Thursday, September 29, 2005

woot

went to Jangle Gym last night - veeeery good.

line up was:
Frank Skywalker (from Gus & Frank.... no I don't know either)
Tim Minchin (oh-fucking-god-yes-yay)
Scot Edgar (Scod from Tripod)
Gorgeous

tim minchin touched my boob

accidentally

yes... I'm lame...

it was an extremely good night - even though my butt got the most numb/sore it has ever been before. I didn't even know you could get numb and sore at the same time - but there you go. (oh, it was from sitting on a shitty little plastic stool the whole night.... nothing else...). cupla drinkies, good music, good friendlies... what more could you want?

Actually - very good friendlies. I had a fantasmagorically great talk with Matt last night. I ended up being a dweeb and crying, but it was just beautiful. He's the one person that's treating me the exact way that I want to be treated... not condescending, not preaching, caring enough without being stifling... understanding - but not just telling me what I wanted to hear... all of that. I think he's genuinely dissapointed in the cheating thing - he had no joy in his eyes while I was trying to get a crack out of the whole 'rebecca' thing... but I respect him for that. Anyhoo - we talked all through gorgeus (I'm making a bit of a habbit of talking over folk aren't I?? shit...) and he made me feel alot better about some stuff.

You see- I had a big thing/fight with dan the other night about who's moving out. He doesn't want to leave, and neither did I. I'm not going to go into all of it now *insert sigh of relief here* but sufficed to say, it wasn't pretty... but Dan did have a good point - the only reason I don't want to leave is that I'm scared. Well, actually, that's not entirely true: there are quite a few other reasons, and none of them less valid than his own, but the scare factor is a BIG part of it all. Matt somehow managed to convince me that I actually could move out if I wanted to - and not fall apart (I know - big concept)... so, to cut a rather long and laborious story short - I'm looking for sharehouses now. I've seen a couple on the net and have 'expressed my interest' as the site says, so I'll have to see what comes of that.

god it was such a GOOD CHAT last night. he's just SO NICE so damn nice.... I wish I knew more people exactly like him.

It was strange actually - he kept saying things like 'you have so many supportive friends who will help you out if you need it' but, that's not actually true. I have friends, most of them theatre people, most of them like Jane - who, god love her, are completely self absorbed, and not actually willing to put themselves out for someone else. That or the friends are too far away, or they're a friend but I don't really feel a deep connection with them - so they're nice, but they're not a 'best friend' as such. The people I love the most don't actually care as much about me as I do them. Funny that. So - while he was talking, I kept thinking: 'no, you're the only one who is bothering to take time with me, and actually talk to me about the real things - not the superficial ones, so don't you understand that sometimes I feel really alone?'. Of course, I didn't say that.

WOW that blog got depressing really fast!!!

UUUMMMMMMMMM

the cactus where your heart should be
has lovely little flowers
and though it's always pricking my
my ardour never sours

there

Rock and Roll Nerd

Rock and Roll Nerd - Tim Minchin

Doesn't have a problem with drugs,
He just doesn't do them,
He's fine that his mates have tattoos,
But he reckon's they'll rue them,
He likes going to pubs,
But he hates it when the music's too loud,
He tends not to go to rock concerts,
'Cause he can't stand the crowd,
And all he's ever wanted to be
Is a rock star on RAGE or MTV,
But he knows that it's not very likely,
Now that he's thirty he knows that...

He will always be
A rock'n'roll nerd,
He'll keep writing songs the world will never hear,
And though the won't be heard
He'll keep on writing, oh yeah,
He'll keep on trying to get there,
But you see the problem is
He always thought he'd be a star,
But he learnt piano instead of guitar,
Which in the nineties didn't get you very far,
So while the other kids were learning Stairway
He was the piano to their forte,
But he was convinced one day
He'd rock their fucking arses,
Or be an icon for the disenfranchised masses,
Grow his hair long and rebel against the state,
But for now that'd have to wait,
'Cause he's running late for his morning classes.

