feeling small and petty
more and more tears
it's finally over

now:
feeling a tad better
stressed about christmas and china
but happy
no
numb
but ok

still tresuring my wonderful weekend....

my life is so cool

2005-12-14T17:04:00.000+11:00

tonight I'm going to see a movie and each chocolate with my ex, to console him cos he asked a girl out and she didn't say "yes" (technically, she didn't say "no" - she's 'not in the right place at the moment' - I think she's just had a nasty break up too - and her gran died, and her cat got run over... seriously)... how much does that rock? (not)

I owe him tho, big time, so I'm gonna suck it up, put my happy face on and not yell at him: "why should I care? This hurts too much!"
suck. it. up.

I also get to see the movie that he wanted to see with her. Yay for me again - sloppy seconds...
well... I did actually really want to see this movie - and I was hurt when Dan asked me about it, then said 'yeah, I want to take ____' cos Dan's my movie buddy - none of my other friends really seem that interested (or not as interested as me anyways).

I'm trying to be a big person, and not let it affect me. And 50% of the time it doesn't, but the other 50% there's this little tiny little pairing knife that's twisting in my side...
I mean, this was all really kinda my decision, so I need to get over it really...

still....

more tears

2005-12-13T00:09:00.000+11:00

I want to tell you
to come back
that I love you
that I always will
but I know that's selfish
I want you to be mine
always mine
but the fact is that you're not anymore

how many times must
I say goodbye
for it to finally be over?
my selfish heart won't let
you leave me
so you'd better keep walking now
before I hurt you again
------------------------

I found this card that I got from Matt during Penny just now - it's one thing that's helping keep me together right now:
"Dear Alia,
You are wise beyond your years. I meant everything I said to you at Bar Open! You are beautiful, it's such a joy to have brains around I can count on. Yours is truely one. Love Matt"

it's small... but I'm going to keep it for a long time...
it means alot to me right now

surprise outings can be the bestest

2005-12-10T11:56:00.000+11:00

I shoulda knowd that when Jane said "we'll only go for one drink" that it really meant '10'.
I shoulda knowd that when Jane said she'll bring me my bond money, it really meant "I'll bring you ready cash that's easy to spend, and you'll wake up in the morning with no real clue of how the little stash got whittled down so fast".
I shoulda, but for some reason I didna.

twas very fun however. Havn't really hung out with Jane like that in ages. Before she moved in with me and Dan, we used to have what I liked to afectionally call 'Monday's with Jane' - which just meant that a few mondays in a row we went and drank at random pubs - fun times.

I wish I had a point, but I don't....
sorry...

so now I have no money again, and I'm working a Saturday again (as in, like, right now) and I'm also working Monday as well - so no real weekend for poor lil' Ekstasis... sniffle... hopefully the pay check will be nice at the end of next week tho - that is, unless the stupid tax man eats it all up. Seriously, last week when I worked sat, I got a little bit more, but the money I earned on Sat was roughly the same as the amount of tax I paid. It sux. Totally sux. And I KNOW that it's a part of life, and I KNOW everyone else has the EXACT same thing happen to them - but fuck you all, I'm still going to complain... cos it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to (cry if I want to, CRYyyy if I want tooooo)

I'm going to stop the rambling dither now.

bye

40 things you would love to say at work:

2005-12-08T13:53:00.000+11:00

(forwarded to me by Robotoblog)

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a shit.
14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over you mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f..k.ng people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it, like humour, but different.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you really marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is finally done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
40. Wait a minute --- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality!
------------------------------

HAHAHA "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?" tee hee heeeee

never thought it would come to this...

2005-12-05T16:40:00.000+11:00

My addiction to my blog has reached new heights. I've resorted to coming here to an internet cafe, because my burning desire to see which of you lovelies have updated (which, may I add, is NONE) that I felt the extreem need to come down here to this - admittedly extremely funky cafe/laundrymat/internet placey-doovey - lil' corner of Brunswick st to satisfy the cravings. I couldn't wait untill tomorrow to sneek on the internet at work... it had to be now. NOW. ....
....
....
stop looking at me like that....
I'm not a freak...

...
..
.

STOP IT
I don't need your pity I tell's ya!

I went down the road and bought a pair of runners today, so no more excuses for not going to the gym. yay. And... not so much yay. But I have to get fitter for China!!! hehehehe

soooooooo looking forward to it!
yayyayyayyay
anyways...
It was mum's bday yesterday, which went nicely. She really liked the earrings I made and the brooch I bought her - and added stuff to. So that's good. It was also another inspiration to start actually making stuff for selling, cos I really enjoyed making the earrings. Made me feel all warm, proud and fuzzy. Mind you, I've felt this before and it didn't exactly make me jump to my feet and get going on it all - but I'm going to try to tenderly cultivate this feeling and walk with it (as opposed to 'run' with it)
in fact, I may even go to my studio now, and start doing things.
That is, if I'm welcome there anymore.

all this stuff's happening at the old house, which is weird. I'm not sure how I feel about my old housemates anymore - they've been... 'odd'.... last couple of times I've been over there and seen them.
We have/had this roster on the fridge for bathroom cleaning duties and of course my name is still up there cos no one's bothered to make a new one, and just as a joke I wrote a little note - something like "haha I'm soo not cleaning your bathroom any more!" and apparently, so dan told me, someone wrote underneath that - "well, you've been visiting enough" or something like that... which is odd - cos I stayed there ONE night,a nd I didn't even have a shower or anything like that. I barely went out into the living space at all... so I'm slightly offended by that. THEN someone wrote under that "it's not like you or your ex ever did anyway". WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? 'you and your EX'? my EX just happens to be someone who still lives in that house, and somenoe who's name is still on that list... who's name is DAN, in case they'd forgotten.... sheesh.
So apparenlty Dan's written back this rather long note himself and gotten some stuff out in the open that he hasn't been happy about for a while.
But I'm kinda pissed off that these people who are suppose to be my friends are being so passive-agressive and that kind of stuff. Not to mention the fact that I actually still pay $40 a month there anywa (hire of the studio out the back) so if I want to come over, I damn well will!
grrrr

*again we see the angst seeping out*
*I better stop now before I drown in it*

It's a Saturday...

2005-12-03T09:23:00.000+11:00

hrm...

it's a Saturday morning, and I'm sitting here at work. That's right peoples: you heard me right. work on a saturday...
'oh boo hoo, you and me too buddy' I hear some of you say. well - to all you casual-staff-scum, I say nuts to you, cos I have a normal, everyday, 9-5 (actually 9-5.30) job... and it's boring and it's grey and it's sucking up my life and my soul - and I've had to come in an extra day today cos we're so busy and I'm so good and important that this place would just fall down if I weren't here to hold it up.
Yes, I know that I only work 4 days a week usually, having a three day weekend....
No, that's not the point, this still sucks nuts having to be here today
Yes, I'm going to be getting a much nicer, fatter paycheck next week, because I get particularly juicy rates for todays work
Yes, that means I can go buy the dress I put on layby at the Gown of Thorns
No, that's still not the point
the point? is that I didn't get to sleep in this morning.
:P

Tonight I'm going down to Belgrave cos it's Mum's birthday tomorrow, and her mum (my grandmother - or as I call her 'Oma') (her name's actually 'Joanna') (it's a Dutch thing, ok?) is taking us out for dinner tonight. I feel La Colina coming on. Yay. See my excited face? This is my excited face... no really....
actually, I do like hanging out with the two of them. I always feel something special in the fact that it's three generations of women all sitting together talking - and we all fucking rule. Oma is one of the coolest people I know, and she's constantly surprising me with how much cooler she gets every year. Oh, and the fact that she doesn't look a day over 60, and she's 75. I swear she not only gets cooler every year, but yonger. HAHA at least that's something I've got to look forward to - you may say '21? really? I thought you were 16!' now... but when I'm 75, I'll be LAUGHING muthufuckers!!!!! HAHAHAHA
ahem. Sorry. my body's not used to having coffee on a saturday morning... it wasn't prepared.

so yeah: dinner tonight. Then sleeping at mums, then giving her the jewellery I made her (hehe, by the time she's 75 she's going to have the biggest collection of jewellery anyone has ever seen) (that was a joke because her daughter is a jeweller, and can't think of anything better to give her on special occasions) (funny?) then coming back to my house, and probably having breakfast either in Belgrave or Fitzroy - cos mum can think of nothing more decadent than going out for breakfast.
Then going to a friends birthday BBQ - taking mum with me. I hope that it's cool that I invited her to someone else's bday celebration, but I really wanted to hang with mum AND do the BBQ, and that seemed like a good way to go about it. I'm kinda looking forward to said BBQ, as it sounds like there's going to be a whole lot of music going on and stuff.... jammin and the like. I'm going to have to bring my guitar (that I can't play) (but mum can) and try and join in. Maybe I can get an egg shaker or soemthing. A tambourine. Maybe I could be the tambourine girl.
Mel wants me to sing her something for her birthday, but unless I crack out the old 'Karma Police' by Radiohead AGAIN... I got nothing for her. And I think we've all heard me try that little ditty one too many times now...

