Another step forward

Dan came over last night. I msged him, cos I really needed a hug. That’s what I’ve discovered to be the really big thing that I miss most through all of this: the knowledge that when I come home from a long boring day at work, I’ve got someone to wrap their arms around me and just hold me for a while. Eugh I’m such a bloody girl. Fuck.

Anyway, so I msged him, and asked if he would like to come over for said hug. So he did, and it was really nice – I got a bit of a snuggle… all better. Then he tried to kiss me, and I pulled away – and we talked about how it wasn’t a good idea to keep doing all that stuff – it was ok to be touchy feely, but only friendly. And we both felt better about it all afterwards – and he said he was much more comfortable knowing that it wasn’t going to go anywhere, and then we could really just be comfortable with each other and not wonder if we were expected to go to the next level.

And then we just talked for ages – it was nice – I can’t really remember the last time he told me so much about his life in one hit… it was really nice. And then he mentioned this other girl that he’s met that he thinks is really cute: as in, he likes her. J I was happy to hear that – seeing as for the last 3 years, I’ve had crushes on guys left right and centre, and this is really the first time he’s admitted to having a crush on anyone to me. It was a strange feeling that I felt when I talked to him about it. I was extremely happy and pleased to hear about it, and excited for him, but it also made me feel slightly ill – but in this really funny way. Like, it didn’t really upset me, but I think it affected me more than I expected it to. But in this strange bitter-sweet way, that I’m not sure I understand. The point is, that I was happy for him, and that I wanted to hear more – and I wanted to give him advice on the best way to approach her and stuff: all in all, it really cemented the fact that we’re going to be ok being friends. In fact, as I said to him last night, we can probably be more honest with each other now than we could before – because this is a whole area not usually broached by partners.

I’m really happy that we’re making the transition to best friends well. I mean, who knows how I’ll feel about it all in a months time, but right now, I’m happy, and he seems to be happy, and we’re talking about things and making sure it’s not weird and that we know where the other stands and all that.

Ok: so maybe after all of that we ended up doing things that best friends aren’t really supposed to do, but we decided that it was only going to be this one time – and we weren’t going to be weird. I told him that my main concern is that if we’re fooling around and stuff, and he does end up meeting someone that he likes, I don’t want him to feel conflicted because he still has a thing going with me. (I’m not too concerned about myself, cos I’m not really looking for a relationship at the moment anyway).
It was really really nice last night. I felt happy, and well-adjusted.
I will no longer judge other peoples situations so harshy – as that was how I explained my reservations about this stuff to him – I don’t actually feel that weird about it, but I know if I heard about another couple doing this, then I would say that it was fucked and that they shouldn’t keep hanging on and all that stuff… and that’s what I keep saying in my head when I think about this stuff concerning him – ‘what would you say if you were looking objectively at this, if it were two other people’. But yeah, I think you can never really know how it is until you’re in the middle of the situation – and like I said before, I don’t think I’ll ever judge people so harshly any more for doing things like us. If we’re ok, and we’re talking about things, and we know where each other stand on the subject – and we’re comfortable with it, it shouldn’t be a problem.

I feel………………… different today…………………. Like something has changed in me………….. and it’s good