And he will always be
A rock'n'roll nerd,
He'll keep playing gigs that no-one knows about,
And though it sounds absurd
He'll just keep playing, oh yeah,
But you see the problem is
There's not much depth in what he's singing,
He's a victim of his upper-middle class upbringing,
So he can't write about the 'hood, or bling-bling,
So he sits and imagines his girlfriend is dead
To try and find some angst in his middle class head,
But he's always fine at half past nine when he goes to bed,

He hasn't spent a single night in prison,
He has no issues with nutrition,
He has no drinkning problem and no drug addiction
Unless you count the drugs they put in chicken,
Marijuana always tends to make him cough,
He doesn't look good with his t-shirt off,
And when he tries to act tough, you can tell he's tricking.
While his mates all stay out late,
Popping pills and havin fun,
He stays home and showers,
And gets a good eight hours,
He gets his thrills from his morning run,
While his mates all go on dates,
Taking speed and drinking cans of Beam,
He stays home and cooks,
And curls up with a book,
And the girl he's had since he was seventeen
'Cause he's never really been part of the scene,

While the other kids liked Gunners he liked Queen,
He's more into Beatles that the Stones,
He's more Stevie Wonder than Ramones,
He never owned a panel van,
He never shot a Sepultura fan,
He doesn't know the difference between metal and thrash,
He couldn't tell you nothing about Axl and Slash,
He likes Ben Folds and The Jackson Five,
He knows all the words to Stayin' Alive,
And although he wants to be all grungy and cool
He spent eleven years in a private school,
So it doesn't matter how hard he tries,
He cannot hide behind his rock'n'roll lies,
'Cause you've either got it or you don't,
Yeah, you'll either rock it or you won't,
You've either got it or you don't,
Yeah, you'll either rock it or you wont.

He knows that his music lacks depth
But it just can't be helped,
He has nothing interesting to say
So he writes about himself,
ut he doesn't want to seem self-obsessed
So he writes in third person,
In an attempt to sound more rock'n'roll
But he knows it's not working,
And deep in his heart he knows
That he'll never be Jet, or Eskimo Joe,
And even if he was quite pretty
And wrote songs like Missy,
He knows that...

He will always be
A rock'n'roll nerd,
He'll keep writing songs the world will never hear,
And though they won't be heard
He'll just keep writing, oh yeah,
You can criticise him and he won't care,
'Cause he wants to rock, and he will never be deterred,
He'll always be a fucked-up little tryhard wannabe rock'n'roll nerd.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

My weekend OR: how I nearly drowned in my own mucus OR: longest blog ever

It all started on Friday. This last Friday to be exact: I went to work, and had a fairly mediocre day, which was the beginning of My Weekend. All day at work I felt fairly – well – sick. I could tell I was getting tonsillitis again. How? Well – I’ve gotten tonsillitis almost every year for as long as I can remember… apparently this year I’m getting it twice. But I thought, this time I’d just try and ignore it in the hope it would go away, as I’m sick of constantly being sick. It’s been happening a lot lately. In fact, these past three years I’ve been the most unhealthiest ever in my life. Isn’t that interesting? Three year relationship – three years of being ill…. Hmmmm…. Freud?
Anyway
On Friday after work the Fringe show that I’m helping with began: It’s at the North Melbourne Town Hall every Friday for those of you that are interested. It’s call Penny Machinations, and it’s very very good – basically there are a whole lot of little tents/booths, and tickets are $1. You buy however many tix u want, then go around to all the little booths for a pay-per-view performance. It’s just you and the actors in the little space, and yeah, like I said it’s very good. One in particular - 'The Bearded Margie' is HILARIOUS - I've never laughed so much on my own, sitting with one other person who isn't laughing with you. It's very uncormfortable and funny at the same time... I’m helping on one of the performances that ends up with you being in the back of a car and seeing them do their thing. I’m out the front taking people through and dealing with the mix tapes – the premise of that particular performance. Each booth has a few different things you can see in each…. Similar yet different. If you wanted to come see every show with every possibility, it would still only cost you $15. The Bargain of the fringe says I!
But enough plugging…

So, yeah, I was feeling moderately sick, but tried to put that aside when the people actually started appearing. Before that I was sitting in the dressing room looking sullen and depressed… Matt was very nice to me. Richard pretended nothing was wrong, although I later found out that he knew, and Michael was nice enough, and mentioned it so I would know he knew, but was decidedly not interested in any discussion about it – but then, neither was I. Matt is the only person I know who’s treating me the exact way I would like to be treated in this situation. He asked me if I was ok just enough times that I knew he cared, but didn't get annoying – and then periodically after that would just give me random kisses on the cheek or a hug, or a pat on the head (which sounds horribly condescending, but wasn’t). I guess I’m just being selfish. I want the world to revolve around me and my troubles for a while – and I guess my troubles are dragging on longer than usual because of the situation. I know I should get over it, and not expect people to treat me like I’m damaged goods, but I can’t help it. I want sympathy and kindness, and I want it to be genuine, and I want everyone to care about me for a while. I know I shouldn’t expect that – just be grateful if it does end up happening, but…. I don’t know… I guess I’m just conceited.