THEN on monday I'm going to have to sort out my visa finally. I got my passport (or, well, it's waiting for me at the post office anyway - I'll get that on monday too) - which means I'm one step closer to the whole thing.
I bought the Lonely Planet Guide to China the other day: I'm getting very excited! There are all these photos, and I keep saying to myself "I'm going to be there! That photo: I'm going to see that for real!" and I still can't quite believe it.

anyway. I better go and do some work, you know, earn the money that I'm being paid to be here for.......

I was foolish to think I could not blog for a while, just cos my laptop's on the fritz. It's an addiction. Truely.

mucho pissed-off-oh

2005-12-01T16:46:00.000+11:00

the power pack for my laptop 'fizzled' last night, and now all it does when you plug it in is make soft clickey noises...
therefore, my entries are going to be brief and few it looks like, as we're EXTREMELY, excrutiatingly, mind-bogglingly busy at work at the moment.
In fact, I really shouldn't be doing this right now, I should be doing something else, and in fact the something else before/after that as well - all at the same time.
yay.
it's a pity I barely have the energy to move: stupid women's stuff.... I like getting it for like 10 seconds for the brief 'yay I'm not pregnant' thought, then it just fucks me off....
I really shouldn't blog when I'm tired and OVER IT and fuck fuck fuck whatever else... I just ramble...
mind you, I ramble most of the time anyway....

a;jasdflkjasdf;lkjasdf;lkjsad

whatever

fuck off

2005-11-29T23:13:00.000+11:00

message recieved 7.01pm
"r we going to see u at xmas. dad"

message recieved 7.o6pm
"r u still at da same house. dad"

my dad - still hanging out with those gangster-home-boys too much... I tries to tell 'im I do, but does he listen? nooooooo
'da same house' indeed....

parents: when will they ever learn?

dads: when will they ever just fuck off?

It's a Sunday...

2005-11-27T14:35:00.000+11:00

it's a sunday, and I have a 6 pack in the fridge, getting nicely chilly, without anyone to share it with - and I do find it sad to drink alone... so there it will stay, untill someone comes and helps me out...
*INSERT UNSUBTLE HINT HERE*

I'm not actually sure what I want to talk about... there are a few things running through my head, but I don't really feel like being angsty at the moment (surprise) so none of them seem worth talking about. My only tid-bit of news, that I'm sure no one else truely cares about, and it's not even that big a deal, is that it seems I've lost at least a tiny bit of weight.
hurrah.

I don't really weigh myself (far too depressing) but every now and then, I"ll try on an old piece of clothing that I don't wear much to see if it's gotten bigger or smaller (well... to see if I'VE gotten bigger or smaller). Today I tried on a little slip that I bought at savers a little while back, which I've never really worn cos it was always a tad small, and I can't seem to work out how to 'wear' it - as in, outfits and stuff... ANYHOO I tried it on, and it seems a tad bigger than the last time I did, which is very happy making. Very much indeed.

On other matters, for some reason I really feel like meat today... as in, eating it... which is really unusual, cos I'm not a big meat eater, and when I do, i usually like the unrecognisable stuff - such as sausages and the like. You know - the meat/cardboard variety... But today, all I can think about is a nice big fat juicy roast. So much so that I'm tempted to go down to Paedimonties and buy something and stick it in the oven, and actually try to do my own - which has never ever ever EVER happened EVER. I tried to eat noodles and tofu instead - it didn't squash the cravings...

huh

go figure

so, Matt's at work, Willow's gone for drinks in St Kilda (she invited me, but I don't know anyone she was going to meet - and I STILL find it far too hard to cross the yarra), other-Matt's not answering my txts, Jane's not answering my txts, Maara doesn't have a phone that I can txt, Liz is in Belgrave, which is actually the same amount of mental effort to get to as St Kilda in my book (but still too far), Jess always seems to tired/busy, Shona's not answring my txts, which pretty much leaves Dan - who wants to see a movie with me, but I feel like drinking and eating meat! Plus, I really feel like we should be giving each other a bit more space, which we were for a while, but I'm worried that we'll start getting caught up in each others lives, when now really is a big time to make sure we're seperating properly.
I guess it's a movie or a book for me.

woah - the angst just kinda creeps out on it's own doesn't it? shit me....

what is this strange feeling?

2005-11-25T16:35:00.000+11:00

it's Dan's birthday today. The first time in 3 years that he hasn't had someone to wake up to in the morning with big hugs. I feel guilty about this... like, I got hugs on MY birthday this year, and it doesn't seem fair that he didn't. Although, if you really count them back, we're probably even, considering when we actually got together. But, that's of no consequence.
He's got a gig tonight, which I'm hardly going to bother plugging, cos I know no one will turn up.... pffft. You (all of you) really do need to see them at some point though, but I can' t be bothered arguing the case 'for' at the moment. But I've gotten him pressies (well, one present, and then I'm going to try and find a cd on the way home for him too) and a little cup cake with a candle. I still have this overwhelming compulsion to make his birthday my responsibility - organising dinner with his brother... getting him a cake (however small)... I even considered taking the afternoon off work, so we could hang out... I had this idea that he wouldn't have anyone to share his day with, if not for me. Which, is not actually such an unreasonable thought - cos it has been largely that way for a while now.
Which is why, when I rang to finalise dinner plans, I felt really strange when I found out he was out with friends from the kids show he's doing, drinking. Dan never drinks - he's far too responsible usually... but it seems he's drinking today, as people were buying them for him - which has never happened before either. I felt wierd. A very very strange feeling. It was a little green around the edges, if you get what I mean. I felt somewhat weirder than when he told me that he had a crush on someone - because while that was quite an intense feeling, it was brief... whereas this one is lingering around, and making me feel not-so-nice. I think it's a mixture of things - one of them being that he's out with friends of mine (they're his friends too, obviously) but they're friends that I always feel very special if I see and hang out with (well, I feel special with all my friends, but these people have always been my 'cool crowd'... it's kinda pathetic really)... and two - he's not 'mine' any more. I mean, I knew that, but it's strange. I'm not what keeps his life together anymore... (I know this is small and pathetic, but I'm trying to explain it to myself so I can get over it).
and then there's this idea that people like him more now that I'm not with him. I mean, I know there are a couple of people who are going to be happy about it - but now he's being more included than he ever was before, and it's becuase i'm not there. I'm not saying neccessarily that it's because they don't like me, and then therefore want to associate with him more now I'm gone (although, yeah, there are a couple of people I could probably safely say that about) - but now they actually have to make the effort with him, because I'm not there to 'do it through' or whatever. I'm not covering him up, or standing in front of him anymore. This is good for him. I'm happy for him.
And yet, I can't shake this feeling.
maybe I need to get drunk so it goes away.
I think I also need some new friends.

my computer as a mirror

2005-11-23T12:31:00.000+11:00

the only reasons I don't play alot of computer games now is that a) my laptop is getting older and older and won't handle the things I want to play anymore, and b) I yell and scream at myself repeatedly to not do it - cos I get majorly addicted, and I loose what little life I create around me.
but when I do play - I like to play strategy type games (yes - 'girly' games) like Age of Empires, Pharoah and The Sims.

