Another Sordid Story
I've got another one!
it's weird writing about it after every weekend... I wonder if people are judging me or if they don't care. All I know is that recently I've gotten the most amount of comments I've gotten in a while, so whatever it is that people are thinking of me - it's generating a response.
I have to say, also, that possibly contrary to popular belief - I don't just sleep with anyone... I want that cleared up. I know it might sound like it a little - and sure, in all honestly I'll probably kiss just about anyone (at least once) but the whole sex thing is a different thing. I've never slept with anyone that I regretted (well... that's not true at all actually, but there was a different circumstance there).
So, having prefaced this post with that little disclaimer - I'll get right into the dirty stuff! ;)
Friday night was AWESOME. I actually was good on stage, which was.... weird. I got heaps of great feedback from everyone - and from people who I never would have expected it from as well... Like Richard! Had this 5 min conversation (which, when it's all just stroking your ego, is a long time) about how impressed he was with my performance, and how he thought I kept getting better and better, and how I held it together well on stage - which was an absolutely phenominal conversation for me. Richard is one of those people who I admire immensly... and after living with him for a while and the nastyness that we've had for a while, it was nice to finally be back to real friends with him. Like I said - I got heaps of great feedback from lots of others as well, which was really really really really nice, and it gives me much more confidence! (although, having said that - I don't recommend anyone coming to the Theatre Games... I think it's going to be SHIT).
Jess, Cindy, Simon and Kim (all from my work) came, which was really cool as well. Tom (my housie) came as well, but he left right after my little bit - more important places to be. Simon also left halfway through the night - which was ok, but I'm sorry for him cos I think he would have absolutely LOVED the last piece... just his kind of thing - thoughroughly fucked up and uber offensive. (He's really a nice guy tho!) :) Jess and Cindy left and didn't stay for drinks - but somewhat surprisingly Kim stayed around and nabbed as many free wines as we could, before we all headed over the road to the Order of Melbourne and started what turned out to be a very big night.
It was weird - I was just talking to Kim for a while, and it didn't seem like much time had passed, but after a while I looked up and half the group had gone and there was only a few of us left - and no one had said goodbye! bastards! It was a very deep conversation about all sorts of stuff. I always laugh at Kim at work, because he always has these rants - and I expect at least one rant a day, on any number of subjects - usually politics. Anyhoo, I'd gotten some pills for Rich, and after a small group discussion we decided we would all have a little. I asked Kim if he wanted some, which sparked a conversation about how my tactic with my friends is just to drug them up and 'get with them' (I wasn't being serious, but I was joking about how I don't really need the E to be uninhibbited, but it's a good excuse if everyone around you is on it as well...) To which he said something along the lines of - 'can I tell you something?', to which I said something to the tune of 'I don't know, is it going to sting?' - because of the whole conversation we had at the pub two weeks ago about how if Jess had my personality he would be a dibbling mess around her... blah blah blah - there was alot, that I can't be bothered going into. And he said (something very romantic) "I'd really like to give you one", and I promptly replied "I thought you only fucked skinny girls!"
This sparked this very long conversation - half of which still made me want to stick my fingers down my throat and vomit untill I was thin, and the other half of which made me want to fuck him even more (for numerous reasons i should add... NOT just that he'd hurt my fragile ego - although that was one of them). He said he really likes me (likes my personality), I told him that he can't fuck my personality - and he apparently dissagrees. None of this made me feel particularly sexy, but I did end up sitting on his lap and pashing. This is the point in the evening that everyone else left, leaving just the two of us still talking about all this stuff. I have to say, aside from everything else, I admire his honesty. Even if it is a little pathetic - at least he actually says 'I like you but I don't like your body. I'm ashamed at myself for that, but it's how I feel' (I paraphrased), unlike other people which do the whole "noooooooo, you're beauuuuutifuuuuuul......." and it's so fake you could punch them.
I ended up going back to his place though, which was new for me - and we had the most intense sex I've ever had. I didn't really feel like my usual sex-goddess self, for a couple of reasons - one being that I didn't know how to work his 'equipment'. He's the most different to any of the other guys I've been with, and I couldn't get a feel for it. I think this had something to do with the fact that he has his penis pierced with a very very very large thick bar - something I've certainly never encountered before and didn't really know what to do with. He had a very very very large thick penis too... (just thought I'd add that in).
But it was all amazing - we just fucked and slept all through Saturday, and finally got out of bed at like 6 or 7pm or something and ordered pizza... hung out for a while, then he came back to my house!
Sun morn he drove me into the city and this is how we left it: casually meaningful - which I'm not entirely sure of the meaning of... but we'll see. He knows about Si (who I got literally 20 missed calls from on Friday night!) and he knows about fuckapalooza - but I think I'll have to be careful - even if just for the fact that we work together-together - he's in the warehouse with me. I think he's worried that I'm going to fall in love with him (which is more than a little presumptuous - and it's not ever going to happen, I know) and he said something about falling in love easily himself - so maybe that might be one to be careful of.