Anyway, show went off with a bang, was good, people seemed to like it – one kid came and lost a tooth along the way, which was the highlight of my evening… I think I was more excited than him! After all that, I went to the bar and had a few drinks – not that many, but enough so that when I asked for a gin and tonic, and the lady gave me a vodka and… something… I didn’t even notice. She came and found me and asked me if I wanted to change it… I told her I just thought it was ridiculously strong… but I did change it – vodka = bleugh when not with sugar….
Ended up going home quite late via taxi with Jane, and then to bed, which is where I stayed until about 1pm the next day. (who am I kidding? I got up for maybe half and hour, then was back in bed till like 5.30….)
Dan had a rehearsal at out house. I was just lying in bed with a throat that felt like my glands had swollen up to the size of golf balls… and felt sorry for myself. I just groaned at him a few times, and I think he got me something to drink at one stage. Then Jane rang me and reminded me that we were supposed to be going to see Matt perform with his St Martin’s theatre troup-ey thingy… so I dragged myself out of bed and made myself look somewhat presentable, left a note for dan saying that I wasn’t in bed anymore (obviously) and went into the city, and then South Yarra. I’m glad I don’t live in Sth Yarra – I used to want to… I think I must have been crazy, and I’m glad I got over it pretty quickly.
Anyhoo, the performances were ok. I liked Matt and Eva’s thing. It was cute, but I think I liked it more than I would have otherwise because I knew them – I mean it was good, but it wasn’t great. The interesting bit of the night was that Rebecca AND Aziz were there – together……….. and Rebecca pretty much ignored me for the entire night, and Aziz was a little uncomfortable and awkward with me…. Well…. Admittedly this was the first time we’d seen each other since the party – so I can kind of understand… well, I understand Aziz. Rebecca just pissed me off. In fact, both Jane and I are pissed off for similar reasons with her. But that’s another story to be told another time…
Then luckily no one else except Michael really wanted to go out afterwards, so Matt was kind enough to drive Jane and me home… still very late… so again I crawled into bed and tried to sleep, even though the mucas/not being able to breath/chainsaw throat kept me awake for ever.

Again slept for as long as I could into the next day – but Dan woke me up and reminded me that Skeleton Soup were performing at the High St Fest that day at 4pm and 8pm at a fashion show. I knew that Jane and I planned to go out that night cos there was a band I wanted her to see, so I knew that I needed to get to the 4pm one, and I knew that I probably wouldn’t go unless I got a lift there, so I had to get up and get ready in about 5 mins to get a lift at 12.30 with dan, cos he needed to get there early to set up and shit. As per usual he didn’t actually need to be there so quickly cos no one else turned up, but there you go. =>I still feel this urge to be a good supportive girlfriend… or I suppose now it’s a good supportive ex. I don’t want him to think that suddenly I’m not interested in his life anymore or something…. But anyway, yeah, I dragged myself out of bed, and had to spend the next 3 or 4 hours just wandering around the street fest by myself. It wasn’t so bad, but my god – there were so many sausages. Everywhere you looked there were stalls selling sausages…. ?!?!?! and all the same sausages: Aussie sangas or Continental (or as one guy put it to me ‘Wog’) sausages… wtf. Can’t we think of anything else to cook up on a day like that? Oh - heheh speaking of sausages, there was one thing that was intesly interesting (to me). It was a busking performance by two (incredibly hot) guys doing acrobatics/balancing stuff. They were dressed in 3 piece suits and bowler hats, which was so HOT, both because they looked GREAT and it was also very HOT so they were sweating. They had bad english accents but were very talented - and of course, much to the pleasure of the ladies in the crowd, halfway through the act both of them ended up in nothing more than a pair of blue bike shorts with the union jack sewn on. NOTHING ELSE. And my my were these boys fine. So my afternoon was spent whatching two men wearing next to nothing crawling all over each other, and performing a move which they called 'hello boys' which was, just, well... it almost made me want to cry. In pain. For them. But laugh also. And drool.

