6 things I hate about myself

so, Richard Watts has tagged me! Lets all get angsty on the count of 3!
1, 2, GO!


1. I hate that I have a really big ego and low self esteem. I don’t know how it works, and it’s confusing – both for myself and others. Especially myself. I mean, do I think I’m the ducks nuts*, or not??? Make up my mind dammit!

2. I hate that I’m really ‘primary school’ when I have crushes on people that I don’t want to know that I like them. Like, I mean, I do the grown-up equivalent of pulling pig-tails and stuff. I always put them down, and make fun of things about them – to their face – that I actually really like and admire. I don’t know if I do it to try and stop myself from liking them more (and therefore protect myself from future rejection) or to make sure they will never feel the same about me (because of course, I don’t deserved to be liked – see above point re ‘low self esteem’) or to just hide my true feelings under a layer of sarcasm and facetious comments because my crush isn’t appropriate as they’re usually either gay or in a relationship (that always seems to be going fine, and NOT on the verge of breaking up… dammit) OR all of the above. I’ve been doing this a lot recently, and I hate that I do, because I usually do it all in a light-hearted joking way but I think all the jokes have actually gotten to some of them and I didn’t really mean for that to happen. Now I just want to be friends with them cos I like them so much that I just want to be around them, (admittedly it’s hard not to think about having hot-hot sex with them all the time, but hey, I can live with that) but I think I’ve scared/fucked them off… so there goes that idea.
I hate that.

3. I hate that I feel the need to boast about my sexual exploits**. For some reason I seem to think that if I tell people about it, I’ll seem cool – even though as soon as I say it out loud, I just feel trashy and self centered. I hate that I need constant validation. Sorry, I know that’s technically two. So sue me.

4. I hate my stretch-marks. They’re big and some of them are red, and they’re ugly. Some of them are starting to go away as I loose weight, but there is always going to be scars. I’ll never have a truly sexy stomach, no matter how small I get.

5. I hate how fickle I can be about people/friends. Put me in front of Person A and I’ll be as nice and friendly as I can possibly be. Put me in front of Person B who dislikes Person A, and I’ll bitch about them till the cows come home. Problem is – I mean it each time. I’m not faking it with either person. I just change my mind really easily. Or, I have the ability to have two conflicting ideas about the one person at the same time. I did this a lot with my parents when I was younger, and I created a lot of situations that could have been avoided if I’d just made my damn mind up.

6. I hate that I’m not more interesting. These were all so cliché.

And now I tag Jumpin’, Damian (aka Super D), Gun Street Girl, Idahorn, People in Glass Houses and Angry As Bastard (even though he probably will refuse to do this, cos he’s far better than us and above this shit). Youse guys have to say 6 things that you hate about yourself as well, and then tag 6 others blah blah… you know the drill.


*why are the ‘ducks nuts’ supposed to be good? I’ve never understood that…
** like, for example, the fact that I had the best sex of my life on Sat night... hehehe. With 'date-boy' (Theo) - we didn't need to go on the awkward date after all, caught up with people we both knew (so had comfortable-making buffers) and he of course came back to mine for a night of good times. My God. We both agreed that we were respectively the best people we'd ever slept with ever...

Odd Spot #326

"The oyster is usually ambisexual. It begins life as a male and becomes a female. It may go back and forth many times."

lusty poem

an orgasmic sigh
is what I'll cry
if you come by
come by next time
I'll suck you dry
again, no lie
a night with I
cum by
cum Si

buckle in OR: this is a long one

Drum roll please:

I have a DATE for tomorrow night.
And I’m not referring to the often dried fruit that many enjoy as a healthy snack.
I mean a proper, going out, DATE
With a PERSON
A BOY to be precise.
(Another one, for those who are keeping count. Keeping count? I’m not…)

Ok, so I’ll start at the beginning:

