6 things I hate about myself
so, Richard Watts has tagged me! Lets all get angsty on the count of 3!
1, 2, GO!
1. I hate that I have a really big ego and low self esteem. I don’t know how it works, and it’s confusing – both for myself and others. Especially myself. I mean, do I think I’m the ducks nuts*, or not??? Make up my mind dammit!
2. I hate that I’m really ‘primary school’ when I have crushes on people that I don’t want to know that I like them. Like, I mean, I do the grown-up equivalent of pulling pig-tails and stuff. I always put them down, and make fun of things about them – to their face – that I actually really like and admire. I don’t know if I do it to try and stop myself from liking them more (and therefore protect myself from future rejection) or to make sure they will never feel the same about me (because of course, I don’t deserved to be liked – see above point re ‘low self esteem’) or to just hide my true feelings under a layer of sarcasm and facetious comments because my crush isn’t appropriate as they’re usually either gay or in a relationship (that always seems to be going fine, and NOT on the verge of breaking up… dammit) OR all of the above. I’ve been doing this a lot recently, and I hate that I do, because I usually do it all in a light-hearted joking way but I think all the jokes have actually gotten to some of them and I didn’t really mean for that to happen. Now I just want to be friends with them cos I like them so much that I just want to be around them, (admittedly it’s hard not to think about having hot-hot sex with them all the time, but hey, I can live with that) but I think I’ve scared/fucked them off… so there goes that idea.
I hate that.
3. I hate that I feel the need to boast about my sexual exploits**. For some reason I seem to think that if I tell people about it, I’ll seem cool – even though as soon as I say it out loud, I just feel trashy and self centered. I hate that I need constant validation. Sorry, I know that’s technically two. So sue me.
4. I hate my stretch-marks. They’re big and some of them are red, and they’re ugly. Some of them are starting to go away as I loose weight, but there is always going to be scars. I’ll never have a truly sexy stomach, no matter how small I get.
5. I hate how fickle I can be about people/friends. Put me in front of Person A and I’ll be as nice and friendly as I can possibly be. Put me in front of Person B who dislikes Person A, and I’ll bitch about them till the cows come home. Problem is – I mean it each time. I’m not faking it with either person. I just change my mind really easily. Or, I have the ability to have two conflicting ideas about the one person at the same time. I did this a lot with my parents when I was younger, and I created a lot of situations that could have been avoided if I’d just made my damn mind up.
6. I hate that I’m not more interesting. These were all so cliché.
And now I tag Jumpin’, Damian (aka Super D), Gun Street Girl, Idahorn, People in Glass Houses and Angry As Bastard (even though he probably will refuse to do this, cos he’s far better than us and above this shit). Youse guys have to say 6 things that you hate about yourself as well, and then tag 6 others blah blah… you know the drill.
*why are the ‘ducks nuts’ supposed to be good? I’ve never understood that…
** like, for example, the fact that I had the best sex of my life on Sat night... hehehe. With 'date-boy' (Theo) - we didn't need to go on the awkward date after all, caught up with people we both knew (so had comfortable-making buffers) and he of course came back to mine for a night of good times. My God. We both agreed that we were respectively the best people we'd ever slept with ever...
1, 2, GO!
1. I hate that I have a really big ego and low self esteem. I don’t know how it works, and it’s confusing – both for myself and others. Especially myself. I mean, do I think I’m the ducks nuts*, or not??? Make up my mind dammit!
2. I hate that I’m really ‘primary school’ when I have crushes on people that I don’t want to know that I like them. Like, I mean, I do the grown-up equivalent of pulling pig-tails and stuff. I always put them down, and make fun of things about them – to their face – that I actually really like and admire. I don’t know if I do it to try and stop myself from liking them more (and therefore protect myself from future rejection) or to make sure they will never feel the same about me (because of course, I don’t deserved to be liked – see above point re ‘low self esteem’) or to just hide my true feelings under a layer of sarcasm and facetious comments because my crush isn’t appropriate as they’re usually either gay or in a relationship (that always seems to be going fine, and NOT on the verge of breaking up… dammit) OR all of the above. I’ve been doing this a lot recently, and I hate that I do, because I usually do it all in a light-hearted joking way but I think all the jokes have actually gotten to some of them and I didn’t really mean for that to happen. Now I just want to be friends with them cos I like them so much that I just want to be around them, (admittedly it’s hard not to think about having hot-hot sex with them all the time, but hey, I can live with that) but I think I’ve scared/fucked them off… so there goes that idea.