I saw some people I knew – and Evan (from Dan’s band) actually talked to me this time. Last time I saw him, he didn’t. I know Dan’s told him about the party stuff – and I don’t think he’s too impressed with me. Well… nor should he really. So then, it was almost time for the performance to start, so I went to wait outside the hall… Through the crowd I saw one of Dan’s best friends Nick, who looked over my way, saw me, scowled and walked off. I felt awful. I know that I shouldn’t be surprised that Dan’s friends aren’t going to be too impressed with me… but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. I understand that they’re going to be supportive of him, and he deserves all the support he can get… and I would do the same thing if I were them… but it still does really feel like a slap in the face. But I suppose I deserve it….

Jane met me there, and we saw the show. Mediocre at best… the only good thing was the music… well some of it. I’m talking about Skeleton Soup. Damn they’re good. I almost hate them because they’re soooo good – and the chick, Danielle is everything I’m not. So confident, talented, sexy… I want to be her when I grow up.
They played a set afterwards, but by then we needed to leave to get home in time to be able to get changed and get to the Tote… I felt bad, for not being a fully committed supportive Ex… but then I have been to almost every gig they’ve done… so I’m not doing to badly I spose.
Got home, got changed, didn’t eat, started drinking, rushed out of the house to catch a tram to get the tote, to get there by 7.30. Because that’s when we thought we had to be there. You see – I didn’t realize that they were headlining…. Which meant, by the time they went on, I was well and truly drunk – in fact I think Sunday night was the most drunk I’ve been in public for a while. I’m not saying I was the most drunk I’ve ever been in public, that’s far from the truth, but I mean – I haven’t had a bout of public drunkenness for quite some time. I ended up making slightly awkward conversation with someone I don’t know very well… and just hoping that I didn’t make a dick of myself. I’m pretty sure I did. But then… do I really care? Not sure. In the end didn’t end up listening very much to the band and just talked with Jane, which was kinda nice (although incredibly rude for the muchly talented musicians). I felt somewhat satisfied that for once she had to put up with me, and not the other way around… but we had fun (well, I did, I hope she did too). I was going to buy a cd, but I couldn’t find ‘the guy with the clipboard’ who apparently was the one selling them… so next time I guess. Gee – could they make it any harder?!?! Jane said I was talking very very fast… so sorry Surly if I was incomprehensible… I think I made more comments about my non-existent band. Sorry again, I think I should just get it over with and write in big black permanent texta over my forehead ‘please love me’ and be done with it. Ummmm yeah – sorry dude. One of the highlights of the evening was some graffiti in the girls torlets which just read “Eat a bowl of Fuck”.
Jane took me home, and I talked dribble the whole way. Something about us ‘swapping roles’ and all of that. Something about trying very hard to be a fish… ahem. Anyway, got home and almost fell asleep on the couch while on the internet… I remember that I found one blog in particular which at the time was extremely profound…

Yesterday I was more sick than the rest of the weekend combined. There was sleeping, there was mucus, there was snot and general yuckiness… but by the end of it all I felt a little better… and today is ok, except for a constantly runny nose… but you get that I guess. Feeling neither happy nor unhappy… was hoping that this blog entry would be slightly more profound than it’s turned out to be – I think that my brain isn’t properly connected to the rest of me today, as I keep forgetting things and words that I wanted to say. That’s why I think this has ended up turning out to be the longest blog entry ever, because I keep trying to find what it is that I was meaning to say.

I’ve forgotten what I was going to end with.

It was semi important.

Oh, for more information on how to be healthy, contact me for a copy of ‘Punishing the Body 101’

Friday, September 23, 2005

dang

the nail is dead

long live the nail

Thursday, September 22, 2005

another day

"torlet"

going into the city to meet maara for a drink tonight. I don't know exactly what it all involves, something about a media auction, and 'keegggaaarr' - so.. ? we'll have to see.

apparently she's going to meredith, which is good, cos Mel piked on me, and I still really want to go. Unfortunately, I don't have a ticket yet, and I know that the friday night tix are sold out, and the other ones are selling fast - so I hope maara isn't going on the fri night (if she already has tix) cos then I won't be able to go down with her - and seeing as I don't drive, I don't see it happening by myself.
*still looks around hopefully for a round of offers of company*

in case anyone was wondering, my fingernail is still long and cool - although it's a little shorter than it was a while ago, and not quite as pointy... but it's still pretty big and impressive. Hasn't broken off yet! it's weak though, so.. any minute...

