Tuesday, August 30, 2005

ekstasis took ecstasy and is ecstatic.

Lovely boys and girls –> yay to drugs I say. Yay indeed.

Feeling great today – feeling mediocre yesterday, but only because I wasn’t drinking water and was just sitting/lying watching tv. If I had gotten up and actually done stuff, I think I would have faired a little better. But you know… eh. I had a coffee this morning. I think that was a bad idea. It’s affecting me a little adversely. I’ve been shaking and hyper… I’m not usually like this if I have a coffee in the morn. In the afternoon, maybe – but this is weird. But I’m just gonna go with it. I’ve explained to my co-workers the situation… they’re expecting strange things to happen. They’ve been warned.

Saturday was SO good, you just wouldn’t believe. I had, well… it was one of the best nights of my life. So good, I should be feeling guilty, but I just can’t seem to make it stick. I kinda feel bad, cos I don’t feel bad…and that makes me bad. I don’t want to be that person. I know people who’ve been fucked over, and if I wasn’t me, and I heard what I’d done, I would be disgusted. That angle is the only way I can kinda make myself feel bad. I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve done a shitty thing. But it just felt so good… I’m a bad person.

Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

Gun: yes there was kissing… and more… I’d like to tell you dets, but I’m afraid you may think it ‘too much info’… I may have to work myself up to it. There was more than one other person involved – I’ll tell you that, and neither of them were Dan. That’s the bad part. The rest of it, are pretty good parts if you ask me. Very good parts. If you know what I mean. ;)

Please don’t be disgusted with me.

I want to tell everyone I know what happened… but then I get all shy and feel the need to be coy. Maybe I actually do feel guilty but I’m hiding it from myself?

I’m refusing to get depressive today tho… as I’m aware that I tend to have an up-and-down personality, and I know that E can trigger stuff on the down… so HAPPY FACE and keeping up beat… I’ll think about how wrong I am later…

I had fun though. I’m young – I’m supposed to be having fun yeah? Oh shit – I’m justifying… ok… cool… well… yeah…

Hmm… I better get back to work… cos now I’m just rambling anyway…

Monday, August 29, 2005

samo twins



thanks Aziz

I have lots of interesting things to tell... but right now I can't be fucked: stay tuned! :P

hehe

'suggestive'

'rip'

'hehehe'

[just for you gun]

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

fusion rings

update!
We (Keeping in Touch Exhibition) got in today's Age!!! It's only small, but we're in the "If you do One Thing" section, and there's a pic of Ray's ring in there... congrats to him of course, and yay to us for getting in there at all!! Everyone rush out and buy a copy and have a look!!!


this is a pic of some of the pieces I have in the exhibition... for those of you who aren't likely to make it by sat... :) I'll try to upload more images at another time maybe, but this is one of the better ones anyway. or go here for more pics of other work: http://www.charlessmithgallery.com.au/current/current.html

poo fright*

*it's a serious concern people.

I got serious poo fright** today at work. It's hard to go to the torlet when you know there's a little old gray man waiting for you so he can go into the ladies torlet's, and... do.... whatever it is he needs to do... especially when there's no spray for afterwards. I froze up, I did. It's not pleasant.

**'poo fright' is when one or more contributing factors make it nearly/completely impossible for you to relax enough to shit with ease.

Other places I've had poo fright:
- Dan's parents place: it's a little torlet, but with two doors on either side of you, only a small flimsy little catch holding both closed respectively, and a large drunk irish man who could just open said doors at any time he freaking pleases, and is too dumb to think to knock first... He's never actually walked in on my or anyone else before, but the prospect is so scary, poo fright is a-pleanty.
- The torlet in our old house: hadn't been cleaned for many many months and the bowl had become a yellowish colour - scary to bare your bum to.
- Public torlets: it's hard to do a big shit when you know there are people who can a) hear it and b) smell it and talk to their friends about afterwards. Even though the likely-hood of you ever seeing any of those people ever again and them remembering you is next to none, it's still daunting, no?
- My own house: we have two torlets, one big and one little. The little one was great for a while because I felt nice and safe and enclosed and there was a spray to cover up nastiness afterwards. The big one was scary as I'm not used to having so much space around me when I'm doing my thang, the doors at the opposite wall in the bathroom to the torlet, so holding it with your foot is impossible, and there was no spray for a while. The door is lockable, but for some reason I always forget to turn the key (partly because there have been a few times that I've forgotten that I've locked it and thought I was stuck in there - addmittedly only for like 5 secs, but those 5 secs are pretty scary). NOW though, the little one has run out of spray and I keep forgetting to buy a new one, so the idea of my housemate walking into that little room of horror is not a nice one, and the big one has the spray. The dilemma.

anyone else have any Places of Poo Fright?

