general not-sureness

sooooooooooo
updates
on things:

Theatre Collective (theatre in bars) is really moving along - we've decided to put on a play in August, so Pinky and I are reading some scripts and will decide what we want to do in the next few days - and then audition next week... yes - next week! I'd really really like to do 'Closer' but it's been so done recently - with the movie and there have been a couple of productions of it done as well.... but it's the best script out of what I've read so far. It will probably end up being 'Sexual Peversion in Chicago' (which, surprisingly wasn't my idea) but I'm not sure there would be a part in that one for me, which sucks balls (well, there's not really a part for me in Closer either) and it's not as good. Mainly just stupid guys talking about tits and arse... yay.

I still don't know what I'm doing for fringe - if anything. I'm going to talk to Matt about it, cos I don't really know how to go about developing something... and I keep going up and down in confidence about my writing ability... so it scares me. It would be better if I already had something that I'd written, but as it is, I have a couple of snippets of something that aren't really anything and I don't know what to do. If anyone has something they'd like to pass along for a performance to be done at Fringe, it would be cool... y'know - all you writers out there in blog-land...

Still been seeing Kim (well only on the weekend). I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing there... at all really. I really like the sex - but he's really not going well for my self-esteem, so a part of me thinks I should fuck him off, but another part of me says I'm strong enough not to let his shit affect me. I don't know how it's going really. I still like to think that I appreciate his honesty - but I wish he'd never said some of the stuff he's said.
Like on friday we went out for work drinks, and people were joking about starting rumours about him and me (without knowing that anythings been going on) and I told them what he had told me - that he likes girls to be skinnier than me etc etc etc, and all the guys were telling me how cool and interesting I was - and I said what I had said to Kim - that you can't fuck a personality.. and they were saying stuff like I 'have more personality than anyone else, more intellect than anyone else, and more body than anyone else!' and stuff like that. Then one guy was asking me how much more weight I'd like to loose - which was 20kgs (please don't gasp or anything - according to my weight and height that would get me to about what I should be) and Kim said "if she was 20gks lighter I'd ask her to marry me".
I don't like this feeling that I'm some sort of experiment in him seeing what it's like to be with a big chick or about him overcoming his stigmas...
on the other hand, I like the way I feel when we have sex - cos it's good... I like the way he makes me feel... what's the word? Safe? not quite... but he often puts his hand on my head as he's hugging me, and puts his arm around my shoulders when I'm coughing or something... it's comforting or something like that - so I'm finding it hard to be clear about what I want.

I also caught him looking me in that kind of way a couple of times... maybe it was nothing, but it looked like that look you get when you feel something more than casualness for someone... which is a little disconcerting! I don't want him to get the wrong impression about whats going on - and as I've recently discovered with Si, just cos you say one thing at the start, doesn't mean that's what they mean. It's what I mean... I'm always honest with everyone - more than honest! Brutally honest if you ask me... I couldn't be clearer about what I want... but I guess it's hard not to let it get complicated...

I think people at work might have figured out whats going on now. We left together on Friday for one thing, and then on Sunday he got a lift from a dude who just quit/got fired only a few days back, and he had another girl from work in the car with him who he's been seeing - so it's not half obvious when they come to my house (which Luke's been to before) to get Kim... and of course he gave me a quick kiss before he left... so it's going to be interesting to see what happens tomorrow at work!