I have to go the physio tomorrow morn - which involves me getting up at osmething like 6am to get to richmond by 8, and then hopefully to work not too late. bugger, it means I can't really have a nice big night out with Maara tonight, but ah well...

I'm glad it's almost the weekend.

Dan and I talked more last night about who's doing what. He said he's feeling more and more like he wants to stay, which is what I said also. I still think my reasons are better than his, but then I'm still worried about the money - so, we still havn't decided. I ended up saying that something has to happen soon, cos I can't keep living like this, and he was like "Oh, so your basically telling me to get out?!", and I was tried to tell him that that WASN'T what I was saying - I was just trying to express my feelings, and was that so wrong.... bah humbug. I'm sick of having to tread around everyone else's feelings/problems but my own. I'm not allowed to tell someone I'm sad, incase I make them feel like it's their fault.... well, not exactly, but you know what I mean.

I know I said this before, but I wish it would all just go away....

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

music from a telephone and a rubber band

this is what the rubber band ball that I made here at work has to say to you:
gnk8bgjmdjnnkm xh, ck12:06 PM 20/09/2005dtn.,.uicv njf'/.,c cfbk bnvcvv,m cv
sfoj

it typed that all on it's own (when I threw it at the keyboard that is)

*sigh*

I'm so bored

Monday, September 19, 2005

Best. Idea. Ever.

soooooooooooooooooooooooo

who wants to come to the Meredith Music Festival with me????

I'm going to go with a housemate... it's going to be fun... I think it would be funner with people I know. People like YOU.

Tell me yes, then we'll organise the logistics.

doit

DOIT

what. the fuck.

ok, firstly now I'm a little peeved... my housemate just asked me to clean the bathroom. Ordinarily this wouldn't have bothered me in the least. But the thing is this: We have a bathroom roster. It was my turn a while ago - and I cleaned the bathroom. I did everything, except I couldn't clean the bathtub properly... cos we've got the shower over the bath, and it gets gross after a while. I sprayed, scrubbed, did everything I knew what to do... but I couldn't make it come off. So I left it - cos, well, what was I supposed to do? But then, after, someone else cleaned it. I kept meaning to ask who, and how, but I always forgot. Then at our, now world famous, party - Jane (drunkenly) kept telling me how Mel told her that she had had to clean the whole bathroom, because I hadn't done it at all and had changed the name to the next person on the roster. So they put it back on my name. So Fine. I just thought I'd do it again, so as not to create a fuss - I hate confrontation... and I'll avoid it if I can... so fine. But don't tell me to clean the bathroom then, when I've already done it dude! (Mabe I'm being completely irrational... but things like this get my back up - of course I'll never say anything... except for maybe when I'm drunk... hehehehe)

secondly, I saw 'Little Fish' last night with Dan at the movies. FUCKING GREAT MOVIE, although the ending was overly schmaltzy for my liking. Hugo Weaving was GREEEEAAAAT. I've never seen him like that before - he was so the opposite of all of his more recent roles. Great. But yeah - it was a good movie, but it didn't really make overly emotional.

except

the music in the credits made me really sad. It was just an instrumental thing... nothing particularly special, but for some reason I suddenly wanted to cry. For no apparent reason. And cry I did - all the way home, in the car, with Dan holding my hand. Then in bed when we got back... like, full-on, sobbing into the pillows. Dan did the typical 'guy' thing... he didn't know what to do except ask me what was wrong - and when I said I didn't know... he felt useless. Poor thing.

I really didn't know why I was crying. I guess I'm not as ok as I thought I was. Or as ok as I keep saying to people anyway. It was a little frightening I think. I think by the end of it I was crying because I was crying... it was strange. THIS ISN'T NORMAL BEHAVIOUR!!! if I was on drugs, I would understand... but I havn't done anything as spectacularly dramatic as that - for a few weeks. Maybe I'm mentally sick? (well... I know that I'm sick in the head *GUFHAW* hehehehe) Maybe I'm just sad.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

*Slosh*
You will sink in a mire. You like to think you're
normal, but deep down you really just want to
strip off your clothes and roll around in
chicken fat.