He did tell me I was beautiful.
I found it a little uncomfortable to sit down yesterday.....
it's weird writing about it after every weekend... I wonder if people are judging me or if they don't care. All I know is that recently I've gotten the most amount of comments I've gotten in a while, so whatever it is that people are thinking of me - it's generating a response.
I have to say, also, that possibly contrary to popular belief - I don't just sleep with anyone... I want that cleared up. I know it might sound like it a little - and sure, in all honestly I'll probably kiss just about anyone (at least once) but the whole sex thing is a different thing. I've never slept with anyone that I regretted (well... that's not true at all actually, but there was a different circumstance there).
So, having prefaced this post with that little disclaimer - I'll get right into the dirty stuff! ;)
Friday night was AWESOME. I actually was good on stage, which was.... weird. I got heaps of great feedback from everyone - and from people who I never would have expected it from as well... Like Richard! Had this 5 min conversation (which, when it's all just stroking your ego, is a long time) about how impressed he was with my performance, and how he thought I kept getting better and better, and how I held it together well on stage - which was an absolutely phenominal conversation for me. Richard is one of those people who I admire immensly... and after living with him for a while and the nastyness that we've had for a while, it was nice to finally be back to real friends with him. Like I said - I got heaps of great feedback from lots of others as well, which was really really really really nice, and it gives me much more confidence! (although, having said that - I don't recommend anyone coming to the Theatre Games... I think it's going to be SHIT).
Jess, Cindy, Simon and Kim (all from my work) came, which was really cool as well. Tom (my housie) came as well, but he left right after my little bit - more important places to be. Simon also left halfway through the night - which was ok, but I'm sorry for him cos I think he would have absolutely LOVED the last piece... just his kind of thing - thoughroughly fucked up and uber offensive. (He's really a nice guy tho!) :) Jess and Cindy left and didn't stay for drinks - but somewhat surprisingly Kim stayed around and nabbed as many free wines as we could, before we all headed over the road to the Order of Melbourne and started what turned out to be a very big night.
It was weird - I was just talking to Kim for a while, and it didn't seem like much time had passed, but after a while I looked up and half the group had gone and there was only a few of us left - and no one had said goodbye! bastards! It was a very deep conversation about all sorts of stuff. I always laugh at Kim at work, because he always has these rants - and I expect at least one rant a day, on any number of subjects - usually politics. Anyhoo, I'd gotten some pills for Rich, and after a small group discussion we decided we would all have a little. I asked Kim if he wanted some, which sparked a conversation about how my tactic with my friends is just to drug them up and 'get with them' (I wasn't being serious, but I was joking about how I don't really need the E to be uninhibbited, but it's a good excuse if everyone around you is on it as well...) To which he said something along the lines of - 'can I tell you something?', to which I said something to the tune of 'I don't know, is it going to sting?' - because of the whole conversation we had at the pub two weeks ago about how if Jess had my personality he would be a dibbling mess around her... blah blah blah - there was alot, that I can't be bothered going into. And he said (something very romantic) "I'd really like to give you one", and I promptly replied "I thought you only fucked skinny girls!"
This sparked this very long conversation - half of which still made me want to stick my fingers down my throat and vomit untill I was thin, and the other half of which made me want to fuck him even more (for numerous reasons i should add... NOT just that he'd hurt my fragile ego - although that was one of them). He said he really likes me (likes my personality), I told him that he can't fuck my personality - and he apparently dissagrees. None of this made me feel particularly sexy, but I did end up sitting on his lap and pashing. This is the point in the evening that everyone else left, leaving just the two of us still talking about all this stuff. I have to say, aside from everything else, I admire his honesty. Even if it is a little pathetic - at least he actually says 'I like you but I don't like your body. I'm ashamed at myself for that, but it's how I feel' (I paraphrased), unlike other people which do the whole "noooooooo, you're beauuuuutifuuuuuul......." and it's so fake you could punch them.
I ended up going back to his place though, which was new for me - and we had the most intense sex I've ever had. I didn't really feel like my usual sex-goddess self, for a couple of reasons - one being that I didn't know how to work his 'equipment'. He's the most different to any of the other guys I've been with, and I couldn't get a feel for it. I think this had something to do with the fact that he has his penis pierced with a very very very large thick bar - something I've certainly never encountered before and didn't really know what to do with. He had a very very very large thick penis too... (just thought I'd add that in).
But it was all amazing - we just fucked and slept all through Saturday, and finally got out of bed at like 6 or 7pm or something and ordered pizza... hung out for a while, then he came back to my house!
Sun morn he drove me into the city and this is how we left it: casually meaningful - which I'm not entirely sure of the meaning of... but we'll see. He knows about Si (who I got literally 20 missed calls from on Friday night!) and he knows about fuckapalooza - but I think I'll have to be careful - even if just for the fact that we work together-together - he's in the warehouse with me. I think he's worried that I'm going to fall in love with him (which is more than a little presumptuous - and it's not ever going to happen, I know) and he said something about falling in love easily himself - so maybe that might be one to be careful of.
