fuck off

message recieved 7.01pm
"r we going to see u at xmas. dad"

message recieved 7.o6pm
"r u still at da same house. dad"





my dad - still hanging out with those gangster-home-boys too much... I tries to tell 'im I do, but does he listen? nooooooo
'da same house' indeed....

parents: when will they ever learn?

dads: when will they ever just fuck off?

It's a Sunday...

it's a sunday, and I have a 6 pack in the fridge, getting nicely chilly, without anyone to share it with - and I do find it sad to drink alone... so there it will stay, untill someone comes and helps me out...
*INSERT UNSUBTLE HINT HERE*

I'm not actually sure what I want to talk about... there are a few things running through my head, but I don't really feel like being angsty at the moment (surprise) so none of them seem worth talking about. My only tid-bit of news, that I'm sure no one else truely cares about, and it's not even that big a deal, is that it seems I've lost at least a tiny bit of weight.
hurrah.

I don't really weigh myself (far too depressing) but every now and then, I"ll try on an old piece of clothing that I don't wear much to see if it's gotten bigger or smaller (well... to see if I'VE gotten bigger or smaller). Today I tried on a little slip that I bought at savers a little while back, which I've never really worn cos it was always a tad small, and I can't seem to work out how to 'wear' it - as in, outfits and stuff... ANYHOO I tried it on, and it seems a tad bigger than the last time I did, which is very happy making. Very much indeed.

On other matters, for some reason I really feel like meat today... as in, eating it... which is really unusual, cos I'm not a big meat eater, and when I do, i usually like the unrecognisable stuff - such as sausages and the like. You know - the meat/cardboard variety... But today, all I can think about is a nice big fat juicy roast. So much so that I'm tempted to go down to Paedimonties and buy something and stick it in the oven, and actually try to do my own - which has never ever ever EVER happened EVER. I tried to eat noodles and tofu instead - it didn't squash the cravings...

huh

go figure

so, Matt's at work, Willow's gone for drinks in St Kilda (she invited me, but I don't know anyone she was going to meet - and I STILL find it far too hard to cross the yarra), other-Matt's not answering my txts, Jane's not answering my txts, Maara doesn't have a phone that I can txt, Liz is in Belgrave, which is actually the same amount of mental effort to get to as St Kilda in my book (but still too far), Jess always seems to tired/busy, Shona's not answring my txts, which pretty much leaves Dan - who wants to see a movie with me, but I feel like drinking and eating meat! Plus, I really feel like we should be giving each other a bit more space, which we were for a while, but I'm worried that we'll start getting caught up in each others lives, when now really is a big time to make sure we're seperating properly.
I guess it's a movie or a book for me.



woah - the angst just kinda creeps out on it's own doesn't it? shit me....

what is this strange feeling?

it's Dan's birthday today. The first time in 3 years that he hasn't had someone to wake up to in the morning with big hugs. I feel guilty about this... like, I got hugs on MY birthday this year, and it doesn't seem fair that he didn't. Although, if you really count them back, we're probably even, considering when we actually got together. But, that's of no consequence.
He's got a gig tonight, which I'm hardly going to bother plugging, cos I know no one will turn up.... pffft. You (all of you) really do need to see them at some point though, but I can' t be bothered arguing the case 'for' at the moment. But I've gotten him pressies (well, one present, and then I'm going to try and find a cd on the way home for him too) and a little cup cake with a candle. I still have this overwhelming compulsion to make his birthday my responsibility - organising dinner with his brother... getting him a cake (however small)... I even considered taking the afternoon off work, so we could hang out... I had this idea that he wouldn't have anyone to share his day with, if not for me. Which, is not actually such an unreasonable thought - cos it has been largely that way for a while now.
Which is why, when I rang to finalise dinner plans, I felt really strange when I found out he was out with friends from the kids show he's doing, drinking. Dan never drinks - he's far too responsible usually... but it seems he's drinking today, as people were buying them for him - which has never happened before either. I felt wierd. A very very strange feeling. It was a little green around the edges, if you get what I mean. I felt somewhat weirder than when he told me that he had a crush on someone - because while that was quite an intense feeling, it was brief... whereas this one is lingering around, and making me feel not-so-nice. I think it's a mixture of things - one of them being that he's out with friends of mine (they're his friends too, obviously) but they're friends that I always feel very special if I see and hang out with (well, I feel special with all my friends, but these people have always been my 'cool crowd'... it's kinda pathetic really)... and two - he's not 'mine' any more. I mean, I knew that, but it's strange. I'm not what keeps his life together anymore... (I know this is small and pathetic, but I'm trying to explain it to myself so I can get over it).
and then there's this idea that people like him more now that I'm not with him. I mean, I know there are a couple of people who are going to be happy about it - but now he's being more included than he ever was before, and it's becuase i'm not there. I'm not saying neccessarily that it's because they don't like me, and then therefore want to associate with him more now I'm gone (although, yeah, there are a couple of people I could probably safely say that about) - but now they actually have to make the effort with him, because I'm not there to 'do it through' or whatever. I'm not covering him up, or standing in front of him anymore. This is good for him. I'm happy for him.
And yet, I can't shake this feeling.
maybe I need to get drunk so it goes away.
I think I also need some new friends.