I've recently come to realise that my techniques playing these games say alot more about me as a person than I previously realised...
my main example for the moment is:
In the Sims (for those of you unaware) the real main goal of the game is to get a better career - cos with that comes more money, which brings nicer things etc etc. Oh how like life...
The way you do this is by getting promotions - reaching certain levels of attibutes in certain areas - depending on your career path.
Now, no matter which career path you take, the one thing that is the same for every thing is the amount of 'friends' you have. To really be happy - and succeed at work, you need to have certain amounts of 'family friends' - which are friends with points worth over 50 (out of 100) (I think, if I remember rightly). For every day that you don't see that friend, you go down a certain amount of points - which means that if you're not careful enough, you'll eventually loose any friendships that you have built.
Now, you have to balance the time you're at work, the time it takes your stupid little character to get around and feed itself, and the time to get friends to come over, or have parties.

I've never been fantastic at the Sims - I always get to a certain point, after which, I can't seem to progress any further - and you know why? It's the 'friends' factor... I seem unable to time manage properly to keep up the relationships that I create, so I guess my little dudes always end up lonely or some shit. The only way I'm able to kind of get past it, is to get one friend over - make them like me 100 points worth, and probably fall in love with them/have them fall in love with me - so that it will take longer for them to get under the 'friend' threshold. I then have to do this repeatedly - but while I'm making one friend reach 100, other friends will go down - so it's a tricky cycle. I'm just plain no good at it.

oh. how. like. life.

I can't for the life of me seem to let all my friends know that I actually really do care about them, and they're not always second best to me, and I want to be around them and that I love them dearly. I'm forever apologising to most people I know, for not being there, for not doing that or for always missing out on the important things.
It's so hard - my friends always seem to come in waves - there'll be weeks that I have nothing to do, that it's really hard to get anyone to do anything with me, that I get a little grumbly about having no one around to hang with... then there'll be other weeks where there's something to do every night of the week, and sometimes more than one thing, and i end up having to miss out on alot of stuff - and dissapointing others and myself. The problem is that they don't see my wave - so when I don't turn up, it's 'just Alia not coming again... how typical', not the actual situation of me desperately wanting to see them/go/whatever, but having to choose what gets done, and who gets seen.
I'm not trying to justify how I act - I'm pretty sure there are some of my friends who really do feel that I don't ever make the time for them, and always miss out on their important stuff... and I feel like such a little stinking shit for that... and I'm not saying I'm so desperately popular that everyone wants a piece of me - 'oh isn't life so hard?'...

Everyone who I have in my life, I really do love, and they are really important to me - because I don't really bother keeping people in my life that I don't really want there... I think I need to make a t-shirt saying something to that affect... or maybe a t-shirt for all my friends so that they each know... I'm not sure.

or maybe I need to seclude myself from the world and play more Sims? Practice makes Perfect?

bloggers 'r' us

2005-11-20T14:30:00.000+11:00

last night was fun!
Good to see friends again
Great to meet you people that I hadn't before!

I did feel slightly sad at times - that this was my evening, meeting up with people from the internet... but then I said to myself "Fuck society and it's conventions!! Who says that this has to be wrong?! Why can't people just get along??!! Why does it matter where you met??"

and at that I shed a single tear.
no really - I did.. and it totally freaked me out - I mean... what the fuck? where did that tear come from? Why didn't I notice it was there untill I felt it drip onto my hand??
what's wrong with me?

moral of the story: good music, good drink, good company - what more could you want?

I even walked home - which no one will ever tell my mother ok? (Angry As? I'm talking to you!) She'll freak out...
but yeah - walked home: quite proud of myself...

on other matter;
my room here is getting more and more organised. I got a lampshade for my light yesterday, I moved some stuff around, and now it's all looking quite pretty. I just have to get some more stuf on the whitewhitewhite walls...

I'm hungry for boys*. No one really needs to know that - but I thought I'd just put it out there...

I just saw Dan's bassist have an orgasm. If you're like me, and you're 'into' that sort of thing, go here: www.beautifulagony.com - it's quite sexy. And yeah, I thought that guy looked familiar... hehehehe

*Fuck-a-palooza has still yet to be kicked off. Admittedly I've only been in my own bed, by myself for a week and abit now, so I guess maybe Im expecting too much - but I've spoken about it to my new housemates, and they're all very keen to embark upon their own fuck-a-palooza's, so much so in fact, that we wish to call the house 'The House of Fuckapalooza'... but I'm going to have problems with that unless someone actually does something about it - cos I'd hate to be all talk.... hehehe

I think

2005-11-18T21:55:00.000+11:00

I think there's a good chance you could safely say someone was 'fitting in' with their new household, if they were to partake in a bit of jumping around on the couches, using the TV remotes as microphones, howling along to 'the killers'... wouldn't you say?
I would.
tee hee

survey:

2005-11-18T09:58:00.000+11:00

Hypothetical:

if I fuck someone that I know has a girlfriend, am I
a) a slut-whore-bag-skank
b) just as guilty as him
c) an innocent bystander
d) both a) and b)
e) none of the above: insert comment here

of course, this is just hypothetically.....

Shopping List

2005-11-17T16:38:00.000+11:00

Things I need to get from the supermarket:
Honey
Condoms
Soap

I’m preparing myself for some strange looks.

Another step forward

2005-11-16T10:27:00.000+11:00

Dan came over last night. I msged him, cos I really needed a hug. That’s what I’ve discovered to be the really big thing that I miss most through all of this: the knowledge that when I come home from a long boring day at work, I’ve got someone to wrap their arms around me and just hold me for a while. Eugh I’m such a bloody girl. Fuck.

Anyway, so I msged him, and asked if he would like to come over for said hug. So he did, and it was really nice – I got a bit of a snuggle… all better. Then he tried to kiss me, and I pulled away – and we talked about how it wasn’t a good idea to keep doing all that stuff – it was ok to be touchy feely, but only friendly. And we both felt better about it all afterwards – and he said he was much more comfortable knowing that it wasn’t going to go anywhere, and then we could really just be comfortable with each other and not wonder if we were expected to go to the next level.

And then we just talked for ages – it was nice – I can’t really remember the last time he told me so much about his life in one hit… it was really nice. And then he mentioned this other girl that he’s met that he thinks is really cute: as in, he likes her. J I was happy to hear that – seeing as for the last 3 years, I’ve had crushes on guys left right and centre, and this is really the first time he’s admitted to having a crush on anyone to me. It was a strange feeling that I felt when I talked to him about it. I was extremely happy and pleased to hear about it, and excited for him, but it also made me feel slightly ill – but in this really funny way. Like, it didn’t really upset me, but I think it affected me more than I expected it to. But in this strange bitter-sweet way, that I’m not sure I understand. The point is, that I was happy for him, and that I wanted to hear more – and I wanted to give him advice on the best way to approach her and stuff: all in all, it really cemented the fact that we’re going to be ok being friends. In fact, as I said to him last night, we can probably be more honest with each other now than we could before – because this is a whole area not usually broached by partners.

I’m really happy that we’re making the transition to best friends well. I mean, who knows how I’ll feel about it all in a months time, but right now, I’m happy, and he seems to be happy, and we’re talking about things and making sure it’s not weird and that we know where the other stands and all that.