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

totally in love OR: more unrequited love... just what the heart needs



I have a new crush! I am actually kinda excited about it - I like 'liking' someone... it's fun. All the fantasy's you can create, the lustings... keeps me entertained anyway. But this should be explained a little:

I saw THE BEST play I have EVER seen... I really really reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally loved it (I loved it Soooo much, I typed all of those 'really's' by hand - as opposed to just cutting and pasting). It was called 'Construction of the Human Heart' and it was beautiful. unfortunately it finished on Sunday, so I can't get everyone I know to go and see it, but if it ever gets done somewhere again, I'll be sure to yell about it, cos like I said - it was just beautiful. It's hard to describe, so I won't try too hard... cos I won't be able to without ruining it and making it sound... well.... less than it deserves anyway. Basically it's about two writers who are in a relationship, and the play is them going through the end of their relationship, eventually breaking up. They start by reading from the play/script and throughout, jump back and forth between 'real-time' and the 'play'. I just LOVED it can I say that just once more?!?!?!?! LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVVVVEEEEDDDD...

And this is where my new crush comes from. He was one of the actors, and he was brilliant. He played it perfectly. I saw this play twice - once on Friday night, and again on Sunday (cos I just HAD to see it again - cos I'm a fan-geek. We're a breed unto ourselves, trust me.) I think Friday night was better. Sunday was the closing night, and I think they didn't have it timed as perfectly. But this guy - was just soooo great. He's been on TV alot I think, so he was very natural and udnerstated, which worked becuase of the small space the show was in (box theatre). I'm in love (but Ithink he has a fiance, but, hey, it's not like I was really in with a chance anyway...) It's one of those things where I would just love to be able to kiss him - and then act with him! Get him to teach me about stuff.... get to be around him on stage... learn from him... be around his energy (I'm starting to sound dangerously like a creepy hippy)...

I've been trying to find a pic of him so I can show everyone how cute he is, but the only thing i could find was this: (oh, I think it's put it up the top of the page... well - look there) oh, it's all fuzzy and stuff - this is wierd.. the first time I did this, it didn't do that.... ok. whatever.

I better actually go do some work... but just so you all know - I'm in love. :)

It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

wierd:

my blog is going wierd... hello?

hello?

Saturday, August 20, 2005

dot point

  • I'm bored
  • I'm lazy
  • I'm still sick after well over a week (but I don't want to go to the doctors cos I'm a kind of ignore-it-till-it-goes-away kinda gal)
  • my wrist hurts, and I'm worried about it, cos I think it may be something serious (but I don't want to go find out, cos I'm a kind of ignore-it-till-it-goes-away kinda gal)
  • I didn't get to sleep for ages because I kept coughing and tossing and turning, so now I'm tired as well as feeling yicky
  • I have to go to Box Hill tonight for a housewarming, and I'm not looking forward to it cos I know I'll just shrivel into the corner - partly cos I'm taking dan, and he kinda makes me like that (not on purpose, I just notice that when he's not around, I'm a bit more able to socialise with people I don' t know), but I don't really know how else I'd get to where we're going without him driving... I'm a completely selfish lazy bitch
  • I'm a completely selfish lazy bitch
  • I'm sick of being so self-centred/serving - why can't I just be happy?
  • I'm not happy
  • I think I make myself unhappy on purpose, and I don't understand why

Friday, August 19, 2005

one flew over my cuckoo nest

there's a girl here at work who insists on sending me "funnies". You know - those emails that get sent around, that are 70% jokes, and %35 spam/chain letters. Just for the fun of it, I thought I'd post a few of the things she's sent me, just so that you too can sit there, slap your forehead and "GufHAW" along with me...:

---------------------
Lulu was a prostitute - One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes
were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by
one. As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street
and was so ashamed; Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for. Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting.
Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line. When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!" The policeman fainted.
------------------
------------------
Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules. Any comments?

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......... whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
------------------------
------------------------
Subject: 4 married guys go sailing

Four married guys go sailing. After an hour, the following conversation
took place:

First guy:
"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out sailing this
weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
will re-model the kitchen for her."

They continued sailing when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come sailing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Sailing or Sex' and she said, 'Wear sun-block.' "
-----------------------
-----------------------

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, "once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard....but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.
- I needed a building permit.
- I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler
system.
- My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
- We had to go to the Planning Tribunal for a decision.
- Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
- I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem.
- There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

------------------------

Thursday, August 18, 2005

a piece of me

excuse me?
can you help me?
I'm looking for a piece of myself
that's missing
it's about 'so' big
and it's left a hole of a similar size
I keep trying to fill the space with
other things

but it's not working
so I've started searching

excuse me?
can you point the way to lost property?
I'm looking for a piece of myself
that's missing
I'm not sure what it looks like
but I'm hoping that
it'll recognise me

-->Social Retard<--

I thought I was getting better... but it's taking a very long time. Small steps. I keep taking two forwards and one backwards. *sigh*

Saw two really good bands last night! Very folky, very cool. I liked them heaps (even though I didn't end up buying a cd, even though they were RE-DICK-ULOUSLY cheap... cos... well, I'm not sure why. I think my excuse was that I only had a $50 note, and I was going to buy another drink to split it, and then get one, but I didn't end up... why? not sure.