my computer as a mirror

the only reasons I don't play alot of computer games now is that a) my laptop is getting older and older and won't handle the things I want to play anymore, and b) I yell and scream at myself repeatedly to not do it - cos I get majorly addicted, and I loose what little life I create around me.
but when I do play - I like to play strategy type games (yes - 'girly' games) like Age of Empires, Pharoah and The Sims.

I've recently come to realise that my techniques playing these games say alot more about me as a person than I previously realised...
my main example for the moment is:
In the Sims (for those of you unaware) the real main goal of the game is to get a better career - cos with that comes more money, which brings nicer things etc etc. Oh how like life...
The way you do this is by getting promotions - reaching certain levels of attibutes in certain areas - depending on your career path.
Now, no matter which career path you take, the one thing that is the same for every thing is the amount of 'friends' you have. To really be happy - and succeed at work, you need to have certain amounts of 'family friends' - which are friends with points worth over 50 (out of 100) (I think, if I remember rightly). For every day that you don't see that friend, you go down a certain amount of points - which means that if you're not careful enough, you'll eventually loose any friendships that you have built.
Now, you have to balance the time you're at work, the time it takes your stupid little character to get around and feed itself, and the time to get friends to come over, or have parties.

I've never been fantastic at the Sims - I always get to a certain point, after which, I can't seem to progress any further - and you know why? It's the 'friends' factor... I seem unable to time manage properly to keep up the relationships that I create, so I guess my little dudes always end up lonely or some shit. The only way I'm able to kind of get past it, is to get one friend over - make them like me 100 points worth, and probably fall in love with them/have them fall in love with me - so that it will take longer for them to get under the 'friend' threshold. I then have to do this repeatedly - but while I'm making one friend reach 100, other friends will go down - so it's a tricky cycle. I'm just plain no good at it.

oh. how. like. life.

I can't for the life of me seem to let all my friends know that I actually really do care about them, and they're not always second best to me, and I want to be around them and that I love them dearly. I'm forever apologising to most people I know, for not being there, for not doing that or for always missing out on the important things.
It's so hard - my friends always seem to come in waves - there'll be weeks that I have nothing to do, that it's really hard to get anyone to do anything with me, that I get a little grumbly about having no one around to hang with... then there'll be other weeks where there's something to do every night of the week, and sometimes more than one thing, and i end up having to miss out on alot of stuff - and dissapointing others and myself. The problem is that they don't see my wave - so when I don't turn up, it's 'just Alia not coming again... how typical', not the actual situation of me desperately wanting to see them/go/whatever, but having to choose what gets done, and who gets seen.
I'm not trying to justify how I act - I'm pretty sure there are some of my friends who really do feel that I don't ever make the time for them, and always miss out on their important stuff... and I feel like such a little stinking shit for that... and I'm not saying I'm so desperately popular that everyone wants a piece of me - 'oh isn't life so hard?'...

Everyone who I have in my life, I really do love, and they are really important to me - because I don't really bother keeping people in my life that I don't really want there... I think I need to make a t-shirt saying something to that affect... or maybe a t-shirt for all my friends so that they each know... I'm not sure.

or maybe I need to seclude myself from the world and play more Sims? Practice makes Perfect?

bloggers 'r' us

last night was fun!
Good to see friends again
Great to meet you people that I hadn't before!