Ok: so maybe after all of that we ended up doing things that best friends aren’t really supposed to do, but we decided that it was only going to be this one time – and we weren’t going to be weird. I told him that my main concern is that if we’re fooling around and stuff, and he does end up meeting someone that he likes, I don’t want him to feel conflicted because he still has a thing going with me. (I’m not too concerned about myself, cos I’m not really looking for a relationship at the moment anyway).
It was really really nice last night. I felt happy, and well-adjusted.
I will no longer judge other peoples situations so harshy – as that was how I explained my reservations about this stuff to him – I don’t actually feel that weird about it, but I know if I heard about another couple doing this, then I would say that it was fucked and that they shouldn’t keep hanging on and all that stuff… and that’s what I keep saying in my head when I think about this stuff concerning him – ‘what would you say if you were looking objectively at this, if it were two other people’. But yeah, I think you can never really know how it is until you’re in the middle of the situation – and like I said before, I don’t think I’ll ever judge people so harshly any more for doing things like us. If we’re ok, and we’re talking about things, and we know where each other stand on the subject – and we’re comfortable with it, it shouldn’t be a problem.

I feel………………… different today…………………. Like something has changed in me………….. and it’s good

like, totally, omg

2005-11-13T18:30:00.000+11:00

I'm happy
I just bought myself a 'thing' for the first time in ages.
In fact - it's even jewellery, and it's been even longer in time between drink for an occasion like this...
(did that sentence just make sense at all?)
poing being: I just bought a shiny silver (looking) bracelet, and I'm very pleased with myself. I really can't remember the last time I bought something that wasn't practical in some way. My new housie Willow (aka: Willz) went up Brunswick st (cos, it's like, totally just on our doorstop man) and had a look at the Grotto - I fucking love that place... They're having a 'furniture sale' at the moment - even though everthing is till all triple digs... there was a little bedside table that I saw that I love and I want. It's slightly damaged, and so is only (only?) $100... I'm thinking of getting it - even though I have absolutely no money at the moment.... hehehe Anyhoo - I actually bought some jewellery... and now I'm at home in a house that is slowly starting to feel more and more like home, and I'm very content.

on another note: I went and saw "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" last night - and it was GREAT! hehe... I can't remember the last time I was in an audience that laughed so much... it was a very good and funny movie. And I've once again come to the conclusion (or just remembered?) that Robert Downy Jnr is very hot... And that Val Kilmer isn't anymore... hehe
Movie: Completely unbelievable, yet you forgive it for that and just laugh along on the ride.

on ANOTHER note: While we're talking movies, I have to say that the other night I saw "Stay" which was another FAN-BLOODY-TASTIC movie... again HIGHLY recomended... it has Ewan McGregor in it (but that's not why I'm recomending it - if it was all about him, I would have told you to see 'the Island' cos he was way hotter in that). I can't say much about the movie, otherwise I'll well and truely reck it for all others.. but visually it was amazing, and the ending made so much sense to me, that it totally rocked my world. I would love someone else to see it, and then I can tal to you about it - cos it's one those things I would love to talk about... :)

anyway.

I'm going to go and admire my wrist with it's new accessory on... :)

top 10 songs/bands to wank to

2005-11-12T18:14:00.000+11:00

I'm, like, totally and fully into this tagging shit, so I'll do whatever anyone asks of me...
(choose to take that as you will)
my top 10 songs/bands to wank to are as follows:
1) Portishead
2) Dirty Three
3) FourPlay
4) Damien Rice - "I remember" - the stings are particularly orgasmic
5) anything with alot of Cello in
6) pounding classical piano
7) Desree - "Kissing You"
8) Moulin Rouge - "El Tango de Roxanne"
9) Radiohead - "Exit Music"
10) fucking-anything-that-makes-me-feel-sexy-dammit

now, I don't know if these would be my top 10 sex songs either, but maybe not much would change. I have to say - I don't often/ever 'wank' to music anyways, but I think, if I did, this is what it would be to.

now: Grant, I wanna know the 10 songs that you couldn't possibly 'get it up' to

KNOCK KNOCK

2005-11-12T18:01:00.000+11:00

who's there?
me in my new house!!!!!

haha
yes that's right you crazy kids - she's finally done it - it's finally happened.

I've moved, and I even did the grown up thing of getting the phone line connected so I could get back on the net (I was having withdrawls - we're not supposed to use the internet at work you see)... and now HERE I AM!!

I really like it here - the girls are really nice, and my rooms slowly taking shape - even though the walls aren't red, I still am growing to like it. It will be good when I finally get some stuff/art/whatever up on them though, white is fairly boring after a while.

I've slept here 4 nights now!! yay for me. AND I didn't even get Dan to stay over, like I thought I was going to... yay go me. I'm actually not missing him very much yet - really the only thing was yesterday I felt really tired and all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed and have someones arms to crawl into... that's been the only thing thus far that I've truely missed. I'm enjoying having the bed to myself otherwise... and I'm enjoying going out and talking to boys with this little voice in the back of my head saying 'you know what? if you WANT to, you can take him HOME with you...'. That's a nice little voice - she can stay.

*sigh* so now I have my stuff (admittedly still in boxes) and the internet, and food in the fridge, and lovely people that I'm very speedily growing to absolutely love... and guess what else?
There's no TV aerial here - which in my book at the moment is a really big POSITIVE. TV has been the bane of my life since I was 12 - I've spent countless hours sitting in front of programs that I didn't even enjoy watching. I'll readily admit - I'm addicted. It has been a crutch when I don't know what to do and the easy way out of things when I'm feeling even remotely lazy. You have no idea how excited I am that there's no longer even the possibility of sucumming to the urge. We have a DVD player, and a nice TV, but that's it - yay yay yay.

So all is well my end.

How bout you?

I'm sure I cried 'Bali'...OR: Hey! you asked!

2005-11-08T21:41:00.000+11:00

1. I have what is growing to be an unhealthy obsession with corsets. I love what they do and the way they make me feel - the reaction I've gotten from people when I'm wearing mine. I've always had a 'thing' with people touching my sides and back - I find it very sensual, and the corset is like someone permanently holding me i - I think it's something about knowing/feeling where my body ends or something - it makes me feel slimmer and helps me remember that my waistline is not never-ending. The corset I've found that I want to most at the moment is this one:

(I'm thinking about going the tats too...)

2. I desperately want to be in a production of the 'Hot Mikado' - it was done at my school when I was in yr 12, but by then I decided to chuck a hissy fit about being put in the chorus again - when all the other yr 11 and 12's had parts (and of course didn't do it). I think (know) the director didn't like me - as no matter what my acting skill - I could sing way better than some/most of the people who had gotten parts. This was my first encounter with a Director who saw me do something crap once and wouldn't forget - and hence only gave me chorus parts from then on in. But whatever - if I ever get to be in that production, I will be a very happy happy chickie. I would love to be any number of the main roles - as a lot of the songs are good. Unfortunately this is one musical that I don't have the soundtrack for - I've been trying to download it for ages, but I can never find it. I used to have a tape that had ¾ of the songs on it - they made us copies for the auditions, but have since lost it. I have resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to have to buy it, but as I have no money - this is proving to be difficult.

3. I used to be quite the little bookworm when I was a bit younger. I haven't really read a book in a little while, but it hasn't been that long. I started reading originally in primary school cos this boy that I had a crush on (and subsequently had a crush on for the next 12 years - we went out in grade 2) was a big reader, and I wanted him to like me. Like I said - it worked in grade 2, but then I saw him holding another girls hand - my best friends twin to be exact - and then mum made him dance with me at the school disco for a drink of cordial, yeah, anyway - books: My favourite genres are fantasy and fantasy and fantasy really. I was BIG on the Chronicles of Narnia and I've read every book about a thousand times, so I'm really starting to salivate about the upcoming movie/s. Some of the better memories of my childhood is lying on a blanket out in our backyard while mum read them to me in the sunshin. Why can't things be that peaceful and magical again?

4. I desperately want to perform again - but at the moment I feel like most theatre avenues are closed (there aren't really any parts for fat chicks nowadays), so I'm trying to concentrate on the music side of things. Unfortunately, the idea of advertising or something for complete strangers to start a band with and saying: "hi, I'm a really confident chickie who wants to make music with you. I have complete confidence in my abilities and I think we'll be great" is a little beyond me at the moment. I'm hoping that eventually I'll bump into a group of friends who like me and offer to help me get started, and slowly aquire band members the 'natural' way. Performing is limited at the moment because of the 2nd director that decided to dislike me - this time because of my relationship with dan, which is none of her freaking business if you ask me, but there you go. The sad thing is that the best thing I've ever done on stage was with her, and she seems to have forgotten, and so have all my friends. It's just assumed that I'm no good, so no one asks me to do things with them. The sad thing is that now I'm starting to believe them, and have lost all confidence in my abilities, so now I'm going to have to either find a new group to perform with (and the idea of an audition gives me the heebie jeebies) or give up, or wait to get a 'sympathy part' from a friend. I'm not sure how I'd feel about that.