He did tell me I was beautiful.
I found it a little uncomfortable to sit down yesterday.....
posted by ekstasis at 12:55 PM
11 Comments:
Good to see Fuckapalooza is well and truly under way. Just make sure you develop any feelings for these creatures.. That's a sure fire way to bring about your downfall.
*don't develop.
So, wait... he went from telling you that he likes your personality but not your body to saying you're beautiful? Smooth. I'm not sure I get this entry, it sounds like you got trashed and fucked this guy that isn't completely attracted to you, and it was like woo yeah (thanks for the unnecessarily detailed penis description, by the way) but... you seem to be trying to justify a lot of the decisions you're writing about ("never slept with anyone and regretted it" -- "okay I have but that was different").
I hope for your sake that he's not the type to fall in love easily, though at the same time it sounds like he might be and that makes it interesting. I don't know how to read this "you're beautiful" comment. I mean, he was straight up about not being physically attracted to you, you said so yourself. Next thing he's bedding you, so... what? He's felt this way all along but didn't realize it? Or he did and didn't want to say it because it was more fun being a smartass? Was he just throwing you a bone because he thought you'd earned it? Is he just into James Blunt right now?
Anyone that changes their opinion on someone after the fact ("Geez, I'm spent... now that you've given me a good rogering, I don't mind your looks") is a regret in the making, as far as I think.
Well said.
Dude...
I'm not sure what to say to that...
It would be dishonest of me if I didn't say "ew" though...
I've never slept with anyone that I regretted (well... that's not true at all actually, but there was a different circumstance there)
this is a reference to the fact that I cheated on Dan... not the actual guy. I regret doing it because it hurt someone else, but I don't regret the actual event so much.
Just to clear that up.
hm.
how to explain this?
ok.
I feel I don't have a good body. Society tells me that I'm fat, and no matter how many people say 'noooo you've got a gorgeous body, big is beautiful' blah blah the fact is that in terms of stereo-types and soceity, I'm not considered attractive in that way.
I'm not saying I think I'm ugly - in fact, I think I'm pretty - but in the face... and in the 'personality' if that makes any sense.
I'm not saying that I think that no one could ever find me attractive, but if we're all going to be honest, more people are going to be put off by my weight than turned on by it.
My consolation to myself with all of this is that I think I'm pretty talented in the bedroom, and I hope that I'm fun to be around - this gives me the confidence to be with people, because I feel that even though I might not be able to turn them on visually, I have other talents. If I didn't have this to reconcile everything with, I wouldn't have the self esteem to do what I want to do.
I've had people say that it's sad that I think about myself this way - but honestly, how else is someone supposed to overcome the things about themselves that they don't like. I can't just suddenly say "ok, I'm going to be ok with my body starting... NOW" because no matter how much I say it, deep down inside I won't believe it.
Now, what I appreciate about this whole situation is that someone is coming from the same place I am. He doesn't think I've got a great body either, but he was interested by me, and intruiged in finding out if I lived up to all my sex talk (He hasn't said this, but I'm assuming).
I talk about sex alot - and I do it on purpose so that people will see me as a sexual person... I want to be seen as a sexual person - even considering my physical inhibitions.
I'm not saying that it's not dissapointing that it is an issue for this guy, but this whole thing is not just me fucking him to prove something to one or both of us.
On the flip side of the coin I find him far too skinny for my liking and it's a bit wierd - but he's a great fuck and I like hanging out with him, so I'm willing to overlook that one thing...
I will never want a relationship with him - but it's fun for the minuite.
I hope this doesn't sound like a justification - becuase it's not - it's an explanation.
I do see how it sounds a bit wierd tho - and it probably is more than a bit wierd... but I'm having fun, so does it really matter?
Sounds like a great time! Sleeping with guys who don't find you attractive, wondering why friends start screwing you around after you've fucked them..
I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing.. Especially when Fuckapalooza is the name of the game. But can you really be surprised when the perception people have of you, and the way they treat you starts to change?
If it's fun you're having, then giddy up. But I gotta tell you, I've never heard such a long-winded justification for having fun in all my life.
Well said.
I don't feel like I'm justifying - I'm just explaining what's going through my head.
I don't think that because you fuck people it means they're more likely to fuck you around... That's such a stereotype about a 'tragic slut' which is not the role I'm playing at the moment.
to clarify, I mean I'm not a 'tradgic slut' in that whole
"ooooh look at her, she just wants to be loved so she gives those men what she thinks they want from her, but hence is unable to make a real connection with them, and they see her as nothing but a warm hole and treat her accordingly, isn't it sad and pathetic? Aren't all men really bastards deep down inside? She's so weak and vulnerable and they're taking advantage of her..."
eugh
I should have leant by now not to have these conversations via txt... you'll never get my real tone... and the fact that I find your observations fun... I mean - that's why I write about this stuff in the first place - I want people to spark...
I do want y'all to understand me tho... and that's going to be the hard bit....
should I just stop talking about this now??
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