I did feel slightly sad at times - that this was my evening, meeting up with people from the internet... but then I said to myself "Fuck society and it's conventions!! Who says that this has to be wrong?! Why can't people just get along??!! Why does it matter where you met??"

and at that I shed a single tear.
no really - I did.. and it totally freaked me out - I mean... what the fuck? where did that tear come from? Why didn't I notice it was there untill I felt it drip onto my hand??
what's wrong with me?

moral of the story: good music, good drink, good company - what more could you want?

I even walked home - which no one will ever tell my mother ok? (Angry As? I'm talking to you!) She'll freak out...
but yeah - walked home: quite proud of myself...

on other matter;
my room here is getting more and more organised. I got a lampshade for my light yesterday, I moved some stuff around, and now it's all looking quite pretty. I just have to get some more stuf on the whitewhitewhite walls...

I'm hungry for boys*. No one really needs to know that - but I thought I'd just put it out there...

I just saw Dan's bassist have an orgasm. If you're like me, and you're 'into' that sort of thing, go here: www.beautifulagony.com - it's quite sexy. And yeah, I thought that guy looked familiar... hehehehe


*Fuck-a-palooza has still yet to be kicked off. Admittedly I've only been in my own bed, by myself for a week and abit now, so I guess maybe Im expecting too much - but I've spoken about it to my new housemates, and they're all very keen to embark upon their own fuck-a-palooza's, so much so in fact, that we wish to call the house 'The House of Fuckapalooza'... but I'm going to have problems with that unless someone actually does something about it - cos I'd hate to be all talk.... hehehe

I think

I think there's a good chance you could safely say someone was 'fitting in' with their new household, if they were to partake in a bit of jumping around on the couches, using the TV remotes as microphones, howling along to 'the killers'... wouldn't you say?
I would.
tee hee

survey:

Hypothetical:

if I fuck someone that I know has a girlfriend, am I
a) a slut-whore-bag-skank
b) just as guilty as him
c) an innocent bystander
d) both a) and b)
e) none of the above: insert comment here

of course, this is just hypothetically.....

Shopping List

Things I need to get from the supermarket:
Honey
Condoms
Soap

I’m preparing myself for some strange looks.

Another step forward

Dan came over last night. I msged him, cos I really needed a hug. That’s what I’ve discovered to be the really big thing that I miss most through all of this: the knowledge that when I come home from a long boring day at work, I’ve got someone to wrap their arms around me and just hold me for a while. Eugh I’m such a bloody girl. Fuck.

Anyway, so I msged him, and asked if he would like to come over for said hug. So he did, and it was really nice – I got a bit of a snuggle… all better. Then he tried to kiss me, and I pulled away – and we talked about how it wasn’t a good idea to keep doing all that stuff – it was ok to be touchy feely, but only friendly. And we both felt better about it all afterwards – and he said he was much more comfortable knowing that it wasn’t going to go anywhere, and then we could really just be comfortable with each other and not wonder if we were expected to go to the next level.

And then we just talked for ages – it was nice – I can’t really remember the last time he told me so much about his life in one hit… it was really nice. And then he mentioned this other girl that he’s met that he thinks is really cute: as in, he likes her. J I was happy to hear that – seeing as for the last 3 years, I’ve had crushes on guys left right and centre, and this is really the first time he’s admitted to having a crush on anyone to me. It was a strange feeling that I felt when I talked to him about it. I was extremely happy and pleased to hear about it, and excited for him, but it also made me feel slightly ill – but in this really funny way. Like, it didn’t really upset me, but I think it affected me more than I expected it to. But in this strange bitter-sweet way, that I’m not sure I understand. The point is, that I was happy for him, and that I wanted to hear more – and I wanted to give him advice on the best way to approach her and stuff: all in all, it really cemented the fact that we’re going to be ok being friends. In fact, as I said to him last night, we can probably be more honest with each other now than we could before – because this is a whole area not usually broached by partners.