One of the guys in the first band was H.O.T... piano player - who can not like a guy who can play piano, and isn't afraid to sing with another guy on stage (you know, cos it's all like got homo-erotic undertones and all that?) (or is that just me?) (ummm... I think it might just be me). All were very talented, and I liked them very much. WILL have to see again.
I really do tend to lean heavily more towards male singers rather than female... I'm not sure why. Unless there is something particularly special about a womans voice, it tends just to wash over me... I'm more interested in a male voice...

I can't help myself - in any situation/place/event I'm at/in/whatever, I always find a guy to like. There's always one that, even if not totally my type (I don't even have a type I don't know what I'm talking about) I'll make myself like, just so there's someone to have a mini crush on for the evening. I'm retarted, I know. Now, I've just noticed, it's taken another step up - now I analyse any guy I meet for potential. Too skinny, too cool, cute/not cute - attainable/not attainable. Like last night, I can't remember his name, there was this big round guy. Nice looking, but I wasn't attracted to him - but even so, I'm thinking, 'he gave me a smile, I could totally be in with a chance if I wanted to...'. I'm retarted. It's probably not even true, which isn't even the point. It's like when I kissed the guy at my party - he was the token 'fat' guy of our group. So I guess I figured out of everyone, he was the easiest prey. How pathetic am I? (don't answer that...)
Am I the token fat girl in my group of friends? Or in one of them at least? I hate that.

ok, so no-one pay any attention to the self-defacating above... I'm still trying to get over myself. HA. I'm so 16...

SO I actually had heaps of fun last night! I thoroughly enjoyed dressing up in my new skirt... thought I looked very pretty, and I was very pleased with myself. It was great to see Liz and Maara again, cos we never do, even though maara lives just around the corner from me... I want to see them more and more and moooooreee!!!! So nice to be around - not hard to please, and always able to pick up where we left off the last time - no guilts about how much we don't pay attention to each other and all that crap that alot of people do. It's so easy and pleasant.

Another round say I!
-----

Anyway:
Due to request, here is the Bedroom Philosopher's website, at the bottom of which you can join his very funny e-zine, which comes out at irregular intervals and makes me laugh.
www.bedroomphilosopher.com

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I see you, and I raise you

a friend told me last night that I understand Jane better than most others. I wanted to tell him that I actually understand most of them (my friends) alot better than they realise, that I'm actually quite a wanna-be phycologist and could give them a run-down of what I think makes them tick at any given moment, but I didn't because that would be freaky.

Actually, I'm not that in-depth about it all... but I do understand them. I understand myself too - not that it helps me do anything about it. I just 'get' why I do what I do.

a brief history of the Telepathic Vagina

Ok, so this story needs to be told, by ME, and before anyone else uses it for whatever one could use it for (which, really are sooooo many ways, cos it’s never not funny…).

Backstory:
I know this guy who is a complete fruit-cake. He’s cool and talented, and I like him more every time we talk (because admittedly I started off thinking he was a complete pretentious artist). But he told Dan a story the other day, that, well – I don’t want to talk it up to much before you hear it so I don’t ruin it – but it’s fucking funny:

I’ll Begin:
This guy (we’ll call him ‘E’) used to live with a woman who was a prostitute. And, according to E, she was telepathically controlling him with her vagina.

Seriously.

E decided to confront the woman about his concern. He told her that she had three options.
1) She moved out
2) They fucked
3) She stopped controlling him telepathically with her vagina.
He didn’t mind which option, as long as it was one of those.

Seriously.

She looked at him, and said:

“ok I’ll stop”.

Just like that.

I mean, really, what do you say?

Well, I think I might have moved out, but anyway…

I mean a telepathic vagina is quite a thing isn’t it? And it’s quite specific – not just, ‘she was telepathically trying to make me want her’, or ‘she was acting sexy around me, and I think she was using it to her advantage’ but ‘she was telepathically controlling me with her vagina’…. That’s quite a feat.

So now I keep having visions of all these pulsating vaginas reaching out into the ether with their golden energy fields making this “whoooombn, whoooombn, whooombn” sound.

And it’s never not funny. NEVER.

Cos, like, you’ve got three options………. Geddit?

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Would you like some nicotine with your lung cancer?

Who buy’s carton’s of cigarettes (barring old people), seriously?