5. The best thing I've ever done on stage was a short performance I did in my first year at uni, as part of a thing they run there called 'Snatches'. It was a duo performance, and I had no lines - I was playing a kind of a mute. This is seriously the only thing I've ever been proud of, performance wise, and the people who did see it agree with me that I was actually good. My name was 'Lewis' and I pretended to play the violin with my overbearing sister, but I sh'arnt go into the details here. This was the first time I met the people who would later become good friends of mine - and the first time I met Dan. I actually don't really remember thinking anything about him at the time, although I think I did notice that he had very blue eyes. Apparently he noticed me. awwwwww

6. I really like my boobs. I also really want to loose weight, but I'm scared that if I do, I'll loose my beautiful boobs.

7. I love wallowing in my melancholy and depression, even though I know it's not healthy. It makes me feel more tragic and artistic, even though I know that's not really the case.

8. If I'm at somewhere like work and I'm not humming or singing to myself, or there's no music on or something - you can usually tell that something's not right with me, that I'm unhappy or something. Mind you, sometimes I sing to myself to try and cheer myself up - not that it always works (yesterday being a perfect example).

9. I'm not sure that I like the tenor/sound of my own voice. I think if I was someone else listening to me, it would annoy me slightly. That's why I'm nervous about trying to front a band - I think my voice is a little weak and very fluffy. Mind you - I usually like male singers, so that could have something to do with it - I obviously don't have a male voice.

10. I'm a funny one when it comes to physical contact with other people. I desperately want hugs from everyone I know, but am secretly too scared to initiate one, so often nothing happens when I meet up with people or something. I think people now have the impression that I'm not big on the physical-friend-contact and don't tend to bother, but that makes me sad. If I've ever given you a kiss on the check when you've seen me, it's a biggy for me, unless you leant in first. I'll also often be quite awkward if the hug/kiss does happen - but trust me, it doesn't mean I'm not enjoying it, it just means I wasn't expecting it. I really do love hugs more than anything else in the world. Well, they're up there in my top 5 at least anyway.

11. I saw the hottest sex scene I've ever seen in a movie just the other day. The movie was 'Y Tu Mamma Tambien' (not sure of the spelling there), which I actually didn't get to see anything else of, cos Jane and I were drunk and she'd already watched it and she said I needed to see this one bit - and boy was she right. Seriously - the sexiest thing I think I've ever seen in my life. and it was only short, and you didn't really see anything in particular. But I've been having dreams about it ever since. (and if you've seen it, it wasn't just cos it was two guys, there are many more levels that I appreciate that scene on) (I'd go into detail, but I think that could be dangerous/embarrassing).

12. I had cyber sex with someone I knew for the first time the other day. Let me clarify - I've had cyber sex before, when I was a lot younger (I guess I kinda grew out of it), but I've never done it with someone I've met and hung out with before. Well, I guess it was cyber sex, or it was pretty close anyway. now we're just maintaining a wall of cyber silence though, I'm not sure, but I think we could both be very embarrassed.

13. I still have yet to kick of 'Fuckapalooza' with someone other than my ex.

14. I've now slept with a total of 3 women and 2 men. The idea that I've slept with more girls than boys excites me somewhat, even though I don't classify myself as Bi, I think you need to want/be open to a relationship with girls to be totally bi - which I'm not. Jane suggested that I like that idea because it would potentially turn guys on, I guess she's got a point.

15. Did I mention I'm obsessed with SEX?

16. Over the last three and a bit years I've put on a little over 20kgs. I could blame it on my relationship with Dan, or the fact that that relationship meant that I moved out of home, and didn't take as good care of myself as mum did. Either way - I'm now very angry with Dad and other members on that side of my family for telling me I was very overweight when I was only a size 14/16. that seems decent and reasonable to me now, and I hate them for making me feel huge then.

17. I have major issues with my Dad. Basically, I've stopped talking to him, even though he keeps calling and sending me emails, because I find it too hard and painful to deal with him. I've told him that when he will finally look at himself and stop pointing the finger at everyone else for the problems between the two of us, I'll consider having a relationship with him again. That was over a year and a half ago, nothing's improved. I didn't want to go home on Friday night, because I was scared he was going to turn up on my doorstep. He did that once before, and I was in bed at the time, and Dan answered the door, and told him I wasn't there. I really wanted to get up and tell him to fuck off, but I was literally paralyzed and couldn't move or speak or so anything. Once when I was much younger mum had to call the police to get him to leave - I think it may have something to do with that, maybe?

18. I would really like to learn more about photography, and how to take good shots, and how to take certain kinds of shots - such as live music and stuff, without washing out the colour with a flash and not over exposing it (if anyone knows, tell me!). Actually, I would also love love LOVE to go over to New Zealand and get work experience with Weta Workshop - that would have to be one of my ultimate dreams. Paradise. They have so much knowledge about how to make anything you could ever want - and that excites me no end, especially concerning the kind of things I've tried to make in the past/want to make in the future. And considering my all round love of movies, and and and...

19. I'm one of the biggest procrastinators I know, and it frustrates me no end. I secretly both love and hate people like Liz and Maara who just seem to have this abundance of creative energy, while I'm at home watching the TV. I'm addicted to the TV and have been for as long as I can remember. I'm hoping that during this new phase in my life, I'll manage to overcome this a little, and start getting out there and doing all the things I would really love to be doing. I idolize people like them who can't stop themselves from 'making' and I hope that one day I'll find that in myself too.

I guess I'm supposed to end on something either profound or funny? HA! Hmm how bout I go with NEITHER.
20. I love being asked questions, because I love telling people about myself... I love that someone might 'know' about me, and understand me. I've promised myself that if anyone asks me a question about myself I'll always answer it with honesty - even if it's embarrassing. I think I like embarrassing myself and 'exposing' myself emotionally to people. It makes me feel really uncomfortable, but I like it anyway.

THERE

20 things- phew that was a lengthy one!
I don't have many people to tag that havn't already been tagged... so I guess I'll just have to tag some people again... sorry dudes - but I can't let the line stop here!
SO!
I pick: Gun, Stef, Swapto, Millwood and Richard Watts

ok.
there.
I'm going to go stay a night in a new strange house, that is apparently my new home.

help

2005-11-07T14:02:00.000+11:00

I have no idea how anyone can do what I ask in the above title.

But I'm not coping.

I'm packing... moving...

I can't stop crying. If I try to pack, I cry, if I pack and sing, it's ok for a while, but eventually I cry. If I sit, I cry, if I sit and sing, it seems to be ok for the most part, untill I realise what I'm singing, and cry. So I thought I'd try and write an entry instead. I'll probably cry.

Dan came home for lunch to find me standing in the middle of a mess of a room sobbing into my hands.

I don't think I've ever cried standing up like that before.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

This is the hradest thing I've ever done in my life ever.

See? the tears have started again. Hope I don't damage my keyboard.

(a little bit of humour at a time like this can go a long way... or so I'm told. It's not working)

I know this is the right thing to do... I think this is the right thing to do.. I hope this is the right thing to do... is this the right thing to do? oh my god...

I feel so pathetic and useless and small and weak. Why can't I just deal with this and move forward? I want to move forward... I don't think I've ever cried so much, so many times as in the past two months. My heart just keeps breaking again and again and again and again and I don't know how to make it stop. If I stay - it breaks, if I leave - it breaks... Dan is the only reason I'm still holding together in any semblance of a way... and that makes me even sadder. He's the only reason I haven't fallen apart, and he's the one I'm walking away from...