I’m really happy that we’re making the transition to best friends well. I mean, who knows how I’ll feel about it all in a months time, but right now, I’m happy, and he seems to be happy, and we’re talking about things and making sure it’s not weird and that we know where the other stands and all that.

Ok: so maybe after all of that we ended up doing things that best friends aren’t really supposed to do, but we decided that it was only going to be this one time – and we weren’t going to be weird. I told him that my main concern is that if we’re fooling around and stuff, and he does end up meeting someone that he likes, I don’t want him to feel conflicted because he still has a thing going with me. (I’m not too concerned about myself, cos I’m not really looking for a relationship at the moment anyway).
It was really really nice last night. I felt happy, and well-adjusted.
I will no longer judge other peoples situations so harshy – as that was how I explained my reservations about this stuff to him – I don’t actually feel that weird about it, but I know if I heard about another couple doing this, then I would say that it was fucked and that they shouldn’t keep hanging on and all that stuff… and that’s what I keep saying in my head when I think about this stuff concerning him – ‘what would you say if you were looking objectively at this, if it were two other people’. But yeah, I think you can never really know how it is until you’re in the middle of the situation – and like I said before, I don’t think I’ll ever judge people so harshly any more for doing things like us. If we’re ok, and we’re talking about things, and we know where each other stand on the subject – and we’re comfortable with it, it shouldn’t be a problem.

I feel………………… different today…………………. Like something has changed in me………….. and it’s good

like, totally, omg

I'm happy
I just bought myself a 'thing' for the first time in ages.
In fact - it's even jewellery, and it's been even longer in time between drink for an occasion like this...
(did that sentence just make sense at all?)
poing being: I just bought a shiny silver (looking) bracelet, and I'm very pleased with myself. I really can't remember the last time I bought something that wasn't practical in some way. My new housie Willow (aka: Willz) went up Brunswick st (cos, it's like, totally just on our doorstop man) and had a look at the Grotto - I fucking love that place... They're having a 'furniture sale' at the moment - even though everthing is till all triple digs... there was a little bedside table that I saw that I love and I want. It's slightly damaged, and so is only (only?) $100... I'm thinking of getting it - even though I have absolutely no money at the moment.... hehehe Anyhoo - I actually bought some jewellery... and now I'm at home in a house that is slowly starting to feel more and more like home, and I'm very content.

on another note: I went and saw "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" last night - and it was GREAT! hehe... I can't remember the last time I was in an audience that laughed so much... it was a very good and funny movie. And I've once again come to the conclusion (or just remembered?) that Robert Downy Jnr is very hot... And that Val Kilmer isn't anymore... hehe
Movie: Completely unbelievable, yet you forgive it for that and just laugh along on the ride.

on ANOTHER note: While we're talking movies, I have to say that the other night I saw "Stay" which was another FAN-BLOODY-TASTIC movie... again HIGHLY recomended... it has Ewan McGregor in it (but that's not why I'm recomending it - if it was all about him, I would have told you to see 'the Island' cos he was way hotter in that). I can't say much about the movie, otherwise I'll well and truely reck it for all others.. but visually it was amazing, and the ending made so much sense to me, that it totally rocked my world. I would love someone else to see it, and then I can tal to you about it - cos it's one those things I would love to talk about... :)

anyway.

I'm going to go and admire my wrist with it's new accessory on... :)

top 10 songs/bands to wank to

I'm, like, totally and fully into this tagging shit, so I'll do whatever anyone asks of me...
(choose to take that as you will)
my top 10 songs/bands to wank to are as follows:
1) Portishead
2) Dirty Three
3) FourPlay
4) Damien Rice - "I remember" - the stings are particularly orgasmic
5) anything with alot of Cello in
6) pounding classical piano
7) Desree - "Kissing You"
8) Moulin Rouge - "El Tango de Roxanne"
9) Radiohead - "Exit Music"
10) fucking-anything-that-makes-me-feel-sexy-dammit

now, I don't know if these would be my top 10 sex songs either, but maybe not much would change. I have to say - I don't often/ever 'wank' to music anyways, but I think, if I did, this is what it would be to.

now: Grant, I wanna know the 10 songs that you couldn't possibly 'get it up' to

KNOCK KNOCK

who's there?
me in my new house!!!!!

haha
yes that's right you crazy kids - she's finally done it - it's finally happened.

