he knows
he found my blog. Apparently in his histories on his computer - but he must have looked back a long long while. He denyed it - but I think he may have looked at my emails again. Not that it makes it any better.
oh - P*I*G*H: I don't wanna hear "I told you so". seriously.
I've done a cunt of a thing to him.
Now he's saying all the same things I was saying to him before.
I don't know if he still wants to be with me. We started talking again this morning, but then he had to go to work. I hate that he did that. Couldn't he have called in sick or something? No matter what I've done - aren't I important enough for that?
I'm happy in once sense - I'm happy that I know that I can't just do anything to him and he'll take it. that's a weird thing to say - but for the longest time I was worried that he would let me do anything I wanted to him, and he wouldn't stick up for himself. That has happened alot. I guess I found his line in the sand. At least I know there is one.
He almost seemed more concerned that I talk about him negatively in my blog. Says that it humiliated him. I think I should be allowed to write what I like, this is a free and anonymous forum... (well, except for a couple of you...)
I still don't understand myself. There was a little voice in my head that was yelling at him "yes! do it! break up with me!" but there's a bigger voice that doesn't want that to happen. And especially not happen this way. I want him in my life no matter what - even though I know it's near impossible for people to truely remain friends after a break up. I don't want him to hate me.
He said this morning that he'll always love me, for the rest of his life. Can that be true? I think people think that - but if he does go out on his own, he'll meet someone else, and fall in love with her... will he really then still love me? I think love can die... his will too.
He said his Dad cheated on his Mum, and he hates him for that. He said they've been married for 30 years - and it's been 30 years of hell... he doesn't want us to be like that. Neither do I. But I'm still not sure exactly what I want.
I suggested we move apart, and see how that goes. We talked about that ages ago, but decided it was too hard. I was going to suggest it last night, before all this started - but now I think it's maybe not the best idea... he says he doesn't trust me any more. How will he trust me if we don't live together? I don't know if it's going to work.
I'm sad. I'm loosing my best friend.
I told him that I didn't want another day like last monday - a whole day of hell, because I didn't know what was going to happen to us. So instead of him staying and sorting it out with me - he just said "well... it looks like at the moment we havn't broken up." is that good? I don't know...
I just don't know...
I feel sick
and hot
apparently it's cold in here...
I'm sweating
I want to finish this post somehow........
...................................................
there
oh - P*I*G*H: I don't wanna hear "I told you so". seriously.
I've done a cunt of a thing to him.
Now he's saying all the same things I was saying to him before.
I don't know if he still wants to be with me. We started talking again this morning, but then he had to go to work. I hate that he did that. Couldn't he have called in sick or something? No matter what I've done - aren't I important enough for that?
I'm happy in once sense - I'm happy that I know that I can't just do anything to him and he'll take it. that's a weird thing to say - but for the longest time I was worried that he would let me do anything I wanted to him, and he wouldn't stick up for himself. That has happened alot. I guess I found his line in the sand. At least I know there is one.
He almost seemed more concerned that I talk about him negatively in my blog. Says that it humiliated him. I think I should be allowed to write what I like, this is a free and anonymous forum... (well, except for a couple of you...)
I still don't understand myself. There was a little voice in my head that was yelling at him "yes! do it! break up with me!" but there's a bigger voice that doesn't want that to happen. And especially not happen this way. I want him in my life no matter what - even though I know it's near impossible for people to truely remain friends after a break up. I don't want him to hate me.
He said this morning that he'll always love me, for the rest of his life. Can that be true? I think people think that - but if he does go out on his own, he'll meet someone else, and fall in love with her... will he really then still love me? I think love can die... his will too.
He said his Dad cheated on his Mum, and he hates him for that. He said they've been married for 30 years - and it's been 30 years of hell... he doesn't want us to be like that. Neither do I. But I'm still not sure exactly what I want.
I suggested we move apart, and see how that goes. We talked about that ages ago, but decided it was too hard. I was going to suggest it last night, before all this started - but now I think it's maybe not the best idea... he says he doesn't trust me any more. How will he trust me if we don't live together? I don't know if it's going to work.
I'm sad. I'm loosing my best friend.
I told him that I didn't want another day like last monday - a whole day of hell, because I didn't know what was going to happen to us. So instead of him staying and sorting it out with me - he just said "well... it looks like at the moment we havn't broken up." is that good? I don't know...
I just don't know...
I feel sick
and hot
apparently it's cold in here...
I'm sweating
I want to finish this post somehow........
...................................................
there
posted by ekstasis at 10:11 AM
8 Comments:
Talk about a shit way for things to come to a head.. Although in some subversive way, it's probably good that it did. If he hadn't read it on here, it would've manifested itself in other ways.. Probably through your behaviour.
I hate to say it, but I was in exactly the same situation with my ex-girlfriend.. I had been one foot in / out for a while, and a whole bunch of stuff came to light through our good friend the internet. She said she'd always love me too, but 5 months later we've both moved on and actually get along quite well.
I could be wrong, but I think there are times when it's right for things to come to an end.. But out of ritual, comfort or perhaps even fear, you stick with it.
Either way I hope things work out for you.. I think if you both truly care about each other you'll maintain contact in one form or another.
This is a subject I know a lot about and have had a lot of experience with. If you decide to stay together make sure it's for the right reasons and good luck.
However, if you do happen to break up the worst thing you can do is try and force yourselves into the 'just friends' mould straight away. Give it time. Give each other space to get used to being on your own. Eventually you'll be able to talk and see each other again. Trust me. Above all else, conduct yourself dignity and honesty.
...WITH dignity and honesty
you're all so nice.
thanks
very good advice.
mill: I think there are times when it should come to an end, but what I'm finding hard is knowing wheather this is the time or not... but I spose that's always the hard bit... it's not me exclusive.
surly: i'm trying to conduct myself properly - but it is a little hard, considering what most of the conversation was about last night. I ended up not saying much - because everything I wanted to say sounded like a pathetic justification... I'm not trying to justify what I've done... but I don't really regret IT. I regret what I've done to Dan - I wouldn't wish anyone to feel what he must be feeling - but not the actual event...
I don't really know what to thinkabout myself at the moment. I think I'm sick anyway - my pulse is like 90 or so beats a minute (it's supposed to be between 60 and 80 yeah?) and I feel like vomiting, I'm hot, and I think if it gets any worse I might faint. <-- how like a girl...
OH shit, I've been fucking around on my blog...
You poor dear...
The worst thing about this (for me, apart from witnessing your suffering and being unable to be suitibly comforting; the internet is very sterile tool and can't hug you)is that a few days ago i thought about making the point about how he could find your blog in his history...
and I FAILED to point it out.
I'm a dick.
But I agree with Millwood, it's probably the best way it could have happened, because it was honest and vaguely uncensored... I know i sounds yucky and hardbut it might really be the best thing to have some time apart. If you end up looking for another place my (figurative) door is always open...
thanks dude
I don't think you should be too hard on yourself.. When you're in that mid-ground of certainty in a relationship, you're bound to do things which in a perfect situation don't seem right. I think in circumstances like this, unfortunately, things have to get worse before they can get better*.
* Apoligies for the platitude.
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