I hate that.
3. I hate that I feel the need to boast about my sexual exploits**. For some reason I seem to think that if I tell people about it, I’ll seem cool – even though as soon as I say it out loud, I just feel trashy and self centered. I hate that I need constant validation. Sorry, I know that’s technically two. So sue me.
4. I hate my stretch-marks. They’re big and some of them are red, and they’re ugly. Some of them are starting to go away as I loose weight, but there is always going to be scars. I’ll never have a truly sexy stomach, no matter how small I get.
5. I hate how fickle I can be about people/friends. Put me in front of Person A and I’ll be as nice and friendly as I can possibly be. Put me in front of Person B who dislikes Person A, and I’ll bitch about them till the cows come home. Problem is – I mean it each time. I’m not faking it with either person. I just change my mind really easily. Or, I have the ability to have two conflicting ideas about the one person at the same time. I did this a lot with my parents when I was younger, and I created a lot of situations that could have been avoided if I’d just made my damn mind up.
6. I hate that I’m not more interesting. These were all so cliché.
And now I tag Jumpin’, Damian (aka Super D), Gun Street Girl, Idahorn, People in Glass Houses and Angry As Bastard (even though he probably will refuse to do this, cos he’s far better than us and above this shit). Youse guys have to say 6 things that you hate about yourself as well, and then tag 6 others blah blah… you know the drill.
*why are the ‘ducks nuts’ supposed to be good? I’ve never understood that…
** like, for example, the fact that I had the best sex of my life on Sat night... hehehe. With 'date-boy' (Theo) - we didn't need to go on the awkward date after all, caught up with people we both knew (so had comfortable-making buffers) and he of course came back to mine for a night of good times. My God. We both agreed that we were respectively the best people we'd ever slept with ever...
posted by ekstasis at 12:48 PM
6 Comments:
ooh touchy.
I never said you said it.
maybe I was referring to me absolute awe at your angry-ness?
:)
persona's? I don't understand... I'm too stupid...
I never understood "ducks nuts" being a replacement for top shit. Mel sells it when she says it, but just thinking about using it myself... I would get such weird looks.
I had my crack at this, you think yours is cliché... fuck. At least yours seems honest, I read mine and I hate myself -- OH HO -- for being unable to dig a little deeper.
I don't think Jess will do this, I'm curious to see how hers would read given she's got such a positive outlook in general. She told me to do a list of things I like about myself to even everything out, I wish I knew how to talk myself up.
But I'm too good in general for that -- OH HO HO!
Man, I need to catch up on these sexual exploits!!
But what a depressing reason for an entry... six things you hate about yourself?!
*runs off to do it on livejournal*
Nah, can't be arsed.
Things I hate about myself number 1 - far too lazy.
Woop woop
Seeing you soon!!
CONTROVERSIAL!
seems like we've finally gotten to that stage in our blogging friendships where we can start hanging shit on each other - 'who will take it at face value, and who's little souls shall be destroyed by the biting commentary?!?!?!'
that damn vaccum again... shit.
:)
Damian: I'm not sure if it's a good thing that I'll spill my guts at the drop of a hat... I don't know if people should really be let into my inner gut-ness...
Mind you (and I'm writing this without having read urs yet) I would like dig a little deeper into you... erm... um... that isn't supposed to sound how it sounds... I mean, I would love to find out what makes you tick.
(and a list of things that you like about yourself is even more cliche! group hug)
-->STEF STEF STEFFIE LUUURVE!!!<--
To be honest, that cut lunch analogy hit me where it hurt. Sorry I'm so touchy about it, but I've had some rather painful experiences with similar situations in the past, and your post just rubbed salt into the old wounds.
Now, gardening metaphors I have no problem with. They also give way to a lot more innuendo too.. 'Cutting things a little fine', 'tools need sharpening', etc. Endless possibilities.
hey angry,
no. no she doesn't. and I don't reccomend you showing it to her either, thanks all the same.
although - I have told her that our house is embarking upon 'fuckapalooza' (which was my way of saying 'me' without saying "me") to which her response was "oh yeah, I hear that's what you young kids are into now".
but that's surreal.
say hi to her for me!
(you see her more than I do)
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