I've moved, and I even did the grown up thing of getting the phone line connected so I could get back on the net (I was having withdrawls - we're not supposed to use the internet at work you see)... and now HERE I AM!!

I really like it here - the girls are really nice, and my rooms slowly taking shape - even though the walls aren't red, I still am growing to like it. It will be good when I finally get some stuff/art/whatever up on them though, white is fairly boring after a while.

I've slept here 4 nights now!! yay for me. AND I didn't even get Dan to stay over, like I thought I was going to... yay go me. I'm actually not missing him very much yet - really the only thing was yesterday I felt really tired and all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed and have someones arms to crawl into... that's been the only thing thus far that I've truely missed. I'm enjoying having the bed to myself otherwise... and I'm enjoying going out and talking to boys with this little voice in the back of my head saying 'you know what? if you WANT to, you can take him HOME with you...'. That's a nice little voice - she can stay.

*sigh* so now I have my stuff (admittedly still in boxes) and the internet, and food in the fridge, and lovely people that I'm very speedily growing to absolutely love... and guess what else?
There's no TV aerial here - which in my book at the moment is a really big POSITIVE. TV has been the bane of my life since I was 12 - I've spent countless hours sitting in front of programs that I didn't even enjoy watching. I'll readily admit - I'm addicted. It has been a crutch when I don't know what to do and the easy way out of things when I'm feeling even remotely lazy. You have no idea how excited I am that there's no longer even the possibility of sucumming to the urge. We have a DVD player, and a nice TV, but that's it - yay yay yay.

So all is well my end.

How bout you?

I'm sure I cried 'Bali'...OR: Hey! you asked!

1. I have what is growing to be an unhealthy obsession with corsets. I love what they do and the way they make me feel - the reaction I've gotten from people when I'm wearing mine. I've always had a 'thing' with people touching my sides and back - I find it very sensual, and the corset is like someone permanently holding me i - I think it's something about knowing/feeling where my body ends or something - it makes me feel slimmer and helps me remember that my waistline is not never-ending. The corset I've found that I want to most at the moment is this one:

(I'm thinking about going the tats too...)

2. I desperately want to be in a production of the 'Hot Mikado' - it was done at my school when I was in yr 12, but by then I decided to chuck a hissy fit about being put in the chorus again - when all the other yr 11 and 12's had parts (and of course didn't do it). I think (know) the director didn't like me - as no matter what my acting skill - I could sing way better than some/most of the people who had gotten parts. This was my first encounter with a Director who saw me do something crap once and wouldn't forget - and hence only gave me chorus parts from then on in. But whatever - if I ever get to be in that production, I will be a very happy happy chickie. I would love to be any number of the main roles - as a lot of the songs are good. Unfortunately this is one musical that I don't have the soundtrack for - I've been trying to download it for ages, but I can never find it. I used to have a tape that had ¾ of the songs on it - they made us copies for the auditions, but have since lost it. I have resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to have to buy it, but as I have no money - this is proving to be difficult.

3. I used to be quite the little bookworm when I was a bit younger. I haven't really read a book in a little while, but it hasn't been that long. I started reading originally in primary school cos this boy that I had a crush on (and subsequently had a crush on for the next 12 years - we went out in grade 2) was a big reader, and I wanted him to like me. Like I said - it worked in grade 2, but then I saw him holding another girls hand - my best friends twin to be exact - and then mum made him dance with me at the school disco for a drink of cordial, yeah, anyway - books: My favourite genres are fantasy and fantasy and fantasy really. I was BIG on the Chronicles of Narnia and I've read every book about a thousand times, so I'm really starting to salivate about the upcoming movie/s. Some of the better memories of my childhood is lying on a blanket out in our backyard while mum read them to me in the sunshin. Why can't things be that peaceful and magical again?