AN EDIT, FROM THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER'S E-ZINE:
------------------
TOP 10 POTENTIALLY SUCCESFUL ANTI-SMOKING WARNING LABELS
1. Smoking causes random chest pains that you keep writing off
as indigestion cos youve got the grandiose arrogance of a typical twenty
something and you think you can live forever you big poo basket.
2. Smoking only looks cool if you look cool to start
with.
3. Smoking causes you to carry a haze of pungency, causing
strangers to resent you.
4. Smoking is fun size suicide.
5. Smoking causes your potential non smoking partner to not
enjoy kissing you as much and if its down to you and someone else, your odds are
as skanky as that bile stick you cradle to like some self-defeatist thumb
sucking replacement.
6. Smoking, that old chestnut.
7. Smoking is so 1996.
8. Youll bung your lungs, cough Whitlam!
9. If vital organs could talk!
10. Look, just cut it out please!
--------------------

I don’t really have anything particularly interesting to say at the moment, but, as I’ve said before – I’m addicted to this shite, and can’t help but needing to ramble on about nothing in particular.

I’m liking Dan a little more at the moment. I feel completely petty about it, but he bought me a skirt yesterday, and while I don’t want to seem completely superficial, it made me like him a little bit more. But I need to explain that: Aside from my pathetic result of constant conditioning from my dad that money = love, I think the fact that he bought me this skirt that I absolutely LOVED but couldn’t afford shows me that he actually cares about me. That’s a sore point with me and him at the moment, as I’m feeling like he’s completely self absorbed, and loves me but doesn’t care about me… he care’s if I’m unhappy in certain situations, but only because that impacts on his life, because I get stroppy. But yesterday I wasn’t stroppy – actually was decidedly happy – but he bought me the skirt anyway, because he wanted to make me even happier. Just because. Now THAT is what I’m really loving. (or that’s what I’m telling myself). And it’s a very very nice skirt. From a Melbourne designer who I love but don’t have much of, because they’re quite expensive…

What else?

A co-employee of mine smells really good today. (oh, it’s a guy by the way). He walked past me before, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

I just got my p.e.r.i.o.d. so that’s annoying – and possibly has something to do with my current infatuation with boys (hehehe, sooooo maybe I’m grasping at excuses), and my likingness of Dan – as I always seem to go either one way or the other around this time. Either I can’t stop saying ‘I love you’ or I get really really pissed off… I know… I’m a confusing little lass.

Um…

My quest to become a bonified Porn Star ever continues. See resume below↓

My quest to become a bonified Rock Star ever continues – but that’s going a little slower. In fact, it’s pretty much come to a stand-still.

Other than that, I’m very much enjoying eating some nice big strawberries, and trying not to feel sick. (not from the strawberries…. Eh? What? I don’t know….)

Um.

Ok.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Turns out: Leonardo isn't a hottie any more...

who would have thought?

I whatched a little bit of Romeo and Juilet the other day, and I was just wondering how I ever found that man attractive?! What was wrong with me?

This is only a quick check-in... I'm fiddling around on my computer, after lying on the couch for almost 4 days straight - I've been sick you see. So much for sticking to work for the money. That's TWO day's I've had to have off... I'm going to be very poor next week - especially as there is a jewellery auction on tuesday, and I've been looking forward to it for like, 3 years now or something, and damned if I'm not going to buy something.

Dan's been semi-nice to me during this sickness. That means that he's had many, though not constant, moments of thoughtfulness and care. On Thursday and Friday he came home from work to bring me lunch. I was lying in bed sleeping/snotting/coughing/starving. I've also had a couple of hugs recently, which was nice... AND we actually had ....'relations'.... last night. First time in a *snif* period of time I don't wish to recount.

I'm going to go to the gallery tomorrow and see how it all is going. I wonder if I've sold anything!

I'm currently whatching a doco on Keanu Reeves, and how talented an actor he is. hehehehe. yeah, ok.

but anyhoo - I'M BACK!

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Daisy Arbor


me!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

from behind a big, thick plate of frosted glass

because that's where I seem to be viewing the world from today.

Not because I'm in prison or something.

Really.

I'm definitely sick. I don' t know if it's tonsalitis, becuase I don' tknow if theres that much mucas and snot that happens when you get tonsalitis - or, I've never gotten this much before, and I've pretty much gotten tonsalitis to varying degrees at least once a year for as long as I can remember. I really really didn't want to get out of bed this morning. But I had to - I've got no more sick days without a doctors certificate left, and I really can't afford not to work at the moment.

The opening went really really really well last night. It was absolutely packed. You couldn't really move at one point, and trying to get to the alcohol, or away from the alcohol (?) was nigh on impossible. It was very exciting actually. People sold pieces too, already (not me, but hey) which is also extremely exciting. Like - it had been open for a matter of hours, and already about 6 or so pieces were sold. There were some brooches that I had my eye on, but the lady wasn't charging NEARLY enough for them, and as one other lady put it on monday, they 'walked out the door'! Good for her though... I'm extremely proud.