I keep looking around at the slowly decimated room - all my things are leaving their corners and their places... there's empty space left. I think the room will look empty and sad when all my things are gone - even though dan really owns more things in there than I do - I feel like my things were the things that gave it life. I feel sorry that I'm leaving such an empty room behind.

I'm sorry that I can't deal with this without him
I'm sorry that I need him
I'm sorry that I don't love him enough to stay

I'm sorry that I don't love him enough to stay

I don't know how to do this

I don't know what to do next

I don't know how much to do right now

I don't feel like I can do this on my own, but I don't know who to ask for help. Mum's busy, and everyone else I know I feel like either I wouldn't want them around to see me like this, or don't care enough to bother, or don't understand how hard this is for me.

I really feel like the only person I have is Dan. He's the only one who's giving me hugs, and telling me that I'm going to be ok... he holds me when I cry and rubs my back.

I'm sorry Dan
for everything
really
sorry
I love you
I really mean that, and I always did
I don't want to say I'll always love you, becuase maybe I won't
I want to love you forever
but I guess that's why this is happening now, becuase I can't promise that
I'm sorry Dan
so very sorry
for everything
I've done
and havn't done
I'm sorry
for what you've done too
I'm sorry it didn't work out with us
but that's such a cliche'd line to use
maybe it could have if I'd wanted it to enough
or maybe it wouldn't have anyway
I'm sorry Dan
I can't seem to say it enough
I just want you to believe me
sorry

blah

2005-11-06T15:04:00.000+11:00

I feel small and useless today.
like one of those little plastic doo-dads that you find lying around on the floor when you're cleaning that you're not sure where it came from and what it does, or what to do with it, but you keep it just in case it comes in handy one day.

It turns out that it's gong to cost me somewhere upwards of $120 to paint my room red. Apparenlty it's the most tempremental colour of paint, and needs more coats, and plus it's the most expensive colour as well. Yay. Apparently, according to my mum I should just pick a different colour - but I really don't want any other colour. So, now, I'm going to have to wait untill I come back from China till I have some money - and, I'm betting that it means I'm never going to paint the room at all. I can tell. I've done this so many times - 'oh yeah, I'm going to paint my room... eventually..' and it never happens. Seriously - this has happenend too many times to count. I never come through on my promises to myself. *sigh* I'm such a dissapointment.

............

I was going to just keep complaning about more angsty shite - but I just had a 4hr or so conversation with Jane that was really nice and good and whatever... cool. So... I guess I cant' really rant about all the other crap in my life, cos at the moment I don't really care.

it's funny how that happens sometimes...

Trivia Blog

2005-11-05T18:51:00.000+11:00

there are two things I love about getting my period:
1) it means I'm not pregnant (and that's always a cause for celebration)
2) the trivia on the back of the stickers from my pads - I find it hilarious that they think I'd like a little bit of light reading while I'm on the torlet...

anyway, I thought I'd spread the love, and share some of the interesting little tid-bits of info I've garnered over the last couple of days:

An elephant can throw a baseball faster than a human
The total length of all eyelashes shed by a human in their lifetime is over thirty metres
A typical bed is usually home to over six billion dust mites
A zebra is white with black stripes, not black with white stripes
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than a spider
A crocodile can't stick out it's tongue
You can stop a sneeze by pressing your tongue to the roof of your mouth
A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball
Turtles and honeybees are both deaf
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated
Clouds fly higher during the day than at night
1.5 billion kilograms of chocolate are consumed worldwide each year
The King of Hearts is the only king without a moustache
A foetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds
The short-term memory capacity for most people is between five and nine items or digits. This is one reason taht telephone numbers were kept to seven digits for so long
Starfish don't have brains
Cats have better memories than dogs
The average human will drink about 72,737 litres of water in a lifetime
The largest number of children born to one woman is 69 in Russia
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white
Between the ags of 30 and 70, your nose may lengthen and widen by as much as 1.5cm

there we go people: Angsty Ekstasis is always answering the big questions we as a society face every day. There's no need for thanks - no really...

mmm

2005-11-04T12:19:00.000+11:00

I like cute boys

so much

Brett Says:

2005-11-03T15:14:00.000+11:00

"If you have a hard job,
give it to a lazy man

he'll find an easy way to do it."

tomorrow:

2005-10-31T19:42:00.000+11:00

'Cup Day'

1st Nov

there is a bbq at my old/current house. Y'know, good old fashioned ritualistic fry up of flesh for consumption, and the skulling of many a beer. (I don't know what the vegetarians are going to do...) there will even be salad I'm told for those people. You know who you are. Salad eaters.*

the point?

YOU ARE INVITED!!!

I'd really like someone I know to turn up so I have someone to talk to - it would be very nice...

The only thing: I'm going to go to a Skeleton Soup gig later that night, that I most heartily invite others to - it's a Halloween gig, even though it's the day after Halloween - but Wendy Rule and someone else is playing as well... and it really looks to be good. The 'but' is that it costs $10 and we have to 'pre book' which i think means telling the band... apparently it's an 'exclusive' place in south yarra *shudder*. Company and general help with bagging the pretentiousness would be much appreciated... let me know if you're interested by emailing me (I've been pretty good at checking it recently) at sekhmetlion@hotmail.com (I'd put my ph no. but my mum always told me not to cos of psycho's).

So that's me done. I know it's short notice, but if you're not doing anything else, grab someone with a car and come - cos it's gonna be fun... !!! Car is optional really.... I just know that I'm lazy, and I'd be more likely to get off my arse if someone's going to drive me... :P

oh - if you do want to come email me and I'll give you my address too - cos again, I'm wary of the psycho's... even though I'm not living here for very much longer, so I guess it won't really affect me if someone decides to look in the windows. Cos you know - at least if I get you to email me first, I'll then have your email and can track you down... er.... yeah...

please come
it'll make me extremely happy
and if i don't know you well
uncomfortable
yay :)

*I actually really like salad, but I'm afraid of persecution... it happens, trust me...

yesterday:

2005-10-30T12:10:00.000+11:00

I got this text
from Willow:
"Hey dude! we hav been faced wit the utmost worse dilemma! we met another housemate the other day b4 u sent us a msg, an he said yes an we sorta said yes aswel, then u msgd us, as we wantd u al along but we had got ourselves in 2 a situation! So the other guy is goin 2 move in, im so fukn sorry 4 takn ages 2 decide wat 2 do an get bak 2 u! both melz an I would love 2 hang out wit u tho cause we thnk u da bomb! gd luck wit evrythng in the mean time! Willz xo"

because of which I had many a tear and a need for a hug. You know when you've convinced yourself that something's going to happen, and then it doesn't? the dissapointment can be crushing.

so I didn't send anything back, as I was trying to think of something appropriate to say...

then I got this:
"Hang ten, now melz an I feel like we hav made the wrong decision! do u stil want 2 live wit us?"

to which I replied:
"yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes"

and recieved:
"hahaha hang ther 1 tic!"

.... waiting.....

then:
"WE WANT U THE MOST! so start packing baby! when we decided 2 go wit the other guy melz and I started 2 feel sick cause e knew we'd made the wrng decision! so get pumped! yay! im in the country atm so contact melz 2 organise it all! c u when I get back! ciao!"

so yay! I'm moving.

it was good actually. Really reafirmed the fact that I did actually want to move, but was just too scared to really commit to it. So it's all good.

I tried to call Mel and sort things out, but she wasn't there, so I left a msg - so as of yet, havn't heard anything back about the official details... but YAY

this is going to be interesting...

did you know...

2005-10-28T10:47:00.000+10:00

...that it's the 301st day of the year today??

did you?

