what is this strange feeling?
it's Dan's birthday today. The first time in 3 years that he hasn't had someone to wake up to in the morning with big hugs. I feel guilty about this... like, I got hugs on MY birthday this year, and it doesn't seem fair that he didn't. Although, if you really count them back, we're probably even, considering when we actually got together. But, that's of no consequence.
He's got a gig tonight, which I'm hardly going to bother plugging, cos I know no one will turn up.... pffft. You (all of you) really do need to see them at some point though, but I can' t be bothered arguing the case 'for' at the moment. But I've gotten him pressies (well, one present, and then I'm going to try and find a cd on the way home for him too) and a little cup cake with a candle. I still have this overwhelming compulsion to make his birthday my responsibility - organising dinner with his brother... getting him a cake (however small)... I even considered taking the afternoon off work, so we could hang out... I had this idea that he wouldn't have anyone to share his day with, if not for me. Which, is not actually such an unreasonable thought - cos it has been largely that way for a while now.
Which is why, when I rang to finalise dinner plans, I felt really strange when I found out he was out with friends from the kids show he's doing, drinking. Dan never drinks - he's far too responsible usually... but it seems he's drinking today, as people were buying them for him - which has never happened before either. I felt wierd. A very very strange feeling. It was a little green around the edges, if you get what I mean. I felt somewhat weirder than when he told me that he had a crush on someone - because while that was quite an intense feeling, it was brief... whereas this one is lingering around, and making me feel not-so-nice. I think it's a mixture of things - one of them being that he's out with friends of mine (they're his friends too, obviously) but they're friends that I always feel very special if I see and hang out with (well, I feel special with all my friends, but these people have always been my 'cool crowd'... it's kinda pathetic really)... and two - he's not 'mine' any more. I mean, I knew that, but it's strange. I'm not what keeps his life together anymore... (I know this is small and pathetic, but I'm trying to explain it to myself so I can get over it).
and then there's this idea that people like him more now that I'm not with him. I mean, I know there are a couple of people who are going to be happy about it - but now he's being more included than he ever was before, and it's becuase i'm not there. I'm not saying neccessarily that it's because they don't like me, and then therefore want to associate with him more now I'm gone (although, yeah, there are a couple of people I could probably safely say that about) - but now they actually have to make the effort with him, because I'm not there to 'do it through' or whatever. I'm not covering him up, or standing in front of him anymore. This is good for him. I'm happy for him.
And yet, I can't shake this feeling.
maybe I need to get drunk so it goes away.
I think I also need some new friends.
He's got a gig tonight, which I'm hardly going to bother plugging, cos I know no one will turn up.... pffft. You (all of you) really do need to see them at some point though, but I can' t be bothered arguing the case 'for' at the moment. But I've gotten him pressies (well, one present, and then I'm going to try and find a cd on the way home for him too) and a little cup cake with a candle. I still have this overwhelming compulsion to make his birthday my responsibility - organising dinner with his brother... getting him a cake (however small)... I even considered taking the afternoon off work, so we could hang out... I had this idea that he wouldn't have anyone to share his day with, if not for me. Which, is not actually such an unreasonable thought - cos it has been largely that way for a while now.
Which is why, when I rang to finalise dinner plans, I felt really strange when I found out he was out with friends from the kids show he's doing, drinking. Dan never drinks - he's far too responsible usually... but it seems he's drinking today, as people were buying them for him - which has never happened before either. I felt wierd. A very very strange feeling. It was a little green around the edges, if you get what I mean. I felt somewhat weirder than when he told me that he had a crush on someone - because while that was quite an intense feeling, it was brief... whereas this one is lingering around, and making me feel not-so-nice. I think it's a mixture of things - one of them being that he's out with friends of mine (they're his friends too, obviously) but they're friends that I always feel very special if I see and hang out with (well, I feel special with all my friends, but these people have always been my 'cool crowd'... it's kinda pathetic really)... and two - he's not 'mine' any more. I mean, I knew that, but it's strange. I'm not what keeps his life together anymore... (I know this is small and pathetic, but I'm trying to explain it to myself so I can get over it).
and then there's this idea that people like him more now that I'm not with him. I mean, I know there are a couple of people who are going to be happy about it - but now he's being more included than he ever was before, and it's becuase i'm not there. I'm not saying neccessarily that it's because they don't like me, and then therefore want to associate with him more now I'm gone (although, yeah, there are a couple of people I could probably safely say that about) - but now they actually have to make the effort with him, because I'm not there to 'do it through' or whatever. I'm not covering him up, or standing in front of him anymore. This is good for him. I'm happy for him.
And yet, I can't shake this feeling.
maybe I need to get drunk so it goes away.
I think I also need some new friends.
posted by ekstasis at 4:35 PM
2 Comments:
You should play more Sims:)
touche
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