help
I have no idea how anyone can do what I ask in the above title.
But I'm not coping.
I'm packing... moving...
I can't stop crying. If I try to pack, I cry, if I pack and sing, it's ok for a while, but eventually I cry. If I sit, I cry, if I sit and sing, it seems to be ok for the most part, untill I realise what I'm singing, and cry. So I thought I'd try and write an entry instead. I'll probably cry.
Dan came home for lunch to find me standing in the middle of a mess of a room sobbing into my hands.
I don't think I've ever cried standing up like that before.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
This is the hradest thing I've ever done in my life ever.
See? the tears have started again. Hope I don't damage my keyboard.
(a little bit of humour at a time like this can go a long way... or so I'm told. It's not working)
I know this is the right thing to do... I think this is the right thing to do.. I hope this is the right thing to do... is this the right thing to do? oh my god...
I feel so pathetic and useless and small and weak. Why can't I just deal with this and move forward? I want to move forward... I don't think I've ever cried so much, so many times as in the past two months. My heart just keeps breaking again and again and again and again and I don't know how to make it stop. If I stay - it breaks, if I leave - it breaks... Dan is the only reason I'm still holding together in any semblance of a way... and that makes me even sadder. He's the only reason I haven't fallen apart, and he's the one I'm walking away from...
I keep looking around at the slowly decimated room - all my things are leaving their corners and their places... there's empty space left. I think the room will look empty and sad when all my things are gone - even though dan really owns more things in there than I do - I feel like my things were the things that gave it life. I feel sorry that I'm leaving such an empty room behind.
I'm sorry that I can't deal with this without him
I'm sorry that I need him
I'm sorry that I don't love him enough to stay
I'm sorry that I don't love him enough to stay
I don't know how to do this
I don't know what to do next
I don't know how much to do right now
I don't feel like I can do this on my own, but I don't know who to ask for help. Mum's busy, and everyone else I know I feel like either I wouldn't want them around to see me like this, or don't care enough to bother, or don't understand how hard this is for me.
I really feel like the only person I have is Dan. He's the only one who's giving me hugs, and telling me that I'm going to be ok... he holds me when I cry and rubs my back.
I'm sorry Dan
for everything
really
sorry
I love you
I really mean that, and I always did
I don't want to say I'll always love you, becuase maybe I won't
I want to love you forever
but I guess that's why this is happening now, becuase I can't promise that
I'm sorry Dan
so very sorry
for everything
I've done
and havn't done
I'm sorry
for what you've done too
I'm sorry it didn't work out with us
but that's such a cliche'd line to use
maybe it could have if I'd wanted it to enough
or maybe it wouldn't have anyway
I'm sorry Dan
I can't seem to say it enough
I just want you to believe me
sorry
But I'm not coping.
I'm packing... moving...
I can't stop crying. If I try to pack, I cry, if I pack and sing, it's ok for a while, but eventually I cry. If I sit, I cry, if I sit and sing, it seems to be ok for the most part, untill I realise what I'm singing, and cry. So I thought I'd try and write an entry instead. I'll probably cry.
Dan came home for lunch to find me standing in the middle of a mess of a room sobbing into my hands.
I don't think I've ever cried standing up like that before.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
This is the hradest thing I've ever done in my life ever.
See? the tears have started again. Hope I don't damage my keyboard.
(a little bit of humour at a time like this can go a long way... or so I'm told. It's not working)
I know this is the right thing to do... I think this is the right thing to do.. I hope this is the right thing to do... is this the right thing to do? oh my god...
I feel so pathetic and useless and small and weak. Why can't I just deal with this and move forward? I want to move forward... I don't think I've ever cried so much, so many times as in the past two months. My heart just keeps breaking again and again and again and again and I don't know how to make it stop. If I stay - it breaks, if I leave - it breaks... Dan is the only reason I'm still holding together in any semblance of a way... and that makes me even sadder. He's the only reason I haven't fallen apart, and he's the one I'm walking away from...
I keep looking around at the slowly decimated room - all my things are leaving their corners and their places... there's empty space left. I think the room will look empty and sad when all my things are gone - even though dan really owns more things in there than I do - I feel like my things were the things that gave it life. I feel sorry that I'm leaving such an empty room behind.
I'm sorry that I can't deal with this without him
I'm sorry that I need him
I'm sorry that I don't love him enough to stay
I'm sorry that I don't love him enough to stay
I don't know how to do this
I don't know what to do next
I don't know how much to do right now
I don't feel like I can do this on my own, but I don't know who to ask for help. Mum's busy, and everyone else I know I feel like either I wouldn't want them around to see me like this, or don't care enough to bother, or don't understand how hard this is for me.
I really feel like the only person I have is Dan. He's the only one who's giving me hugs, and telling me that I'm going to be ok... he holds me when I cry and rubs my back.
I'm sorry Dan
for everything
really
sorry
I love you
I really mean that, and I always did
I don't want to say I'll always love you, becuase maybe I won't
I want to love you forever
but I guess that's why this is happening now, becuase I can't promise that
I'm sorry Dan
so very sorry
for everything
I've done
and havn't done
I'm sorry
for what you've done too
I'm sorry it didn't work out with us
but that's such a cliche'd line to use
maybe it could have if I'd wanted it to enough
or maybe it wouldn't have anyway
I'm sorry Dan
I can't seem to say it enough
I just want you to believe me
sorry
posted by ekstasis at 2:02 PM
9 Comments:
You've been tagged, my angsty friend! 20 things, post-haste.. :)
yay tagged
I may, however, wait untill the angst has passed just a little, otherwise you'll end up getting something like;
1)I broke up with my bf
2)I'm alone
3)I'm sad
4)I'm alone
5)I'm crying uncontrolably at odd moments, like putting books in a box
6)I feel small
7)and useless
etc etc etc etc
actually, I'm ok at the moment, but I still think my 20 things would turn out to be a little coloured at the moment...
shouldn't take me too long though
:)
thanks dude.... really - people seem to think that when they say these things, it's meaningless to me - but it's not... thanks heaps.
you're right of course...
:)
...i wanted to email you but, i'll have to do it here...i know *exactly* what you're going through. i did it back in may, and although we've both moved on...kinda...and moved on to other people, i still cry every time i see him...
it will get better...i hope...for both of us...it has to
good luck
ps i dont think you should try not to cry, just get it all out
I empathise with your situation all too easily.. It's difficult to find the motivation to do what's right when it feels so fundamentally wrong. Stick with your instinct though.. It might be easier to stay, but it would cause you far more pain in the long run.
Where are you planning on going?
lf: its just so shit, hey? I wouldn't mind the crying bit so much - I know I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself for a little while (I know I can't wallow in it for tooooo long tho), but it's just that it's so incapacitating... I can't do anything when this is a moment that alot needs to be done... it just makes it harder. I wish I was strong enough to just get through this little bit - then I would have let myself fall over and sob till the cows come home (I'm sure this is going to happen anyway...)
millwood: I've ended up moving into the place in Fitzroy - so yay. New people, nice people... I can't stress it enought SUCH NICE PEOPLE... and yeah - the thing is that I know deep down that it wouldn't be easier to stay, but I do have to remind myself of that sometimes, cos it's all too easy to forget...
I dig.. But it sounds like you've got a good thing going at the moment. And remember, there's no better way to break the ice than getting drunk and flashing everybody. Believe me, I know.
thanks dudes.
It just struck me is that this place really does feel like Home, and I'm leaving it... that's part of the reason for the saddness. That surprised me - I thought it was just the Dan thing...
grant: hrm interesting challenge!! I'll take you up on that - 10 songs to wank to, cumming up!!
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