4. I desperately want to perform again - but at the moment I feel like most theatre avenues are closed (there aren't really any parts for fat chicks nowadays), so I'm trying to concentrate on the music side of things. Unfortunately, the idea of advertising or something for complete strangers to start a band with and saying: "hi, I'm a really confident chickie who wants to make music with you. I have complete confidence in my abilities and I think we'll be great" is a little beyond me at the moment. I'm hoping that eventually I'll bump into a group of friends who like me and offer to help me get started, and slowly aquire band members the 'natural' way. Performing is limited at the moment because of the 2nd director that decided to dislike me - this time because of my relationship with dan, which is none of her freaking business if you ask me, but there you go. The sad thing is that the best thing I've ever done on stage was with her, and she seems to have forgotten, and so have all my friends. It's just assumed that I'm no good, so no one asks me to do things with them. The sad thing is that now I'm starting to believe them, and have lost all confidence in my abilities, so now I'm going to have to either find a new group to perform with (and the idea of an audition gives me the heebie jeebies) or give up, or wait to get a 'sympathy part' from a friend. I'm not sure how I'd feel about that.

5. The best thing I've ever done on stage was a short performance I did in my first year at uni, as part of a thing they run there called 'Snatches'. It was a duo performance, and I had no lines - I was playing a kind of a mute. This is seriously the only thing I've ever been proud of, performance wise, and the people who did see it agree with me that I was actually good. My name was 'Lewis' and I pretended to play the violin with my overbearing sister, but I sh'arnt go into the details here. This was the first time I met the people who would later become good friends of mine - and the first time I met Dan. I actually don't really remember thinking anything about him at the time, although I think I did notice that he had very blue eyes. Apparently he noticed me. awwwwww

6. I really like my boobs. I also really want to loose weight, but I'm scared that if I do, I'll loose my beautiful boobs.

7. I love wallowing in my melancholy and depression, even though I know it's not healthy. It makes me feel more tragic and artistic, even though I know that's not really the case.

8. If I'm at somewhere like work and I'm not humming or singing to myself, or there's no music on or something - you can usually tell that something's not right with me, that I'm unhappy or something. Mind you, sometimes I sing to myself to try and cheer myself up - not that it always works (yesterday being a perfect example).

9. I'm not sure that I like the tenor/sound of my own voice. I think if I was someone else listening to me, it would annoy me slightly. That's why I'm nervous about trying to front a band - I think my voice is a little weak and very fluffy. Mind you - I usually like male singers, so that could have something to do with it - I obviously don't have a male voice.

10. I'm a funny one when it comes to physical contact with other people. I desperately want hugs from everyone I know, but am secretly too scared to initiate one, so often nothing happens when I meet up with people or something. I think people now have the impression that I'm not big on the physical-friend-contact and don't tend to bother, but that makes me sad. If I've ever given you a kiss on the check when you've seen me, it's a biggy for me, unless you leant in first. I'll also often be quite awkward if the hug/kiss does happen - but trust me, it doesn't mean I'm not enjoying it, it just means I wasn't expecting it. I really do love hugs more than anything else in the world. Well, they're up there in my top 5 at least anyway.

11. I saw the hottest sex scene I've ever seen in a movie just the other day. The movie was 'Y Tu Mamma Tambien' (not sure of the spelling there), which I actually didn't get to see anything else of, cos Jane and I were drunk and she'd already watched it and she said I needed to see this one bit - and boy was she right. Seriously - the sexiest thing I think I've ever seen in my life. and it was only short, and you didn't really see anything in particular. But I've been having dreams about it ever since. (and if you've seen it, it wasn't just cos it was two guys, there are many more levels that I appreciate that scene on) (I'd go into detail, but I think that could be dangerous/embarrassing).

12. I had cyber sex with someone I knew for the first time the other day. Let me clarify - I've had cyber sex before, when I was a lot younger (I guess I kinda grew out of it), but I've never done it with someone I've met and hung out with before. Well, I guess it was cyber sex, or it was pretty close anyway. now we're just maintaining a wall of cyber silence though, I'm not sure, but I think we could both be very embarrassed.

13. I still have yet to kick of 'Fuckapalooza' with someone other than my ex.

14. I've now slept with a total of 3 women and 2 men. The idea that I've slept with more girls than boys excites me somewhat, even though I don't classify myself as Bi, I think you need to want/be open to a relationship with girls to be totally bi - which I'm not. Jane suggested that I like that idea because it would potentially turn guys on, I guess she's got a point.