I can't believe this year has gone past so fast
I can't believe I say that every single freakin' year

but seriously

we're up to day 301

Going in threes

2005-10-27T12:34:00.000+10:00

So updates apleanty:

CAR
Not getting the car any more. Even though I’d put a deposit on it, I think it really was a stupid idea for trying to do that as well as go overseas – and after mum had a look at it, she thought that it probably wasn’t that great a bargain that I would never get something that good again. I did agree with her – and after hearing a resounding “Don’t get it if you’re traveling” from all but one of my housemates (dan) I decided to take all of their advice, and luckily, I didn’t loose my deposit: I’d put in the contract ‘Subject to Family Approval’ <- it was handy. I just said that my mum had advised against it – bingo, deposit back. Minus the RACV inspection fee of course, but ah well, you live and you learn…

HOUSE
Went and saw the house again with these lovely girls, who couldn’t be any more lovely if they tried. I got horribly depressed again after going there, because it’s becoming increasingly clear that that’s the way to go, and I’m sad. In fact, I cried myself to sleep last night… I think it’s cos I really do love Dan, and me making the decision to finally move is like having to break up all over again… that said, the final decision hasn’t been made yet – but it’ll have to be tonight I think, as I don’t want to keep these girls waiting. They’ve told me that I’m their first choice, so basically, if I want to move in, I can – which is really nice. I was always picked last for the school teams when I was younger, so it’s nice just to be picked… (but, really – who wouldn’t love me???!!! HA) the guy they’re living with is oookaayyy…. Not great, but I think he won’t be a problem… he was very shy and it was a bit uncomfortable talking to him, but the other girls kinda put us on the spot, and we ended up just being like “ummm…. Hello.” “hi” “anything you wanna ask me?” “erm…. Don’t really know”. However that conversation did last a good 20 mins at least, and then I spent the next hour or more chatting with the girls again (man, I really really like them). SO NICE this is the txt I got from one of them the next morn: “Hey Alia, what did u think of mat? I know this is a massive decision 4 u 2 make considering it means such a big change 4 u but just know that willz & I have been there (eps myself recently in regards 2 breaking up with a bf!) & so r very understanding about what u r going through. Even if you decide not 2 move in, we should catch up again anyway ;-) X” how nice is that??? I was thinking that too – that they were just so damn nice that I would love to hang out with them whatever happens, and I sent back a txt somewhat to that affect. Look, I think it’s looking pretty positive, so I think it’s going to happen, but I just don’t want to make the wrong decision so I’m crapping my pants about it all…. (not literally thank god)

CHINA
IS A GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gave Jess the money this morn, she’s buying the tix TODAY and WE’RE GOING BABY!!!!
Leaving the 29th Dec, getting back on the 31st Jan….. how cool is this????? I’m sooo excited I almost weed myself… (gee, I’m really not having a good day am I??) I’ve always described myself (in regards to excitement) as like one of those tiny little dogs that when they’re happy and they try to wag their tail, but they’re so small their whole body starts to shake…. That’s what I’m like… except for the small bit…. BUT SO excited and happy!!!! I’m going to FREAKING CHINA omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg

eek

2005-10-26T11:21:00.000+10:00

I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack or something

I'm all hot behind the ears, and my heart is beating loudly, and my hands are shaking

I'm scared of everything... things are rushing around in my head too fast and I don't want to do anything but go home and get into bed and make the world go away

well

either that, or it's the coffee I had this morning

?

oh dear god

2005-10-25T19:22:00.000+10:00

I just watched Neighbours tonight

It almost made me cry

yes

thats right

Neighbours

oh

dear

god

fuck

me

what's the world coming to? Or - what am I coming to?

I mean: Neighbours for gods sake

don't pity me

please

have a squiz

2005-10-25T15:47:00.000+10:00

I got sent this, thought I'd share the love:

>>> "West Space Inc." <info@westspace.org.au> 10/25/05 1:21 pm
>>> WEST SPACE supports the work of one of our volunteers in her new initiative:Snack Bar Art Space.
For more information please contact Emma direct on 0433352 679 or at snackbarartspace@hotmail.com

CALL FOR ARTWORKS
Snack Bar Art SpaceSnack bar is a new project using vending machines to sell art in publicspaces in the inner city of Melbourne. Snack Bar Art is cheap and accessibleto the general public and provides a free space for artists to distributetheir work. All proceeds from the project go directly to the artists. Inplace of chips and chocolate bars, artists are invited to submit any kind ofwork (within size restrictions) for sale.
Works could be:
* Jewellery
* Badges
* Found Objects
* Instructions
* Patches
* Œzines
* Comics
* Audio Tapes
* Prints
* Paintings
* Collage
* Textiles/Knitting/Crochet
* Sculptures
* Drawings
* Gadgets
* Flipbooks
* Toys
* Tools
* Toys
* Constructions
* Poetry/Prose
* Puppets

The works may be one offs or multiples and will be sold for $2 each, allproceeds going to the artist. Works will be packaged in cardboard boxes(which we can supply at no cost) which will also containing a brief artistsbio (see application) and a map of artist run spaces in Melbourne. Art inthis project will be an anonymous gift to an anonymous stranger, the artworkis an invitation to experience the Melbourne¹s independent art sceneŠMaximum size for works: 200mm tall/100mm wide/50mm deep. (From the size of asmall chocolate bar to the size of a 50gr packet of chips)
The location of the first vending machine is in the new caf* district inVictoria St Brunswick in the extraordinary coin laundry. Another machinewill be installed in a pub in St Kilda or in the city shortly.Contact Emma on 0433 352 679 or at snackbarartspace@hotmail.com for moreinformation
SUBMISSION DATES
First Round: November 20th 2005
Second Round: January 20th 2006
Third Round: March 20th 2006
Project Launch Party in Late November, details TBA

mysterious ways

2005-10-24T12:03:00.000+10:00

I just found out that my dealer is now my boss...

weird

well, actually, he's not strictly my boss - he's my team leader, and he's not strictly my dealer as such, I've only gotten stuff off him twice, admittedly the only two times I've gotten anything off anyone...

but this is strange none the less...

considering that he gets stoned most lunchtimes, if not whatever else he takes - he's pretty hyped in the afternoon's sometimes... maybe it's just all the v's he drinks, but methinks it could be something else...

weird weird weird

grrr

2005-10-22T15:30:00.000+10:00

remember this Gun?????

And this one, from Maara...

remember 'Grrr'????? hehehehehehehehehhahaHAHAHAHAHAHEHEHAHAS

:Lfdsfsffff;oiprawp'oeaw'porfag'asjasf *cough cough* *splutter* HA

hehehehe

I havn't forgotten... I'll never forget... MWU-HaHaHaHaaaaaaa

(you'll notice I didn't put the painfully bad drawing that I did on here... suck)

oh, fine, here....

HEY EVERYBODY: this is what I wanted to/tried/thought I might look a little bit like when I was 14.... I think I still do...

I was thinking of cutting my hair short again...

*cough*

is there anything better

2005-10-22T14:30:00.000+10:00

than a long, hot shower?
I mean, seriously?

what 'cha rekon?

2005-10-21T22:05:00.000+10:00

'The Biggest Looser' is coming to Australia.
I'm totally going to apply.
how cool/funny would that be?
just imagine - I could go to fat camp...
"run little fat girl, run like the wind"

coming in threes

2005-10-19T22:23:00.000+10:00

unfortunately not that way...

BUT

1) I bought a car on the weekend! (well, I put a deposit on it, but my loan was approved today) the only the thing is that it's got to pass it's 3rd party inspection, and I've also put that I need to get 'family approval' which basically means I want my mum to have a look. Other than that - looks like I have a car!
-> 1988 Toyota Corolla, red hatchback, auto - I don't know a heap about cars, but that's the important stuff to me.
((yes, I know I don't have a license... this is supposed to be incentive/something for me to learn in))

2) I went and had a look at a share-house on monday night. It made me sad and confused, becuase I was hoping that it would be awful and horrible and that would mean I would stay here, but it was actually great, and the girls were great, and it's CHEAP - only $292 a month! and it's a great location. Unfortuatly there's an issue with one of the guys there, but there was talk of kicking him out (he 's heavily into drugs - which I don't really mind for the most part, but apparently he was talking about some of his friends being on herion, and he wasn't talking in a negative way - heroin sets off my alarm bellls) but I don't know if that will really happen. I think it was a good place though. I'm still not sure if I feel comfortable moving - I don't know if I can do it... so that keeps going through my head.