Saturday was Willz’s 21st party, to which Si and I were both going. I dressed up in my corset – I thought it was a good excuse to bring it out again, and I was excited to show Si, as I’d told him a lot about it, and I wanted to have hot-hot corset sex… of course – who wouldn’t? I got there early with the girls though, and Si didn’t turn up till much later – in the mean time, I was left to talk to a huge group of people that I don’t know, being as it were, Will’s party and not my own.
I was introduced to a couple of other ‘floaters’ as I called us – people who didn’t know many other people, and this one guy in particular was very nice. At one point I was talking to Mel and her cousins, and I looked and saw him sitting on the couch all on his lonesome – now, I’m normally a pretty shy person, contrary to popular belief, and if I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again – I’m a bit of a social retard, so talking to new people without a buffer is the kind of thing that makes me shit my proverbial pants. BUT I mustered up all my courage – admittedly a lot easier wearing my armor-of-the-corset which is like an instant confidence booster – and went over and sat and started talking with him. Like a normal person (Shock!). Turns out he does student theatre at La Trobe, and has done musical theatre and all that stuff – and I was talking to him about a new collective that’s starting at RMIT and an improv night that’s going to get started soon.
->sorry, I’m rambling aren’t I? I’m going to try to stick to the important information<-
He had recently been broken up with by his long term girlfriend, and so (of course) I had to tell him about fuck-a-palooza, (really, I probably would have mentioned it anyway, it tends to come up in conversation with me quite a bit recently) and the benefits it has for getting over a sore break-up. He was intrigued (of course). Because of this break-up, his friends were throwing him a bit of a party that night, to celebrate his recent ‘singleness’ and so he had to leave the party early – so at the end, I said I should get his no. to let him know about theatre stuff (What balls! What brass! I’ve never been this kind of person before… just asking for phone numbers – oh how times are changing!), and he agreed.
I went to put him in my phone, and the following conversation took place:

ME: When I put someone new in my phone I usually put a word next to their name so I can remember who they are, so what would you like your word to be?
T: call me
ME: hahaha [slightly uncomfortable but very excited] that won’t help me remember
T: oh, there are so many of us are there?
ME: how about ‘21st’? Or… ‘theatre’?
T: call me
ME: I’m actually pretty shy, so the chances of me calling are actually pretty slim… [shuffle]
T: then text me or something
ME: [grinning like an idiot – trying to make it look more sexy and not quite so idiotic… not sure if that was successful]

SO Sunday I txted him, asking how his bachelor party went, and if he’d kicked off fuck-a-palooza yet or not, to which he replied “not yet, I was thinking there was some merit in starting where the idea came from”. To which I said that was a very very good idea – and after a whole lot of back-ing and forth-ing we set up a date for tomorrow night.
àsorry, that took a really long time to get to the point/punch-line didn’t it?ß

Now, my next question (or, is this the first question?) – what the HELL do people do on dates?!?!?!?! I’ve never been on one, let along a fuck-a-palooza date – which is pretty much just killing time until one of us goes back to the others house, right? I have no idea… and it’s more than a little nervous making.

On another topic (well, we’re still talking about boys, which is really my only topic of late) I was really annoyed with Si that night. He did eventually come, already more than a little tipsy. He did have the sense to tell me I looked hot (actually, he’s particularly good like that – he really knows how to give a compliment) but then he went straight to the (free) bar and proceeded to get massively, messily, fucked-upily drunk. He was literally just sculling glasses of champagne and generally acting like a bit of a dick. I was getting really miffed with him at the party and eventually he had sufficiently killed my mood that I just wanted to go home, and so had to pretty much drag/carry him all the way down Brunswick st to get him back to my place. SO many times during that journey I was ready to walk off on him and just leave him wandering down the middle of the road (standing in front of cars cos he thought it was funny…) but at the same time, he really is a good friend (if nothing else) and I wanted to make sure he was ok. I can’t even begin to describe how annoyed I was with him though… at one point we were walking past the council housing flats and I asked if we could please keep moving cos I was a little freaked out by that area and didn’t want to hang around, so I started walking down the street, and he was walking behind me calling out “HEROIN! HEROIN! ALIA! HEROIN!” “DEATH! DEEEAAATH!” He doesn’t remember much about getting home, surprisingly. He then passed out on my bed (when I finally got him there) halfway through rolling a joint, with a little ball of pot and the filter lying on his chest.
So much for the hot-hot corset sex!
It was really sad, cos it really spoiled a really nice day that we’d had together hanging out on Bruns St (although there’s another story that goes with that one – but I think I’ll save it for another time, I can almost hear the water glazing over your eyes from the already lengthy post). I was totally over it, and I was even thinking of saying ‘thanks but no thanks anymore’ but I do really like him when he’s not like that… so I think I’ll just be taking a big step back – I mean, we’ve been seeing a SERIOUSLY large amount of each other, especially for people that are supposed to be ‘casual’… He did come over last night to do a bit more training (he’s teaching me Jujitsu… it’s really really cool) but he didn’t stay over and if it weren’t for the training, I wouldn’t have wanted to catch up. We did have a really good conversation last night though, and I’ve come to the very big conclusion that he’s going to be a really really close mate, no matter what else happens. I think he’s a really cool guy, except for the alcoholism, and while I don’t think he’s ‘boyfriend material’ – even though I don’t really know what that is anyway – I think maybe a LONG time in the future after he’s sorted out all his shit, and I’ve sorted out all my shit, we could have something real between us. But, we’re talking a LONG time in the future…
I also cleared up the ‘casual’ thing with him finally. It’s now been said out-loud, and said definitely that we’re both allowed to see other people if we want – and that it really is definitely, most positively casual – even though it’s been extremely ‘frequently casual’ so far. He said that I could have just gone out with other people and not told him – but I said I didn’t want to feel like I was doing it behind his back, and I needed to make sure that it was all ok. I didn’t want to feel like I was cheating on someone (again) cos it’s not a nice feeling at all. I haven’t told him about the date though. Now that I know it’s all out in the open, I really don’t think he needs to know the particular details…

THERE
SHEESH
That was one hell of a textual dump.