Dan was a cunt-arse though. He only stayed for half and hour*, and I had to ask him if he liked it at all, because he was just standing there... and then just looked at me. He kind of bobbed his head (like those toy dogs people always have on their dashboards) when I asked him. Nothing else. I said "isn't your girlfriend really clever and talented?!" (in a joking sense) and put up my arms for a hug. He stared at me blankly for a second, then made the most pathetic attempt to give me a hug, that was really him trying to touch me the least amount possible, and then said 'I didn't know what you meant'. It's not hard dude. Then a little later on, he came back to me and said "yeah... I really like it, you've done well", but he did that without really looking at me, and it was in such a quiet, vague and pathetic voice that I didn't really believe he felt anything about it at all.

* He left to go to a band rehearsal. He could have organised this reahearsal any other time of the week - they don't have regular times every week, and he decided to organise it for last night. Even when I told him that I was unhappy about it, when he first mentioned it a few days ago. The thing is - I actually didn't mind him not being there, because he tends to hang around like a a bad smell anyway, but it's truely the principal of the thing. I support him in all the things he does, and it's not like I have an event like this (or any event for that matter) very often. He has had quite a few recently. Not that I'm keeping score...

I'm convinced that he's just as unhappy about things as I am at the moment, but when I confronted him about that the other night, he completely denied it and told me I was making it all up in my head. He's gotten so unbelievably touchy about things - I used to be able to joke around with him, but now when I say anything he takes it FAR too seriously and gets all defensive and angry.

Look, I know that it's all probably very obvious to everyone out there in the information-superhighway-darkness what I should be doing about him, but I can't make myself contemplate it too hard, or I just start to cry. Uncontrolably.

3 years of your life is a very long time.

<>

I was going to try and be funny today. But instead I think I'll sit here and stare at my computer screen for a little while, go home and go to bed, ignoring Dan with his band people, who are coming over for dinner. yay.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

My head hurts

I had the most, unbelievable, bestest party in the whole world on Saturday. Well... it was pretty good anyway. It was the after-party for the show that I plugged earlier. The shit one with good music. It was so cool - it was 'instant party - shake and bake', because unlike my 21st where there was months of agonizing and preparation, this was just Jane getting everyone to agree to it, me going shopping on Saturday for stuff, me stressing a little that everyone was going to say it was too hard to get to our house, then at 10.30 two pack loads of people walking in the door – and there, BAM, instant party. I got very drunk, and had lots of fun. There was a lot of dancing. I haven’t danced properly in AGES (not since I think High School) and boy did I shake my boot-ey that night. J I techno-ed, I hip-hoped, I dirty danced… it was all good and all fun fun fun.

I also *giggle* kissed a boy *giggle*. It was very brief. Very very brief. Wasn’t hardly a pash or anything, but it was just so nice to feel unfamiliar lips on my mouth. It was just me saying goodbye to a friend, and me pulling them over onto the couch, and then it just happened. It’s kinda bad cos I don’t even like this guy at all – but I just wanted to have some fun. It didn’t mean anything at all. And it was really only a couple of quick pecks… But I’m still not telling Dan.

I was the one who had pot at the party, which was tripping all my friends out greatly. I felt very ‘cool’. Dan got a bit shitty though, because I wouldn’t tell him where I got it or anything. I just didn’t want him to know about it for some reason. People kept asking my why I was starting all of that stuff – and I kept saying that I am ‘rebelling’. One person asked me from who. ?? hmmmmm

My opening is tonight. I’m very stressed about it. And at the same time happy. And at the same time numb, because I feel very sick today. I keep having this feeling that there’s something I should be doing for tonight, but I don’t know what it is. I don’t think there is anything really – it’s just that it’s been such a constant thing recently of always having to do something that I think I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know who is coming tonight. Everyone seems to think it’s going to be quite big. So that’s exciting. I hope I sell stuff. One of my pieces has been put as quite expensive (I think). I mean – I could never buy it for that much… but there you go. I’ll be very VERY happy if I sell even just one thing. And I’ll be very happy to see everyone who comes. I love having the attention. Hehehe. Who doesn’t? I get so happy when people are at my house as well. I get very very excitable. I’ve always thought of myself as one of those little yappy dogs, that when they get excited they wag their tails but they’re so small and they’re wagging so vigorously, their whole body wags with them, and they’re this little trembling ball of excitement. That’s who I am.

I better do some work now though. We’re actually very busy here… and if I get caught doing this on ‘company time’ I’ll be in a lot of trouble.

Poo.

I feel like a torlet.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

"Mum says joints make her horny"

that one was for you Liz... ah I was so young an innocent. (sorry if you have no idea what I'm talking about). (mind you, you gave me enough shit about it at the time, and for many years after, so I have this strange feeling that you won't have forgotten...) (I could be wrong).

