one flew over my cuckoo nest

there's a girl here at work who insists on sending me "funnies". You know - those emails that get sent around, that are 70% jokes, and %35 spam/chain letters. Just for the fun of it, I thought I'd post a few of the things she's sent me, just so that you too can sit there, slap your forehead and "GufHAW" along with me...:

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Lulu was a prostitute - One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes
were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by
one. As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street
and was so ashamed; Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for. Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting.
Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line. When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!" The policeman fainted.
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Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules. Any comments?

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......... whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
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Subject: 4 married guys go sailing

Four married guys go sailing. After an hour, the following conversation
took place:

First guy:
"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out sailing this
weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
will re-model the kitchen for her."

They continued sailing when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come sailing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Sailing or Sex' and she said, 'Wear sun-block.' "
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In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, "once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard....but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.
- I needed a building permit.
- I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler
system.
- My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
- We had to go to the Planning Tribunal for a decision.
- Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
- I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem.
- There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

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