ate beetroot last night OR: what a weird torlet experiece today

I love titles with two headings. Very much. (thanks Surly) ;)

I'm going to do a piece of artwork one day called 'Freudian Slip or Everyone's Better in Pairs'.

Anyway,

I'm kind of a day behind in the events in my life, so I'm going to try and catch up - this could be a long post, so strap yourselves in kiddies.

This story starts a few weeks ago:

I've been walking to the train station every morning I go to work for a couple of weeks now. I'm quite proud of myself actually - it's something like a 30 min walk at the fastest pace I can move my little pudgy legs, and I'm very pleased with myself that I've finally stuck with something. ANYWAY. Sometimes on this walk, when I'm crossing Lygon St, always at this same intersection this guy happens to be crossing the other way. For some reason whenever we've walked passed each other, there's been a 'look'. What kind of look? I'm not sure, but definitely a look none-the-less. WELL. I kind of find this man attractive - even though he's obviously alot older than me, there's something about his eyes that I really like. He's got a full beard, and even that doesn't bother me. I almost feel like I know him from somewhere, and for a while I thought he might be an actor, because he reminded me of this guy off that 'Farscape' sci-fi show that was on for a while. (I've since looked that actor up on the net, and I don't think it's him at all...) Then not last night but the one before, I was coming home from work, and I caught the bus, because I don't like walking that long walk as it's getting dark - because my paranoid mother has instilled all kind of irrational fears in me (well, that and there is a serial rapist that's been reported near where I live... but hey...) and this guy just happened to be catching the same bus as me (for those of you who are keeping count - usually, he's been going in the opposite direction to me, in the mornings, but this time he was going in the same direction, at night). Again there was a look, and a nod this time - he was letting me know that I should board the bus ahead of him - he's quite the gentleman. He happened to get off the same stop that I got off. THEN. The next morning (yesterday morn, to be precise) it's pissing down rain, and I didn't really feel like walking for 1/2 hr in the wet, so I decide to catch the bus again. Guess who's waiting at the same bus stop that I get on at?! (to catch you up again, this means that he's going in the opposite direction to what he usually is in the mornings when I've seen him before - this time in MY direction). There was another nod, an acknowledgement - and this time I gave the best big, beaming smile I could, to let him know that I knew that we'd seen each other before. There was another nod, but I let him get on before me because I needed to buy a ticked (as that's the etiquette). He got off at the same stop as me again (the same stop that we both got on at the night before). I'm intrigued as to who he is, and what this connection that we have may mean. I must admit, I've started having fantasies about who he is, and what will happen in my little gutter brain between the two of us. Actually, I think there was one fantasy involving him and Ewan McGregor (excuse me, I just saw The Island), one mouth on each side of my neck...... but I think I better not go into that now... *slap*
So this morning I slept in, accidentally, just enough so I didn’t have enough time to walk to the station, and had to catch the bus, otherwise I would have been late to work. I small (large) part of me was really hoping that he would be catching it again – but I think he was only there because of the same reason as me yesterday – the wet. I’m trying to think of things to say if it ever happens again.

Oh, there’s also this other guy (who is decidedly LESS attractive) that is often at my café in the mornings eating bacon and eggs with a big hot chocolate, that was also on that bus. We too always have a little look – but he actually smiles back at me. I think he thinks I’m hot (hehe, hello ego – you woke up did you?) J – but from the look of him, I think he’d think anyone who gave him a nod was cute (remind you of anyone?). I’d also like to think of something to say to this guy as well, but on the other hand, I’m not particularly interested in cultivating a relationship with him… so maybe not.


So then there’s the other story:

I’ve had this friend for a long time, who I’ve had a MASSIVE crush on forever, but who is unfortunately (for me) gay. When I first met him, he didn’t know he was gay yet, so that’s where my infatuation started, but then he realized he was, and I couldn’t turn my feelings off. I’ve always tried to cultivate a good relationship with him – I’ve wanted desperately to be a friend, but since I’m a social retard, I’ve always acted like an idiot when he’s been around, especially when we’ve been alone together. The highlight of my year a couple of weekends ago was when he gave me like a 10 min long hug that was so gorgeous and wonderful I could have cried (luckily I didn’t) (I did grab his ass though…) I keep having this weird thing with him – I feel like he doesn’t really like me, but then I hear from another friend of ours that he talks about me in a really nice way – and that friend thinks all the strangeness is coming from my half, not his. This could very well be the case, but I think it’s maybe 80% me, and 20% him. ANYWAY. I always invite him to stuff, and he doesn’t reciprocate, and he very rarely comes to the stuff I ask him to, although he has come to all the important ones (ie: exhibition openings, birthday parties etc). I only get to see him really when there’s a theatre show going on, and we’re in it together, or I come and watch every performance (like last year, like the complete freak that I am – I only go for the booze afterwards). SO there’s this thing that I try and go see whenever I can – Cut and Paste comedy, which is every second Thursday night. It’s an improv comedy night, that’s very very very very very funny, and cheap. I’ve only ever gone with Dan, or Dan and someone else, and when I say I’ve been whenever I could, it means I’ve been maybe 5 times. Matt (the guy) has come once, and he really liked it, so I’ve always invited him again, and there have been many promises made, but something always comes up for him in the end, and he can’t come. SO last night it was on again, and yesterday I texted him and asked if he wanted to go. Realistically I expected him to say he couldn’t, and when I didn’t get a reply all day, I resigned myself to the fact that it just wasn’t going to happen. Then when I got home, I got a msg from him, and after a bit of back-and-forthing, (which, incidentally, didn’t include me begging) he came! It was just me and him, as I couldn’t be bothered asking anyone else, and a small (large) part of me really wanted to hang out with just him. Which we’ve never really done before. So I was excited. And we went – and I DIDN’T act like a freak at all, and I didn’t emotionally vomit on him at all, and it was a great night, and he gave me more hugs (and a kiss on the neck) and there was much laughter and happiness…. And I’m very very very happy today. Well… it is a sad kind of happiness, because he’ll never love me the same way I love him. And he’s everything Dan isn’t. I was so happy to go out without Dan. I felt like I had wings on my back and there was nothing to carry but myself, and I felt light and free (that sentence had more cheese than Bega). But I’m proud of myself that I didn’t act like a freak, and there were no uncomfortable silences, and he asked questions about me – was interested in MY life (which not really too many of my theatre friends are), and I was interested in HIS life…. I’ll just say it once more – I’m very happy today.

Now. I think I better give this a rest. I’m sure anyone who’s read this is going to need a toilet (torlet) break and go get a drink or something. I’ll leave other stuff for the next installment…

Phew.

PS. I’ve realized how much I just want to be touched (not like that you gutter-mind). I want to have someone’s hand on my back. An arm around my shoulders. The comfort of another body. I don’t really get that from Dan at the moment. Or – only when it’s convenient for him. And I don’t feel the same way when he does do it anymore. That saddens me.