15. Did I mention I'm obsessed with SEX?

16. Over the last three and a bit years I've put on a little over 20kgs. I could blame it on my relationship with Dan, or the fact that that relationship meant that I moved out of home, and didn't take as good care of myself as mum did. Either way - I'm now very angry with Dad and other members on that side of my family for telling me I was very overweight when I was only a size 14/16. that seems decent and reasonable to me now, and I hate them for making me feel huge then.

17. I have major issues with my Dad. Basically, I've stopped talking to him, even though he keeps calling and sending me emails, because I find it too hard and painful to deal with him. I've told him that when he will finally look at himself and stop pointing the finger at everyone else for the problems between the two of us, I'll consider having a relationship with him again. That was over a year and a half ago, nothing's improved. I didn't want to go home on Friday night, because I was scared he was going to turn up on my doorstep. He did that once before, and I was in bed at the time, and Dan answered the door, and told him I wasn't there. I really wanted to get up and tell him to fuck off, but I was literally paralyzed and couldn't move or speak or so anything. Once when I was much younger mum had to call the police to get him to leave - I think it may have something to do with that, maybe?

18. I would really like to learn more about photography, and how to take good shots, and how to take certain kinds of shots - such as live music and stuff, without washing out the colour with a flash and not over exposing it (if anyone knows, tell me!). Actually, I would also love love LOVE to go over to New Zealand and get work experience with Weta Workshop - that would have to be one of my ultimate dreams. Paradise. They have so much knowledge about how to make anything you could ever want - and that excites me no end, especially concerning the kind of things I've tried to make in the past/want to make in the future. And considering my all round love of movies, and and and...

19. I'm one of the biggest procrastinators I know, and it frustrates me no end. I secretly both love and hate people like Liz and Maara who just seem to have this abundance of creative energy, while I'm at home watching the TV. I'm addicted to the TV and have been for as long as I can remember. I'm hoping that during this new phase in my life, I'll manage to overcome this a little, and start getting out there and doing all the things I would really love to be doing. I idolize people like them who can't stop themselves from 'making' and I hope that one day I'll find that in myself too.

I guess I'm supposed to end on something either profound or funny? HA! Hmm how bout I go with NEITHER.
20. I love being asked questions, because I love telling people about myself... I love that someone might 'know' about me, and understand me. I've promised myself that if anyone asks me a question about myself I'll always answer it with honesty - even if it's embarrassing. I think I like embarrassing myself and 'exposing' myself emotionally to people. It makes me feel really uncomfortable, but I like it anyway.

THERE

20 things- phew that was a lengthy one!
I don't have many people to tag that havn't already been tagged... so I guess I'll just have to tag some people again... sorry dudes - but I can't let the line stop here!
SO!
I pick: Gun, Stef, Swapto, Millwood and Richard Watts


ok.
there.
I'm going to go stay a night in a new strange house, that is apparently my new home.

help

I have no idea how anyone can do what I ask in the above title.

But I'm not coping.

I'm packing... moving...

I can't stop crying. If I try to pack, I cry, if I pack and sing, it's ok for a while, but eventually I cry. If I sit, I cry, if I sit and sing, it seems to be ok for the most part, untill I realise what I'm singing, and cry. So I thought I'd try and write an entry instead. I'll probably cry.

Dan came home for lunch to find me standing in the middle of a mess of a room sobbing into my hands.

I don't think I've ever cried standing up like that before.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

This is the hradest thing I've ever done in my life ever.

See? the tears have started again. Hope I don't damage my keyboard.

(a little bit of humour at a time like this can go a long way... or so I'm told. It's not working)

I know this is the right thing to do... I think this is the right thing to do.. I hope this is the right thing to do... is this the right thing to do? oh my god...

I feel so pathetic and useless and small and weak. Why can't I just deal with this and move forward? I want to move forward... I don't think I've ever cried so much, so many times as in the past two months. My heart just keeps breaking again and again and again and again and I don't know how to make it stop. If I stay - it breaks, if I leave - it breaks... Dan is the only reason I'm still holding together in any semblance of a way... and that makes me even sadder. He's the only reason I haven't fallen apart, and he's the one I'm walking away from...