I'm very proud of myself. I found out that a guy at my work can get.... stuff... so I got some. And I brought it home and smoked it. Proud? Yes - because I'm a nanna and don't do that ever - and for some strange reason, because I havn't told dan, and am not going to, I feel this sweet feeling of satisfaction. Like I felt last night going out without him. I feel little wings starting to grow on my back, and they're aching to be stretched...

He'll probably find out eventually. But for now... how pleasant.

Now though, I'm a little restless, and even more toe-ey than usual. Matt started me off last night. Having someone strange* touch my neck with his mouth... sent shivers up my spine. Those nice lovely, tingly shivers that make you buzz.

*'strange' being 'man-other-than-dan'. Well, woman would be nice too - but not my first choice. As a friend of mine once said "well... if there's nothing else on the menu." But he too was gay, and talking about women. I'm rambling. I think I might just go and look up porn.

Damn you Gun Girl for getting me addicted to this shit! I'm forever sneaking onto the net at work when I've got a second to look if people have updated or replyed to my stuff... damn you to blogger hell...

(I didn't really mean that - love you always. Love you long time. ;) )

Friday, August 05, 2005

ate beetroot last night OR: what a weird torlet experiece today

I love titles with two headings. Very much. (thanks Surly) ;)

I'm going to do a piece of artwork one day called 'Freudian Slip or Everyone's Better in Pairs'.

Anyway,

I'm kind of a day behind in the events in my life, so I'm going to try and catch up - this could be a long post, so strap yourselves in kiddies.

This story starts a few weeks ago:

I've been walking to the train station every morning I go to work for a couple of weeks now. I'm quite proud of myself actually - it's something like a 30 min walk at the fastest pace I can move my little pudgy legs, and I'm very pleased with myself that I've finally stuck with something. ANYWAY. Sometimes on this walk, when I'm crossing Lygon St, always at this same intersection this guy happens to be crossing the other way. For some reason whenever we've walked passed each other, there's been a 'look'. What kind of look? I'm not sure, but definitely a look none-the-less. WELL. I kind of find this man attractive - even though he's obviously alot older than me, there's something about his eyes that I really like. He's got a full beard, and even that doesn't bother me. I almost feel like I know him from somewhere, and for a while I thought he might be an actor, because he reminded me of this guy off that 'Farscape' sci-fi show that was on for a while. (I've since looked that actor up on the net, and I don't think it's him at all...) Then not last night but the one before, I was coming home from work, and I caught the bus, because I don't like walking that long walk as it's getting dark - because my paranoid mother has instilled all kind of irrational fears in me (well, that and there is a serial rapist that's been reported near where I live... but hey...) and this guy just happened to be catching the same bus as me (for those of you who are keeping count - usually, he's been going in the opposite direction to me, in the mornings, but this time he was going in the same direction, at night). Again there was a look, and a nod this time - he was letting me know that I should board the bus ahead of him - he's quite the gentleman. He happened to get off the same stop that I got off. THEN. The next morning (yesterday morn, to be precise) it's pissing down rain, and I didn't really feel like walking for 1/2 hr in the wet, so I decide to catch the bus again. Guess who's waiting at the same bus stop that I get on at?! (to catch you up again, this means that he's going in the opposite direction to what he usually is in the mornings when I've seen him before - this time in MY direction). There was another nod, an acknowledgement - and this time I gave the best big, beaming smile I could, to let him know that I knew that we'd seen each other before. There was another nod, but I let him get on before me because I needed to buy a ticked (as that's the etiquette). He got off at the same stop as me again (the same stop that we both got on at the night before). I'm intrigued as to who he is, and what this connection that we have may mean. I must admit, I've started having fantasies about who he is, and what will happen in my little gutter brain between the two of us. Actually, I think there was one fantasy involving him and Ewan McGregor (excuse me, I just saw The Island), one mouth on each side of my neck...... but I think I better not go into that now... *slap*
So this morning I slept in, accidentally, just enough so I didn’t have enough time to walk to the station, and had to catch the bus, otherwise I would have been late to work. I small (large) part of me was really hoping that he would be catching it again – but I think he was only there because of the same reason as me yesterday – the wet. I’m trying to think of things to say if it ever happens again.

Oh, there’s also this other guy (who is decidedly LESS attractive) that is often at my café in the mornings eating bacon and eggs with a big hot chocolate, that was also on that bus. We too always have a little look – but he actually smiles back at me. I think he thinks I’m hot (hehe, hello ego – you woke up did you?) J – but from the look of him, I think he’d think anyone who gave him a nod was cute (remind you of anyone?). I’d also like to think of something to say to this guy as well, but on the other hand, I’m not particularly interested in cultivating a relationship with him… so maybe not.