3) THERE'S A VERY GOOD CHANCE I CAN GO TO CHINA
and it will be in november
as in THIS november
but I have to buy the ticket by the end of october
as it - THIS MONTH
as in - I have to raise money... which is the hard bit. Anyone got a spare couple of thousand dollars they want to give me? you know... cos you like me so much? :)
Actually, with a little bit of saving like buggery, and a lot of getting into debt (ie, credit card) I think it may actually be an attainable goal... I don't fucking believe it...
It'll only be for a month, and this is why is has to be now:
- there's cheap flights for the month of november. You can leave any time within that time, but you can only go for up to 35 days. We can get form here to Bejing, from Bejing to Boatou, then back to Bejing then here again, stopping off in Japan along the way. All that for only like $1800 (which includes tax, insurance, visa, and passport),
- we can get free accomodation while we're over there - cos one friend of ours is staying in Bejing at the moment, and another one has gone back to visit her parents in Boatou recently and we can stay with them - PLUS cindy can take us around and show us stuff etc etc
So all we have to really pay for over there is food and sight-seeing... cheap cheap cheap.

I think I can totally swing it - I think it's totally going to happen... I think I'm going to pee myself or something I'm so excited. Also worried - I'm not sure that I'll have enough money... but I think if worst comes to worst, Dan said he could lend me some money... so the next few weeks will be all about tightening the belt a notch or two and getting my hands on that moneymoneymoneymoney!!!!!

I'M GOING TO CHINA!!!

ow

2005-10-16T16:50:00.000+10:00

my head hurts
why?
I didn't drink last night
but myhead hurts so much.. and it has been doing so for the entire day.
why?
I don't understand

went to Matt's birthday last night... gave him a ring that I made for him - unfortunately it didn't fit him exactly, so I've taken it home again and he's going to come over and I'll measure his finger exactly and fix it... had moderate fun - I wasn't exactly 'on game' last night either. I felt particularly boring and un-attractive last night... but it was nice to see everyone again.

I wanted to go to Millwood's 21st party - but it was just too hard to get to from where I was... if it was anywhere this side of the yarra I think I would have managed - but, yeah, as it was... too tricky. I feel badly though, I really did want to go... I can't even say 'next time' cos it was a freakin' 21st!! that doesn't happen more than once in a lifetime... so - sorry dude. I hope you had fun.

I really feel like going out for a big meal in a pub or something - real hearty food, you know? Unfortunately I HATE eating by myself, and it's absolutely IMPOSSIBLE in public, and I don't really know if anyone would come with me. Jane's out, Mel's out, the other Mel's out, I don't really want to go with Dan - cos I'm trying to get a bit of distance, and I don't really have any other friends that a)would come out at such short notice b)I would feel comfortable with just hanging out and having dinner with... out... you know?

If anyone reads this in time and just happens to be passing through North Fitzroy this evening, please come save me from headache and tedium.

two posts for the price of one

2005-10-13T13:20:00.000+10:00

I’m confused by a dichotomy that resides in me.

I’m happy at the moment; I had a great weekend, one to write home about (no fuckapalooza, but that’s not the be all and end all of a good time) I feel happy because I’m being reminded that I have friends who care about me, and that I am in the possession of a personality that people seem to like. I’m not who I want to be when I grow up yet, but I’m slowly, inch by inch leaving behind the social retard I’ve lived with for years. I’m happy.

Yet

In the kitchen here at work, for some reason there is a razor blade that sits on top of the fridge. Every time I walk in there to get a drink or a snack, or just to walk through – I look at that blade and fantasize about it. I wonder what it would be like to press it into the flesh of my arm, and see the blood rise to the surface. I wonder how much it would hurt, and how hard I would have to slice to make a decent mark. I’ve picked it up before and felt it: it’s very blunt. I can’t stop thinking about this every time I see it. I’ve felt sad and desperate before, and it seemed like it would be a good idea – a good way to make me feel something different, or take my mind off whatever was bothering me at the time. I’m not sure why. Now I feel happy, and I still think about it.

How can someone be so excited about how their life is progressing and yet still feel so utterly disgusted with one’s self, or disappointed in themselves?

I don’t understand myself.

Is it just low self-esteem?

------------------------------------------
I’m unsure of whether I want anyone to reply to the above text.
------------------------------------------

I remembered something I did last weekend (yes, I know it’s almost been a week – I guess I’m finally developing that hazy-alcoholic-memory…) I’m both happy and embarrassed about it… I’m always secretly happy when I embarrass myself, because it means I’ve revealed myself in some way – and I love people knowing about me… I’m not sure why… but it does explain the blog.

I need to tell a bit of a back story: This was the second time that Penny Machinations has been put on – the first time was at La Mamma, and all bar the side-show I was manning was different. There was one, that was just a little booth with a phone in it, and you went in there and picked up the receiver and a voice would start talking to you. You would get one of a series of random monologues from selected plays. I went in there and got one of the monologues from Crave – a very sexy monologue. In fact, there were two performers who did the phone, one male and one female, and I was lucky enough to get the male… and my my my didn’t he do his monologue well…. I will say, with great authority that it was the SEXIEST thing I’ve ever experienced. There was a lot of “I want to touch your back, and your shoulder… I want to buy you a kitten and then get jealous when you love it more than you do me” well, admittedly the kitten thing isn’t that sexy, but there was a lot of other ‘I want to’ bits that were just fucking great. I’ve never been more turned on in my life… EVER. EVER. And afterwards I got to meet the guy who did it, of course, cos he’s a friend of my friend. Well… I didn’t so much as meet him as get him pointed out while I drooled. He wasn’t particularly good looking (well, he was nothing to sneeze at – “wouldn’t kick him out of bed for farting” as my housemate says), but – lets just say, I have a bit of an aural fixation…
Anyway, he came and saw this Penny, of course. He actually is involved with another show that was really successful here (during the comedy fest? Not sure…) and ended up touring Canada and wherever else… was living in New York for a while apparently with the other lads from the show, and has come back now – to perform the same show as part of the Melbourne international Arts Festival (or so I’m told). So I got to talk to him properly for the first time since the first Penny, and I was extremely proud of myself – not a hint of social retard-ness… I was witty, charming, happy etc etc. Then, this last weekend he was at the Hi-Fi bar for the Fringe after party thing that I ended up going to, and I was VERY drunk. To cut a long story shot (hehehe bit late) I ended up telling him as he was leaving the whole being turned on thing… he laughed and left. I did get a hug though, and he smiled. I hope he was grateful and not horribly disgusted… what was my point? Umm… that I actually told someone I thought they were hot – I just hope that it went down as well as I remember in my head, because admittedly my recollections of the night are a little fuzzy. Unfortunately (for me) it didn’t make him want to ravage me right there and then, and talk all sorts of nonsense in my ear while making passionate love, but… well… at least I told him. Or maybe I shouldn’t have? Hehehe I think my inner social retard was busting to come out after being squashed for so long, and that’s what happened. But it was a compliment right?
Any person would love to be told they’re sexy right?

Right?????

my wish list

2005-10-12T11:15:00.000+10:00

these are the things that I want at the moment:

Toyota Corolla, pref red or yellow, automatic, something post 1986 (or any kind of cute car that isn't expensive and will get me from A to B, and isn't white) (or grey)
Digital Camera: Nikon D70 DSLR looks really good - good for macro shots (for my jewellery)
nice house to live in with nice housemates
upgrade parts for my laptop, mainly RAM, and possibly some hard drive space
Tix to the meredith music festival: damn those ebay whores and their limitless wallets
more corsets: I'm addicted
something to wear on the bottom with corsets: that black skirt is daggy, and it looks strange with just pants cos of the... squeezing...
new shoes: something dressy and something casual too - mine are currently falling apart
CD's - there are many many many many cd's on my list to get

hmm can't think of any more at the moment, which is surprising.

maybe I'll add to it later

if anyone else has any suggestions of what I should be pining for - let me know...