I keep looking around at the slowly decimated room - all my things are leaving their corners and their places... there's empty space left. I think the room will look empty and sad when all my things are gone - even though dan really owns more things in there than I do - I feel like my things were the things that gave it life. I feel sorry that I'm leaving such an empty room behind.

I'm sorry that I can't deal with this without him
I'm sorry that I need him
I'm sorry that I don't love him enough to stay

I'm sorry that I don't love him enough to stay

I don't know how to do this

I don't know what to do next

I don't know how much to do right now

I don't feel like I can do this on my own, but I don't know who to ask for help. Mum's busy, and everyone else I know I feel like either I wouldn't want them around to see me like this, or don't care enough to bother, or don't understand how hard this is for me.

I really feel like the only person I have is Dan. He's the only one who's giving me hugs, and telling me that I'm going to be ok... he holds me when I cry and rubs my back.

I'm sorry Dan
for everything
really
sorry
I love you
I really mean that, and I always did
I don't want to say I'll always love you, becuase maybe I won't
I want to love you forever
but I guess that's why this is happening now, becuase I can't promise that
I'm sorry Dan
so very sorry
for everything
I've done
and havn't done
I'm sorry
for what you've done too
I'm sorry it didn't work out with us
but that's such a cliche'd line to use
maybe it could have if I'd wanted it to enough
or maybe it wouldn't have anyway
I'm sorry Dan
I can't seem to say it enough
I just want you to believe me
sorry

blah

I feel small and useless today.
like one of those little plastic doo-dads that you find lying around on the floor when you're cleaning that you're not sure where it came from and what it does, or what to do with it, but you keep it just in case it comes in handy one day.

It turns out that it's gong to cost me somewhere upwards of $120 to paint my room red. Apparenlty it's the most tempremental colour of paint, and needs more coats, and plus it's the most expensive colour as well. Yay. Apparently, according to my mum I should just pick a different colour - but I really don't want any other colour. So, now, I'm going to have to wait untill I come back from China till I have some money - and, I'm betting that it means I'm never going to paint the room at all. I can tell. I've done this so many times - 'oh yeah, I'm going to paint my room... eventually..' and it never happens. Seriously - this has happenend too many times to count. I never come through on my promises to myself. *sigh* I'm such a dissapointment.

............

I was going to just keep complaning about more angsty shite - but I just had a 4hr or so conversation with Jane that was really nice and good and whatever... cool. So... I guess I cant' really rant about all the other crap in my life, cos at the moment I don't really care.

it's funny how that happens sometimes...

Trivia Blog

there are two things I love about getting my period:
1) it means I'm not pregnant (and that's always a cause for celebration)
2) the trivia on the back of the stickers from my pads - I find it hilarious that they think I'd like a little bit of light reading while I'm on the torlet...

anyway, I thought I'd spread the love, and share some of the interesting little tid-bits of info I've garnered over the last couple of days:

• An elephant can throw a baseball faster than a human
• The total length of all eyelashes shed by a human in their lifetime is over thirty metres
• A typical bed is usually home to over six billion dust mites
• A zebra is white with black stripes, not black with white stripes
• You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than a spider
• A crocodile can't stick out it's tongue
• You can stop a sneeze by pressing your tongue to the roof of your mouth
• A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime
• There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball
• Turtles and honeybees are both deaf
• In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated
• Clouds fly higher during the day than at night
• 1.5 billion kilograms of chocolate are consumed worldwide each year
• The King of Hearts is the only king without a moustache
• A foetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months
• The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds
• The short-term memory capacity for most people is between five and nine items or digits. This is one reason taht telephone numbers were kept to seven digits for so long
• Starfish don't have brains
• Cats have better memories than dogs
• The average human will drink about 72,737 litres of water in a lifetime
• The largest number of children born to one woman is 69 in Russia
• If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white
• Between the ags of 30 and 70, your nose may lengthen and widen by as much as 1.5cm

there we go people: Angsty Ekstasis is always answering the big questions we as a society face every day. There's no need for thanks - no really...

mmm

I like cute boys

so much

Brett Says:

"If you have a hard job,
give it to a lazy man

he'll find an easy way to do it."