What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla



dang it - i was hoping for the gin one. on the other hand, only 13% of the people who've taken this test got this particular answer - so I guess I'm still special. :)

Friday, September 16, 2005

*grumble*

bah humbug

I'm slowly maing my way to the bottom of a bottle of gin - ALL BY MYSELF - because all my housemates have gone to bed... *grumblegrumblegrumble* my only contact to the outside world.. or anything that lets me feel like i'm talking to anyone, is my blog... how sad. Am I not suppposed to be out flaunting/shaking/boogying etc the night away?!?! apparently single life hasn't instantaneously transformed me into the party-raging-sex-maniac I'd always hoped to be.

I'm fucked off with everyone at the moment (except you guys of course. Who guys? I don't know, anyone who reads this I suppose)... I'm not getting very much sympathy/attention from people... I JUST BROKE UP FROM A THREE YEAR RELATIONSHIP PEOPLE - when I tell you I'm fine, I'm really not very.... doens't mean I want to talk about it, but it doesn't mean I'll be ok by myself.... bah humbug to them..

I wish I had someone to get drunk with right NOW. dang,... it didn't work. I was hoping my wish would come true.

hmmm.... I can barely see my screen at the moment. I havn't even had that much to drink. My crusade to see the bottom of the bottle isn't really progressing as I've only had two (admittedly extremely strong) drinks. And I suppose it's kind of redundant anyway, as gin is clear, and you can see the bottom of the bottle anyways.

RAMBLING

but I'll keep going shall I? Viewers feel free to turn off - I just need to talk to someone.


I'm really dissapointed with Jane and my whole situation. I told her everything that was going on this time last week - as I just needed to tell someone the whole thing from start to finish, and get it out of my head. So I told her about the party thing, against my better judgement - as she's slept with the same guy before, and slept with him barely hours after my little episode, and I knew she would get all wierd about it, but I had to talk to someone, and she was there so - it happened. Oh - also I have a really bad case of verbal direah and can barely keep anything to myself at the best of times. SO THEN she had this 1/2hr tanti about how she'd been fucked over and this that and the other... like, i'm sorry - but i JUST BROKE UP WITH SOMEONE THAT I LOVE - MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD>.. and she doesn't eve like this guy... like FUCK - what do I have to do to get a little ME TIME?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?

oh
ok

so I'm getting a little angsty. Surprise.

fuck off.....

um

not you - I didn't mean that...

no

I love you

purely platonic of course.

um

LOOK! *pointing* what's that over there?!?!
*runs away*




do you remember that gun? any chance you still have a copy of that story?!?!? I'd LOVE to read that again... would be nice to post it here or something. It was good damn it!

umm

I think I better go do something else now - I think I may end up looking at porn I think... yay, my life rocks.

otherwise I'll just keep typing shite. Yay to shite. No? oh....;...

gin makes the world go round

I'm at work.
Just went to lunch and had a gin and tonic - been threatening (read 'joking') about it since we started going to this cafe, but today we actually did it. My first wet-work-lunch. Hurrah. It was only one, but it still makes me feel all rebelious, and slightly tragic - which is a nice feeling... heheh... sometimes.

I've managed to cultivate a remarkable fingernail. I think it's probably the best nail I've ever managed to grow. It's long, strong, and pointed - so it has this vamp look about it. But I get away with it, cos all my other nails aren't like that - so it's not too over the top, if you know what I mean. It's actually a perfect shape for digging ear-wax out of the ear cannal... but that may be too much information. I'm quite proud of my nail - but now that I've shared it's existence with the world, I'm sure it'll break off - that always happens... although it has managed to survive numerous 'reshapings' - which usually mean it being completely bitten off.

man - I so badly want to go back and get another drink.

my drinking buddy at home has gone sober too - which means I've got no one to help me make excuses for having another. I mean - good on her, she really needs to do this and all... but if I'm gonna be selfish, then bugger her.... I want someone to keep me company, and keep my drink filled! :P

any offers?!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

book of sin

my friend is doing a show for the fringe festival. It's completely awesome, and it involves a book of sin.

to add your own sins to said book, go to the link below and add a comment. It's helpful if you know which type of sin it is and include that also (eg. pride, gluttony, lust) .

http://pennymachinations.blogspot.com/



gee... I can't think of anything to add....