So then there’s the other story:

I’ve had this friend for a long time, who I’ve had a MASSIVE crush on forever, but who is unfortunately (for me) gay. When I first met him, he didn’t know he was gay yet, so that’s where my infatuation started, but then he realized he was, and I couldn’t turn my feelings off. I’ve always tried to cultivate a good relationship with him – I’ve wanted desperately to be a friend, but since I’m a social retard, I’ve always acted like an idiot when he’s been around, especially when we’ve been alone together. The highlight of my year a couple of weekends ago was when he gave me like a 10 min long hug that was so gorgeous and wonderful I could have cried (luckily I didn’t) (I did grab his ass though…) I keep having this weird thing with him – I feel like he doesn’t really like me, but then I hear from another friend of ours that he talks about me in a really nice way – and that friend thinks all the strangeness is coming from my half, not his. This could very well be the case, but I think it’s maybe 80% me, and 20% him. ANYWAY. I always invite him to stuff, and he doesn’t reciprocate, and he very rarely comes to the stuff I ask him to, although he has come to all the important ones (ie: exhibition openings, birthday parties etc). I only get to see him really when there’s a theatre show going on, and we’re in it together, or I come and watch every performance (like last year, like the complete freak that I am – I only go for the booze afterwards). SO there’s this thing that I try and go see whenever I can – Cut and Paste comedy, which is every second Thursday night. It’s an improv comedy night, that’s very very very very very funny, and cheap. I’ve only ever gone with Dan, or Dan and someone else, and when I say I’ve been whenever I could, it means I’ve been maybe 5 times. Matt (the guy) has come once, and he really liked it, so I’ve always invited him again, and there have been many promises made, but something always comes up for him in the end, and he can’t come. SO last night it was on again, and yesterday I texted him and asked if he wanted to go. Realistically I expected him to say he couldn’t, and when I didn’t get a reply all day, I resigned myself to the fact that it just wasn’t going to happen. Then when I got home, I got a msg from him, and after a bit of back-and-forthing, (which, incidentally, didn’t include me begging) he came! It was just me and him, as I couldn’t be bothered asking anyone else, and a small (large) part of me really wanted to hang out with just him. Which we’ve never really done before. So I was excited. And we went – and I DIDN’T act like a freak at all, and I didn’t emotionally vomit on him at all, and it was a great night, and he gave me more hugs (and a kiss on the neck) and there was much laughter and happiness…. And I’m very very very happy today. Well… it is a sad kind of happiness, because he’ll never love me the same way I love him. And he’s everything Dan isn’t. I was so happy to go out without Dan. I felt like I had wings on my back and there was nothing to carry but myself, and I felt light and free (that sentence had more cheese than Bega). But I’m proud of myself that I didn’t act like a freak, and there were no uncomfortable silences, and he asked questions about me – was interested in MY life (which not really too many of my theatre friends are), and I was interested in HIS life…. I’ll just say it once more – I’m very happy today.

Now. I think I better give this a rest. I’m sure anyone who’s read this is going to need a toilet (torlet) break and go get a drink or something. I’ll leave other stuff for the next installment…

Phew.

PS. I’ve realized how much I just want to be touched (not like that you gutter-mind). I want to have someone’s hand on my back. An arm around my shoulders. The comfort of another body. I don’t really get that from Dan at the moment. Or – only when it’s convenient for him. And I don’t feel the same way when he does do it anymore. That saddens me.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Another Plug. For My Opening.

There. I said it.

tee hee

I am an artist.

wow

I am having an exhibition...

wow

...in which I display my work alongside that of others. It's called Keeping in Touch and it's opening this Tuesday (the 9th of August) at Charles Smith Gallery (65 Smith St, Fitzroy). There will be drinks...

wow, really?

...and much fun and hob-nobbing to be had by all, and I don't know about everyone elses, but at least my work will be on sale...

no, really?

...I make jewellery, and this time it's even wearable.

small steps man, smaaall steps

I know.

It's all very exciting.

I'm excited.

you also like having conversations with yourself

so it seems....

anyway... If anyone wants to come, it would be most appreciated. If I can be arsed when I get home (and remember) I'll try and post the invitation that I designed and got printed.

I've done alot of work for this, I'm hoping it will come off ok. You can never be sure - and I don't knwo what the opening is going to be like - as in, will anyone come? I can't be sure, becuase this is the first time any of us has had an exhibition outside of uni, so it's going to be very interesting. But all I can do is offer free booze (admittedly, not that much, as the budget is tight) and hope that people prick their little ears up...

I hope to see some pricking, and some plugging of openings...

tee hee

Like, Totally Weird, Man

so, it's a very small world isn't it? Even a very small internet... and this is why:

Yesterday, I was very bored here at work, as there wasn't much going on. Much like right now. But don't let my boss hear me say that, because otherwise I'd have to give a big speech on why my job here is very important, and why they shouldn't let me go. Oh dear, I'm rambling again... ahem. Back to it.