It’s ok – I’ll stop now (that is if anyone’s still reading anyway – don’t worry, I won’t blame you if you gave up after the first couple of paragraphs… but then you’ll never know that if you didn’t read down this far… will you?)

For anyone that’s interested, this post was 1,551 words long, which is about the length of a small art-history essay. I hope you learnt a lot. I’ll include footnotes and bibliography later.

PARTY PICS

due to popular request (ok, so one person mentioned it in passing) here are a few selected pics, and these are the ones that I didn't look QUITE as bad in... so you can imagine the atrocities that were omitted...


I'm not sure at what point of the evening this was taken... I'm looking a tad fucked tho is all I can say...

there was some m&m dancing in my lounge - good times

hamish... ah lovely hamish...

Super D and Jess - she was alot happier than that if you were actually there in person

me under boys tee hee

not sure: don't even ask

pretty much sums up my entire relationship with Him I think

me and michael - aww

even later, looking even more fucked which I didn't think was possible... but there you go. It wouldn't be such a bad photo, but for the eyes. Man, what was I ON that night? oh, that's right...

cats out of the bag

*belated sigh of relief*

for about 3 weeks now I’ve kind of been seeing someone in a very casual/not-so-casual manner.

There I said it.

I’ve been holding on for soooo long now – I wasn’t allowed to say for a while – I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone, cos it’s a big secret.

But now, finally, the last person who was of concern has been told – and it’s all out in the open. Well, actually not out in the open at all – still majorly big secrets from anyone here at work who’s not part of my ‘click’. (No pun intended D)

Problem is, I’ve been holding on to it for so long, and not let myself blog about it for so long, that now I think I’ve lost the impetus… weird huh? All the first rush/flush stuff seems like ages ago, so it’s not really that exciting to talk about again… and the more recent stuff is just kinda boring, and I’m a little bit over it all….
Maybe I’m just in a flat mood today – but yeah.

My ‘Casual Fling’ always seems to come across as much more serious than that, which is not what I want at all – and, no offence to the lovely guy that he is – he’s just not what I would want in a long-term partner. Mind you, I can’t really think of anyone who fit’s that description at the moment – because I can’t fathom the idea of being with someone like that at the moment. At all.
Plus, my CF has major issues with a lot of things – and the good thing is that he’s starting to change his behavior a little recently (not drinking as much, but still a lot, not smoking as much weed) – but the bad thing is that I think he’s doing it for me, more than himself – which is a lot of responsibility on my part. Or, rephrase that – I think he does want to do it for himself, but he’s not able to unless he’s got someone (me) there to distract him from all of it, and help him remember to not ‘fall off the wagon’ so to speak. Good on him, I say, but I don’t really care if my CF gets high all the time – I do care when they drink too much, and then can’t ‘perform’ in bed, which has happened more than once now, but don’t not drink like you’re doing me a favour! I’ve managed to get him over his sex hang-ups though, which I’m proud of. Or, most of them anyway. So I’m proud of that. I like to think of myself as a service to the community really… hehehe

He gets along well with all my friends though. And he’s fun to hang around when he’s not completely pissed… although the conversation doesn’t always come easily with us when we’re on our own. No matter what I want him in my circle of friends for good – he’s such a nice guy.

What am I even talking about? I don’t even know… I think I’m just expressing random thoughts that are passing through my head at the minute.

He’s fucking hot though. Such amazing blue eyes… and a sexy sexy body. I think he’s got my ideal body really (not that I don’t like all manner of shapes and sizes) – wonderful arms and shoulders and hips and stomach and and and and and phew… he’s just hot.
And such a sweetie.

But I’m fucked so this is all I can be bothered writing at the moment.

story of my...

SCENE:

A room full of a sea of papers
camera zooms in
the papers can be seen to be encryption jobs
camera zooms back out
a small movement in the middle of the pile can be seen
the shuffling gets bigger until finally a face emerges - wild eyed and panicked

GASP OF BREATH

"HELP!"

one hand fights through to raise above the sea of jobs, bloodied by paper cuts
there is a struggle below the surface
finally a cessation of movement
the face sinks back down, eyes searching for any sign of hope
the hand still raised begins to sink also
soon there is no evidence left of any disturbance

the room is once again silent

:END SCENE