Sunday, September 11, 2005

well gee

hi

i'm at Gun's right now - after having a couple of drinks.... tought I'd post a rather pointless and ..... 'something'..... blog.... for no apparent reason.

yay

hehehe

I can't really think properly at the moment, but I'm having fun - so yay for me

I'm not horribly depressed or anything. But my brain hurts - I'm having the exact opposite of a brain errection - my brain is quite quite flacid at the moment. Deflated. But I'm ok.

I don't think it's really hit me - what's happening that is. Nothing in my life has really changed yet - I've only talked abot it alot. I think I'll be a bit more of a mess when the actual break-apart happens...

ummmmmmmm

green drinks are fun, cream drinks are...well.... potent...

((do you know how much trouble I had typing this??????/ sooooooo many spelling errors.... damn alcohol)) ((hehehe yay))

Friday, September 09, 2005

Quiz

A:
B:
C:

which one of these people has recently become single?



if you answered B - you were CORRECT! congratulations: you have won a very exclusive, wet and soggy Alia....


Well Done

Thursday, September 08, 2005

he knows

he found my blog. Apparently in his histories on his computer - but he must have looked back a long long while. He denyed it - but I think he may have looked at my emails again. Not that it makes it any better.

oh - P*I*G*H: I don't wanna hear "I told you so". seriously.

I've done a cunt of a thing to him.

Now he's saying all the same things I was saying to him before.

I don't know if he still wants to be with me. We started talking again this morning, but then he had to go to work. I hate that he did that. Couldn't he have called in sick or something? No matter what I've done - aren't I important enough for that?

I'm happy in once sense - I'm happy that I know that I can't just do anything to him and he'll take it. that's a weird thing to say - but for the longest time I was worried that he would let me do anything I wanted to him, and he wouldn't stick up for himself. That has happened alot. I guess I found his line in the sand. At least I know there is one.

He almost seemed more concerned that I talk about him negatively in my blog. Says that it humiliated him. I think I should be allowed to write what I like, this is a free and anonymous forum... (well, except for a couple of you...)

I still don't understand myself. There was a little voice in my head that was yelling at him "yes! do it! break up with me!" but there's a bigger voice that doesn't want that to happen. And especially not happen this way. I want him in my life no matter what - even though I know it's near impossible for people to truely remain friends after a break up. I don't want him to hate me.

He said this morning that he'll always love me, for the rest of his life. Can that be true? I think people think that - but if he does go out on his own, he'll meet someone else, and fall in love with her... will he really then still love me? I think love can die... his will too.
He said his Dad cheated on his Mum, and he hates him for that. He said they've been married for 30 years - and it's been 30 years of hell... he doesn't want us to be like that. Neither do I. But I'm still not sure exactly what I want.

I suggested we move apart, and see how that goes. We talked about that ages ago, but decided it was too hard. I was going to suggest it last night, before all this started - but now I think it's maybe not the best idea... he says he doesn't trust me any more. How will he trust me if we don't live together? I don't know if it's going to work.

I'm sad. I'm loosing my best friend.

I told him that I didn't want another day like last monday - a whole day of hell, because I didn't know what was going to happen to us. So instead of him staying and sorting it out with me - he just said "well... it looks like at the moment we havn't broken up." is that good? I don't know...

I just don't know...

I feel sick
and hot
apparently it's cold in here...
I'm sweating

I want to finish this post somehow........

...................................................

there

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

a quickie

umm... I really don't have anything to say...

I just thought.... I'd.... you know - do something.

I'm about to leave work - trying to pass this last 10 mins without vomiting.


um


I'm pretty sure I had something to say earlier, but now I can't remember... I guess it wasn't that important. Or maybe it was? Maybe I had some divine secret to impart to the universe, and it was going to alter the course of human spiritual evolution...

but I doubt it

um

cool

hope everyone is going to have a nice evening... :)

k

well

alrighty then






is anyone still reading this?!

hehe

I like you

you're cool





um



ok



see ya

Monday, September 05, 2005

what am I doing?

I told Dan I wanted to break up...

12 hours later, I took it back


fuck