Ok, so I was bored, and I was surfing the net, just trying to think of stuff to look up - and becuase I'm a complete comedy geek, I decided to try and see if Tim Minchin has a web page (which it turns out, he doesn't, unless I'm just retarded and typing in "Tim Minchin" in google doesn't work). And one of the sites it brings up just happens to be a blogger.com webpage! And that person is a photographer who takes photos (duh) of comedy people, portraits and the like, and he just mentioned in passing that he took one of Tim Minchin. But reading through his posts, it turns out he seems to know the Bedroom Philosopher (aka Justin Hazlewood) very well - who just happens to be a very good friend of a very good friend of mine, and whom my housemate has slept with a couple of times! How weird and random is that? So now I've bookmarked his site, in this hope that he'll talk more about this person, and I can creepily and voyeristically listen in on the goings on in his life. How cool is that? (and yes - creepy). Looks like he's a really good photographer as well - he's got examples of his work posted on his blog as well - there's a portrait of Scod that hes done, and it's very cute. Again, another connection to my life - the housemate that slept with the Bedroom Philosopher also got chatty with Scod - but he has a wife, but he did remember her (my housemate I mean, I'm assuming he remembers his wife) a couple of times when we went out and have seen him. She's a bitch though, because she didn't introduce me. Mind you, what was I going to say? "hehehe" that would have been it.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Warhol vs. Chekov

a quick plug for a shit* show with ace music.

'The Cherry Orchard - through the eyes of Andy Warhol'
Music by 'Skeletan Soup' (they're very very good).
It's worth coming to see said shit show just for the 15 minutes in the middle where all the actors are busy on stage and the band goes off! It's Dan's band, and they're ace, even though he shits me at the moment. They're very very groovey.

It's on this week at RMIT Union Kaleide theatre, 360 Swanston St (next to the Comm Bank)
7.30pm, $5 concess $10 full, Union arts members get in free, and you can join Union Arts for only $5, and then you'll be able to get into almost everything that goes on at the theatre for free for a whole year!

I've seen it a couple of times, and it's getting better, and this is the second and last week - so it should only go up from here. I encourage all to come see, even if just so that they can say that they did. It's a good conversation starter - "hey! so, I saw this really shit play last night... but man the music was good!"

*ok - I need to clarify. It's not actually shit, in the textbook definition of shit... There were many individual performances that I thoroughly enjoyed... and moments and stuff - but really, it's not visually appealing, and the whole thing didn't really stick together very well.... and of course it makes no sense at all... and you don't really know what's going on. But yeah, a few people are very funny and entertaining and all that... ..... ..... ..... ok?

I think Skeleton Soup are actually going to play Ruby's later in the year, which is exciting for me...

mmm I'm slightly happier today.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Hold your pants up man... or maybe, better yet... don't

Just read some of Surlyboy's posts - fuck you're a funny man dude... hehehe... Rob Mills... hehehe... I like you. Surllyboy. NOT Robert 'Millsy' Mills... just so that theres no confusion.

(that has nothing to do with the title of this post by the way - I actually don't know what the title of the post means at all... unless it's freudian, and it is referring to you... but lets not go there, becuase I don't even know you, and don't know what you're like at all... Although I did read something funny the other day that was talking about the difference between the sexes, that was saying to men "a comedian for them is what a model is to you".)

I ramble alot. I think I've just realised that sometimes it can be more interesting to cut the scentance short, rather than keep it going for ever and ever untill you've made your point. Even if it doesn't make any sense - at least it keeps people thinking. Sure - they could be thinking that you're a complete freak, but that doesn't really matter does it? Any attention is good attention - wow, where did that come from? I'm an only child - I've never had to fight for attention... I must have a big ego. Or a big something anyway. *stop* I refuse to ramble.

My bf shits me. REALLY REALLY badly at the moment. I've pretty much decided (even though I hate people who do this) that if I'm out and another opportunity comes up to experience something with someone else (I'm trying to be cryptic but it's not working - I really mean 'pashing' and 'sex', rather than all that other bull-shit) I'm going to do it, because he's treating me like crap, but I'm too gutless to end it. Point in evidence: Last night, I got into bed and sighed, and he asked me what was wrong. I said "you treat me like shit" and he went to sleep. No joke. He looked at me for about 30 seconds, turned off the light and was snoring 30 seconds after that. What the fuck is that?! I feel like I just keep getting slapped in the face and kicked in the guts by him, but for some reason I'm still hanging on. I'm pathetic I know.
Please - no one try to offer any solutions. I just wanted to rant (as opposed to ramble).

See above paragraph if confused about the name of my blog. eugh. I'm so predictable.

uuuummmm.... end on a positive note:

I get to go home in 1hr and 45mins. Yay!